Lightning bolts of flashbacks and disturbing thoughts

JayBro

Registrant
Hello everyone,

Since I started taking an SSRI again but in a low dosage in January, my symptoms have largely abated. But in the last month it has been more common that I exhibit some of my disassociating from before with regards to dating sites. I think that it has been having negative consequences on my psyche again. Lately I get lightning bolts of memories from my abuse, of sketchy stuff in normal porn sites and news stories which have retraumatised me, of sex dates which were in many ways like me going through my abuse all over again. I get these shocks of disturbing memories and thoughts, guilty and panicky inner monologue, all while I am in the middle of doing something completely unrelated. It winds me and I find it suddenly difficult to breathe; it is a similar feeling to when you are running and then all of a sudden come to a halt. My heart is jumping and I am winded.

I just need to get this out there. I am still on several waiting lists for therapists. I am real scared because I was starting to notice progress and I don’t want a repeat of last year’s nightmare. I am so easily triggered now.
 
Sorry to hear you're feeling frightened at the moment Jay. Great you posted this. You might want to post something in the Male Survivor forum. I stumbled on this but don't ordinarily visit this forum. It seems a pretty slow place. You'd doubtless get more support if you posted where folks are more fully engaged. Keep breathing my friend... slow, easy breathes. And keep your mind from wandering into unsafe neighborhoods. We're all here for you.
 

JayBro

Registrant
Thank you for your reply. I will certainly see about posting more often in the areas. I just wanted to initially articulate these feelings as I am a victim of child sexual abuse imagery and many of my flashbacks and guilty feelings are tied into that. I am glad though, that you took the time out to read it and show your support. That means a lot to me. I am still struggling and today has been particularly difficult.
 
This is painful territory for sure Jay and we can use all the support we can get. Opening up to these experiences of trauma can be very evocative. We need people who understand the pain and confusion of it so hopefully we can stop doing the self-destructive things we've been drawn to in our efforts to soothe ourselves. When we stop running away and stop hurting ourselves, we can begin learning healthier ways to heal those wounds. You're in the right place, but of course, you know that since you've come for some time. Glad MS is here for all of us!
 

OnceInnocent

Registrant
Hello everyone,

Since I started taking an SSRI again but in a low dosage in January, my symptoms have largely abated. But in the last month it has been more common that I exhibit some of my disassociating from before with regards to dating sites. I think that it has been having negative consequences on my psyche again. Lately I get lightning bolts of memories from my abuse, of sketchy stuff in normal porn sites and news stories which have retraumatised me, of sex dates which were in many ways like me going through my abuse all over again. I get these shocks of disturbing memories and thoughts, guilty and panicky inner monologue, all while I am in the middle of doing something completely unrelated. It winds me and I find it suddenly difficult to breathe; it is a similar feeling to when you are running and then all of a sudden come to a halt. My heart is jumping and I am winded.

I just need to get this out there. I am still on several waiting lists for therapists. I am real scared because I was starting to notice progress and I don’t want a repeat of last year’s nightmare. I am so easily triggered now.
im so sorry you are having this happen.
I have had the same things almost all my life and had no idea what it was. 2 years ago I hit rock bottom and went to counselling. I was so ridden with flashbacks that I could barely be in the same room with another man. I wound up doing emdr and it has helped me so much. im not 100% but I have flashbacks rarely, like maybe only once every 3 months or so when things get really rough.
u are right about the porn and random sex. it seems to only retraumatize me. so im done with that stuff.
u sure are in a tight spot. but u have our support, bro.
 
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