Lifetime Sentence?

Lifetime Sentence?
H

hanginon

Registrant
I am frustrated with my life right now - I've been in therapy for four years, but only recently (after a traumatic breakup with my partner of four year) began therapy with a specialist in incest survivors.

My life is a mess - financially, emotionally, physically, etc. - but I want to believe there is hope for a better place for me.

One of the biggest concerns that has surfaced since I started to use this board and my therapy to face my demons is whether being abused as a child commits us all to a lifetime sentence of unhappiness and dispair.

Do we ever heal?
 
I have spent my life in the same state... all of it, financially, emotionally, physically, etc.

My life is a mess - financially, emotionally, physically, etc. - but I want to believe there is hope for a better place for me.
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God I hope so... That's all I am here and in therapy for right now.

Do we ever heal?
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Guys read my post on Millions of true stories.

Of course it is worth it. And we are all in it together and dont forget that.

Your brother Wolf
Mike
 
Hanginon:

I'm 46. Started recovering abuse memories & recovering my life less than 2 years ago. But I've been in therapy for "something" for over 13 years on & off mostly on.

Most of my life has been a total mess spiritually,
socially, mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and sexually. Sometimes it's still pretty messy, but the mess is getting cleaned up.
Took time to get it this messy. Taking time to straighten it up.

Have hope, it can & does get better.

IMHO, nothing dooms anyone to a lifetime of despair & unhappiness, or anything else.

People who seem to have everything & have everything together totally screw up their lives. No need to name the sad litany of the actors, the rich, the sports stars, the famous, etc.

People who seem to have nothing except everything
against them not only survive but thrive, finding meaning in & making something good out of life.

Everyone has something to heal of, whether a little boo boo or a major gash or major surgery. People die of neglected scratches that get infected. People survive the cancers of the worst traumas & tragedies. If they do what it takes to heal whatever is wrong. If they keep at it. If they believe. In themselves, above all.

Believe, fellow survivor. You are worth it.

Victor

Each of us is our own difference. You are the difference. For you are a survivor.
 
Victor,
Thank you for this wonderful post. You made great sense out of things that usually don't register on our radar screens. Hope is, in fact, the key factor for me right now.

I lost hope about my relationship with my SO - there is too much blame and hurt for me to deal with right now, and he has just as much work to do on his issues as I do. Hope left between us and I have been allowing this to get ME down about the hope in MY life.

Your post is wonderful. Thanks.
 
Hanginon:

You're welcome. Thank you for your sincere post & for your encouragement.

WTG, take care of you first, fellow survivor.

Victor
 
Soooooo.....what exactly is this "hope" that everyone seems so free to talk about? Where can I pick up a six pack?
 
ANTONIO.....i so wish i could offer you some hope....but alas, hope left me along time ago and has not reared it's beautiful face again....i do not think i will ever see or feel hope or faith again....

but there seem to be people here that have it....maybe they will be able to instill it in you....i've tried drawing from their hope, but have been incapable....maybe because i do not deserve to have hope....i only deserve what i have received....i wish you better luck....michael
 
Just thought i would share something my therapist keeps trying to drive into my psyche, maybe it might help you....

she says,"many murderers only receive 7 year sentences, why do you feel the need to punish yourself for what you have done which is nothing comparable to murder??"....my response is because i feel like i deserve what i have gotten out of life...I JUST HATE MYSELF SO MUCH....

i just hope you can reacquire hope and that you do not experience this self-hatred....if only i could bear all the self-hatred in the world, it would be worthwhile....but so many of us hurt so deeply that life is intolerable....

please find hope for yourself........michael
 
There is I hope, that's a fact.

The very act of coming here means you are willing to help yourself, that's an act of hope in itself.

It means work, and almost certainly therapy, and I'm never going to say it's an easy ride, it ain't !

It's hard to see or imagine the place you want to be in the future, and I don't think we ever arrive there completly because as we progress the goalposts move.
But it doesn't matter, we move faster and get to score more often.

Dave
 
Well allrighty then, we SAY there is HOPE, so therefore there must be! We make it so because Cap'n Piccard says it's so!

Onward number One!
 
There is hope, because I am living proof of it. I dont hate my self or my world any longer. Yes, I still have small struggles, but I dont hate any more. Where darkness and depression once ruled, my soul is now filled with compassion and caring. I wish it was in my power to reach in and give each and every person here a small piece of acceptance and understanding, but I cant. I cant tell you where to go grab a six-pack of it, because the store is in a different place for each and every person. How do you tell someone how to make peace with who and what they are? You cant, and I cant. Over the past year there has been a real change in me. I still struggle to strike the balance fully, but I feel I am very close. When I look back at the man I was, I know there is hope. I know there is because I dont want death anymore, I dont dread my next breath, and I certainly wouldnt go back. Hope shines in the smile of my baby, or watching as he slowly grows and changes. Hope shines in the understanding embrace of my wife, the warmth of my home, and the comfort and security of my family. Hope is all around, it is merely a matter of getting far enough from the blackness to see it.
 
