Life's lesson's

[Nathan LaChine]

Brothers,

What is life? What is the point? What are we here for? I know that for my self I wonder all these questions and more. I like to look at life in a simple way. Their is very little point to life. You get what you want out of it. Everything that has happened in our past is just that in the past. Bad things have to happen to know what good things feel like. I have made a promise to my self that I want to share with you all. Who and what I am today is a very small reflecting of my abuse. My abuse is still very real with me, but every day I tell my self that "yes I was sexually abused but it is not who I am, I am me, Nathan I am not Nathan the victim of sa, I am just Nathan."

lots of love, Nathan

 

[zadok1]

What is this life for? Why are we here?

To me it is clear and simple. We are here to choose between God and Satan. Each soul is born innocent through the womb, ignorant of all. We are here because Lucifer and those that followed him rebelled, and now each of us must be tested to divide those who really love God from those who dont. When it is over, we pass through the black veil of death so that we can taste what is truly at stake, a taste of what it will be like for those who fail to overcome, and are blotted out, forgotten for all time. Then we pass through to Heaven, where those who chose grace live together with God, and those who chose otherwise look across a gulf, burning for the chance they missed. In a time and season, all will be taught, all will understand exactly what they are choosing, and sadly many will choose to be turned to ashes rather than serve God.

I know many here do not believe, and are blind. That is your choice, and I will defend your right to choose, but there is no middle ground. Even those that dont believe have made their choice. There is hope and peace for everyone, even those who were abused. As a whole, the world is exactly what it is supposed to be, and each of us captains our own ship. Christ could not save the world, so I certainly cannot. All I can offer is a seed, prayers, and the fact that in the end this life will be a mere blink, a small portion of a life that extends countless years. In an eternity, seventy years is nothing. We believe ourselves so troubled and misused, and over nothing. Our nation is rich, and we declare ourselves poor. Even the poorest among us has this computer, and TVs, and food enough to make us flabby and fat. We suffered abuse, and now we sit down and bemoan our lost youths, but even grief has a time and a season. At some point one must rise up from the ashes and start again.

Nathan, you are right in what you say, the past is that, and today I will be my self. There is the key for those who are new to this. Accept the past, embrace it even, but always remember that today is totally yours to control. No one is abusing you today. No one is making you live the way you are today. It is all yours to choose. Today can be as bright or dark as you make it.

jeffrey

 

[Lloydy]

A long time ago I made a decision that I didn't belive in God, I wasn't driven away from the Church I grew up with or anything. It was something I thought about and decided on my own.
But I still agree with so much of what Jeff says.

I choose between good and bad, Jeffery between God and Satan.
And making choices - moral as well as practical choices is what makes life for us, what it is.

We make the choice to be better people than those that influenced our early lives, and that choice alone affects so many others.
All your family, friends and those in your community benefit from that one simple choice. Right down to the children who are safe because you have made the decision not to harm them in the way you were.

So for that one simple reason life becomes worth living. You made the right choice, and so many people are better off because of it.

Accept the past, embrace it even, but always remember that today is totally yours to control.

Not only do we have to 'embrace' the past as Jeff' so rightly says, but we also need to make the choice to learn from it.

Dave

 

[Mike Church]

Nathan, Jeff and Dave

Nathan, you are right in what you say, the past is that, and today I will be my self. There is the key for those who are new to this. Accept the past, embrace it even, but always remember that today is totally yours to control. No one is abusing you today. No one is making you live the way you are today. It is all yours to choose. Today can be as bright or dark as you make it.

I believe that totally. And it all boils down to choices. The ability to put those healthy or not so healthy choices into actions is what separates us most from other animals.

There are and have been very few people on this earth that had or have not rotten things happen to them; be it SA, disease, deaths, imparement of the senses etc etc. Each and every one of those people had choices because of the hand of cards they were or are delt. For the most part I think that the choices have led to the best life possible under the circumstances.

An inherent quality that we have is to survive; especially those of us here. To survive and be what we really are and live life to the fullest possible extent. This may sound harsh but I liken it to the jungle: the strong survive and by god we are strong And we have each other and our leaders here to help us with those choices and to offer up their experiences on any given road-block or whatever.

Well my brothers this is our JUNGLE and we will perservere.

