Like yesterday, lots of thought

[i-m-Bri]

***TRIGGERS*** Cause I can't seem to write anything else.

I've opened up some memories I ignored or buried for 44 years. It's a strange sensation. I can go about my day and I function, but it feels as if it was only yesterday or last week.

Sorry I feel like I am dumping, but it's everything right now.

My family always referred to the time I was gone as "when I ran away"
But I didn't. I went out for a night that was to long and to far away, but my intentions were to be back in time for school. Before I headed home I met a man who saw my despair. I've just come to see he never cared. He baited me. He took me to NYC to sell me.

That is probably my biggest breakthrough ever in therapy.

That truth is even more loaded then remembering being choked.

The more I talk about this the more I understand how dangerous my situation was. There were so many points in those 4-5 days when ever worse could have happened. I was a stupid country kid alone in NYC, walking through times square, on the subway, on the streets, hitch hiking out of the city.

I get it. I am lucky I wasn't killed. I am lucky my first attempt to escape worked and that I wasn't caught.

Here and now, does it matter that I was in extreme danger? Realizing it is chilling, sobering, but is it important anymore, I don’t know?

For the second day, there is a knot in my shoulder,

Am I in debt for that luck?

Thanks for letting me ramble.
Anyone else have time collapse as they remember?

 

[Elad1]

Hi BDD

We're here to listen,empathize,support. The memories frieght me because of how close I could have been to not being here. You ask whether it is important? For me I would say yes because your body is reacting. Are you in debt to luck? Perhaps, but I see you in gratitude to your younger self for keeping you alive.

 

[Ceremony]

I agree with Toad and Elad1. I'm glad you're posting that. It is a lot of effort to process the memories and like you, it stirs a lot in me. I had to, and still do have to, study dissociation as a part of me. That survival of these traumas and individual situations all had me dissociate and then continue that into my life. Memories triggered by day to day interactions, what would otherwise be mundane, are to us the main difference than to those whom don't know this reality. We do have a difference than others, and it's here that I've discerned what my life has been like and why. It's the why that's made a difference for me. It's where I first stopped taking too much blame. I still hold onto a bit, it's like a rash that won't go away.

If luck is dissociation, then we have a lot of luck. I say that because to me, after looking into it, and realizing what I had, I learned that it saved me from a lot of pain. It might have saved me too? I didn't fight those guys, but maybe I was too scared anyway, and yet, maybe, and maybe... it's all those 'maybe's and now they don't matter. I know I did was survival mode is in us, it's what we did and dissociating what ever way was needed got us through. In my way, I don't really do a lot of therapy to stop dissociation, I let that part be, but I do go into myself and sort one part at a time to let that part know what I think now, what I'm seeking now, and why he's important to me... now. Was he important to me before? Hmmm... not sure?


It seems a lot of me is tied up with self worth, and that is very tough ground for me to cover.

Thank you for being here Bri.

Thank you!

 

[EdfromNYC]

I went out for a night that was to long and to far away, but my intentions were to be back in time for school. Before I headed home I met a man who saw my despair. I've just come to see he never cared. He baited me. He took me to NYC to sell me.

I experienced similar dynamic of my despair being seen and him taking advantage of it for his own purposes and using it against me. I was in a car with an adult stranger who I realize now could have kidnapped me or killed me or tortured me or sold me as you were. And then I had further guilt because I did it again with other men. I was so naive and so desperate and so confused and so vitally wounded. So much led into me being set up to be "baited" to be abused.

I'm so sorry that you experienced that. I have a similar awareness that I was very close to having my life in danger and whether it is luck or not, it doesn't matter to me. It matters that I survived but I'm aware that other boys did not and my sympathy and empathy run high for them and their families and for men like yourself who were inches away from an unknown fate due to despair presenting an opportunity to a predator.

I feel like I'm in the "process" of "dumping" as well and I am so grateful that this site exists and people like yourself are telling the truth because it's my truth, too.

 

[LoneWolfX]

-

 

[chairdesklamp]

Before I headed home I met a man who saw my despair. I've just come to see he never cared.

Look at the third post down from the top.

https://www.discussion.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=522393&Searchpage=1&Main=75127&Words=culled&Search=true#Post522393

He probably did see your despair--and want to take advantage of it. My last partner to my cousin was one such transition in my life where my new abuser saw and exploited my desperation to get away from whoever was the current one.

You are probably right.

About the luck one, wouldn't she owe you one for bringing him to you in the first place? I wouldn't worry about having a debt.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Hi Guys,
I have therapy today, which is really good. I need to just talk about what I am remembering. You gave me a lot to think about and a safe place to be. Thank you.

Toad,
Exactly, It’s like I am living in both times. But my emotional center is there. Or maybe it’s the weight that ties me to the wormhole. Not sure.

Elad1,
I want to dismiss what I did as having anything to do with keeping me alive. It seems like all I did was plunge me further into danger. But I didn’t know it. I just passed through it.
I need to be careful and not diminish what I did.. I could have stayed at his apartment, so scared out of my wits to move. But I didn’t.
I always think I was on automatic. But even so, doesn’t that reflect something in my core? I had just started to honor that boy. YES, I NEED TO ALWAYS REMEMBER HIM. Especially when I am afraid of interacting with men I admire. Ha, can you believe the crap we end up afraid of?
I think what is important about acknowledging the danger I was in is I knew on some level. I didn’t know what the potential outcomes were, but I knew I was in deep. I want to say “Out of my league” , but that isn’t accurate. A league implies rules. There were none, just get the fuck out.

Ceremony,
Thank you for always being welcoming and encouraging. Valuing ourselves is a challenge. Posting validates my self worth, that I am worth the space on the page.

EdfromNYC,
These men could so easily pretended they cared. That’s all we want, was someone to see and understand our pain.

I too did it again and again. After NYC I was an angry punk. Still damaged, still needing, but angry as shit. I thought it was armour that would protect me. But each time I got into a strange car, could have been my last.

It is important that we see how much danger we put ourselves in, just for the fact that expresses the scale of our despair. Whenever I want to diminish the damage the previous trauma caused, I just have to look at where it took me. How far off my path I went in reaction to it. What I did to try and fill that hole.

LoneWolfX,
Weird how the baseline gets moved. Existence should be a pleasure. It is not a gift stolen back from a thief. “False Guilt” Part of me cringes when I hear “how lucky” I was. Luck would have been finding my soulmate and running off into our idyllic life. It was not surviving creeps.

Thank you guys.