A friend sent this to me last September when I was feeling hopeless.


"And acceptance is the answer to all my
problems today. When I am disturbed, it is
because I find some person, place, thing, or
situation, some fact of my life, unacceptable
to me, and I can find no serenity until I
accept that person, place, thing or situation
as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing
happens in Gods world by mistake. Unless I
accept life completely on lifes terms, I
cannot be happy. I need to concentrate
not so much on what needs to be
changed in the world as on what needs
to be changed in me and my attitudes"
 
I am really appreciative of all the responses that were generated from my original post and the fact that the string became focused on "hope" is important.

I have had some difficulty coming to the boards over the past (4) months regularly because I had a hard time believing there was no hope for recovery. When I read that we lost a brother to suicide recently, it really hit me hard. I, too, have contemplated giving up - just thought about it, not enough to actually go through with it though. My dog, oddly enough, has been an anchor to me!

I am still too close to say that hope has reentered my life fully. Even though my ex-partner (after three months of brutal silence) finally wanted to meet and talk again about all that transpired between us, I had to say "I am not well enough to see you again" - to be honest with him and myself.

I have had bouts of anger. I have "acted out" with Internet porn and "hooking up" with men for sex. I have numbed myself with drugs. I have done this while trying to "heal" through therapy.

I finally sought out an antidepressant to help me get out of the "funk" of beating myself up all the time. Well, funny thing is - I got violently sick from the side effects of the AD and am still recovering from getting off that med. I hope that this experience will help me to get my butt in gear once and for all and seek out the "natural" antidepressant called "exercise". I HOPE that is possible. I HOPE that I can get to a better plane so that I can, at least, be friends with my ex-bf.

Although there are many problems to be worked out, I do truly love him and I hope for more than just friends. I HOPE.

I WANT to get better but my own worst enemy is ME. HOW DO I CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR? I think I am getting closer and even though I know it won't be an easy thing to do, something in me says there's hope. There MUST be a better life for me - I have gotten the little boy who was abused through SO much pain and confusion already - this part should be the easy part.

I need to hope for more and to you who have problems with hope, let me tell you, I do, too. It is easy to dwell in the self-pity of victimization it is harder to DO something to change my life. I read some of the posts here and think how simple my abuse was compared to some others. It doesn't lessen the pain of my life, but knowing that there are others out there who have been through so much more than me and have been able to pull themselves through and find a better life gives me HOPE.

Thank you all for being there and for being so supportive and honest with one another. We all know that some of us are still victims (myself included) - but if we are here, we are also survivors. I just hope that I can stop treading water and actually begin to swim to shore.

Thanks for providing this safe space for me to "vent" and air my thoughts and feelings. It helps so much.

John
 
I WANT to get better but my own worst enemy is ME. HOW DO I CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR?
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we are all our own best friends as well. make the decision to get to know him. peeling back the layers of pain, shame, guilt, and the rest of the junk takes a lot of work and tears, but it's so worth it.

david
 
Well allrighty then, we SAY there is HOPE, so therefore there must be! We make it so because Cap'n Piccard says it's so!

Onward number One!
Click to expand...
Jim has it close.

Captain Picard says make it so, and that is exactly what each of us must do for ourselves--make hope "so" alive & real, in our lives. No one else can give me hope, tho they can show it, express it, model it, offer it, to me.

This is one definition of hope:

3. wish or desire: something that somebody wants to have or do or wants to happen or be true (MSN Dictionary).

To me it seems the above is the first step. Do I want to feel better, be healthier, recovery more fully from CSA trauma, be more intimate with my wife, etc? Do I really hope for & desire these?

Yes I do.

The next step for me lies in another related definition of hope:

want or expect something: to have a wish to get or do something or for something to happen or be true, especially something that seems possible or likely (MSN Dictionary).

First I have to really want it. Second I have to have some reason to believe it can happen.

Well for one thing I've experienced the things I hope for before, if not as fully as I'd like. Also I've seen others experience them, even helped them to. Some of those persons were in better circumstances than I, some worse--if you can really measure such things.

Which maybe is the point. No one & nothing is truly beyond hope or help.

My Higher Power asks me if I really want to be made whole & well, if this is what I really hope for. He keeps asking me until I quit trying to bullshit Him, myself, and the world. Until I can really say yes that is my hope, it's what I want.

Then I've got to decide if I really believe what I hope will happen can happen.

Which puts me back to reasons to believe.

Still it all begins with me.

Right now, in all honesty, I'm pretty low on the believe it can happen type of hope, tho I should know better.

My want to kind of hope is also weakening.

But I've been worse and hope stayed alive thru that.

I'm a survivor...

...I'm just a damned tired, hurt & angry one!

Maybe I'm not offering anyone much hope now.

Sorry.

I'm having enuf trouble offering it to myself.

Victor
 
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