 

[Muldoon]

In Our day to day living we must take control of this life we have be given. Everyday I must remind myself to LLS Live Like a Survivor

Lots of post in the past few weeks have talked about how do we live. We talked about how fucked up some of the things we do are. Talked about acting like a victims and living as a victim. I don't know who it was but someone said that we have to live like SURVIVORS.

I know that i have lived like a victims way too long. In fact acting too much like a victim was one reason I got layed off work. I let my abuse of the past overwellm me and my co workers didn't want to be any part of it. I came out as poor victim feel sorry for me, and over look my fuck ups. I was
ALV Acting like a victim

Today with help from all my brothers here i know that it is super important to alse
Live Like a Survivior .
Thanks for all the help. Muldoon / Tom LLS [

 

[ScottyTodd]

I agree with all y'all! I was responding to a board here so time ago when it suddenly HIT ME!!! This is my today and no one elses. My perp may have stolen my past BUT NO ONE..I mean NO..ONE.. will steal my todays. I might have to work through some pain but it's my pain and I can overcome it! These are my fears and I CAN overcome them. No one can ever take away from me what I have claimed as MINE!! My life...my family...my kids...my vocation...my happiness!! And what's mine I can share with whomever I want...including all you great guys here at ms.org!! What life is about is living your own life without being weighed down by the past!!
There are times I struggle and get struck by flashbacks, feelings but...I can deal with them and own my todays!! I hope this makes sense...because it sure feels good to have my life back!!

Howard

 

[MM]

Howard:

My perp may have stolen my past BUT NO ONE..I mean NO..ONE.. will steal my todays

Am I the only one who still feels the presence and the influence of my abusers everyday?

What life is about is living your own life without being weighed down by the past!!

I'm sorry, but i don't agree with you. I think it would be a very good life if I just could forget my past.


Dave:

Not only do we have to 'embrace' the past as Jeff' so rightly says, but we also need to make the choice to learn from it.

We don't have any other option unless embrace the past...


I know I'm new here and you're in another level of your recoveries, but I would choose to completely erase my past any day if I had the chance.

 

[Lloydy]

Mark
ask a survivor of any trauma, whether it's a plane crash, 9-11, SA, domestic violence or whatever, what they wish for - it's forgetting.

And then ask them if they've tried to forget, and they'll say "yes"
But we can't, we can't force ourselves to forget.

Many people have 'forgotten' the trauma's they endured, or at least the memories aren't in their concious minds. What's happened is is the memories have been buried so deeply and blanked out that they make no impact on the concious memory.
But they are there subconciously, and while there they can have the same, or worse, effects than concious memories.

The effects can be the same, but the person who doesn't remember the trauma doesn't know why they are being affected.
Not until they have traces of the memories leaking out into the concious mind.
And to recover memories like that must lead to doubts over their truth. The chances are that the recovered memory is true and accurate. ( big debate over this though ) but true or not, that person now has a a reason for the effects they suffer, and having a cause for the effect goes a long way to alleviating the unwanted effects.

If we try to force ourselves to forget we use a lot of mental energy on a futile task, we're better off accepting the memory and using the effort on the effects.
We can't change or alter what's happened, we went through some awful times. That's a fact.
What we don't know is the future, and what it holds for us. But armed with what we know about our pasts, are we likely to allow the future to be as bad ?

My future might not be perfect, I just don't know. But I do know it ain't going to be as bad as my past. And to ensure that I need to remember my past.
I'm not going to dwell on it, and as it gets further away I do 'forget' it, or should I say - I don't think about it constantly like I used to.
Even coming here and talking with you guys I don't actually think about the details, or the names, attached to my abuse.

I'll never forget, I don't really want to. I just don't want to be controlled by my memories.
I just want to live with them and treat them like any other memory of my childhood.

Dave

 

[Dale English]

Mark,

I'm not sute that I hear exactly what you're saying but what I'm getting from your message isn't primarily about "forgetting" but about what you said at the end of your post about wanting to "erase" the past from your life. I get the feeling that erasing would mean that the past would then no longer be able to pollute every new moment and taint it with old stuff. I can surely identify with that desire.

And please, for your own self care, be careful not to compare your self with anyone else's recovery. You are where you are and that may feel shitty but you're still ok and you're just as ok as anyone else in here.

So keep talking....I'd like to hear more of what you have to say.

Taz

 

[MM]

If we try to force ourselves to forget we use a lot of mental energy on a futile task, we're better off accepting the memory and using the effort on the effects. We can't change or alter what's happened,

That's exactly my point, we CAN'T forget what happened, we CAN'T change our past... it's not like we have an option...

I think it's great most of you think that way and are able to "enjoy" your memories and take lessons from them. I can't, and I doubt some day I will. My memories only bring me shame, guilty and anger.

But again, I'm in a different level of my "recovery"

 

[ScottyTodd]

MM - My life too would be totally different from what it is now if I could forget, erase, nullify, prevent my abused past (and it was extensive: i.e. multiple perps of both sexes and rapes over 8+ years, etc.) but it just ain't gonna happen. I realize what my abusers did to me and how they left me and with what they left me. I have processed, explored, therapized, worked through with T's, Psychs, groups, workbooks ad infinitum and now found a place where I have some control of and real effective choices that I can make for myself.

An example, I had a car accident about a year ago. Everytime I came close to that intersection, I became fearful...flashbacked to the accident, could see the other car come through the stop sign and my broadsiding the car, flying around the interesction - you know. But I learned to drive - cautiously, wary - through that intersection. I could have driven around about ways to avoid that intersection; I could have allowed those fears and flashbacks to control how I drove and where I drove. But I wouldn't allow myself to be controlled by this.

CSA is much more intense! More somatic and deeper, painful and a host of things but flashbacks from CSA originate in the same parts of our brain as the one from my car accident. Do I have responses and reactions from my CSA daily? Yes, but I have come to a point where there is a certain amount of control. I still see a T from time to time as the need arises to process and stabilize.

I speak for me here. Everyone is in different stages and abilities to process their abuse and cope with it as best they can. CSA is not something we grow out of (forget, unaffected by) but we can get to a point where the perp and the crap is no longer in control of us (I believe).

My hope is not that those who are not at this point become discouraged BUT that I can share some hope in the fight and the journey. I share this in humility and sincerity, from the bottom of my heart...because I have lived sooo long without hope, that I celebrate where I am and where I have yet to go.

Howard

 

[Leosha]

I remember what my mom used to tell me, when I reached an age of questioning the universe and such, as to why we are here. She said that we each have a unique gift to offer at the world. That we do not know what it is we do, but one thing we do will change the course of the universe and history of all. Now, I look back at that and wonder, is that some crap a parent gives a child, or is there something of it? I wish to believe she is right of that. I wish to believe that there is reason why I be here. I agree Nathan, physical abuse, sexual abuse, that is soemthing that happens AT me, it is not what make me. I am Alexei, I am Leosha, and I a more of all this.

Leosha

 

[dwf]

Here's another POV on the question "What is life? What are we supposed to do with what happens to us? ".

"I remember Rudi (a friend and teacher) saying once that all life is about transcendence.
If you're ugly, you have to transcend your ugliness; if you're beautiful you have to transcend your beauty; if you're poor you have to transcend your poverty; if you're rich, you have to transcend your wealth . . .
You get nothing at birth except things to transcend."
--Milton Glaser

For me, this transcendence is not about erasing or forgetting. Transcendence is about growing beyond an experience, be it trauma or miracle.

It does not seem to be limited to survivors or victime, but appears as a general quality specific to all humans......gee, that must include me!

One of my advisors, or as I like to say, one of the bevy of mental health experts required to keep me on or near the beam, likes to remind me of the three A's.

Awareness

Acceptance

Action

I always tend to think of Action as the most difficult part of this process, but not surprisingly, I'm wrong on this matter too!

It's the acceptance of a thing, which is most troubling but is also the most freeing.

Acceptance does not mean liking it, enjoying it, or approving of it. For me it implies a willingness to stop trying to control the uncontrollable, for example the past, and begin to exercise my true responsibility to what is real, that is the present.

As soon as I am aware of my hurt or discomfort, I am ready to rush into action to get rid of it, make it go away, banish it forever. That type of reactive behavior, in conjunction with the sexual abuse, led me to many years of alcoholixm and other self destructive behaviors.

My way of thinking was, "Hey, if I destroy enough brain cells with booze and drugs, I won't be able to remember all this crap!". Unfortunately, i was also unable to remember who I was. That reality was one I could not escape, not as long as I was breathing.

So today, when I'm lucky, or some of good friends remind me, I am fortunate enough to realize that I can choose to apply my will power to the acceptance of a thing which will free me, or I can choose to fight and struggle against them which imprisons me even more.

Once I allow myself that freedom of choice, I am no longer a victim of the past, but a survivor in the present.

How do I begin to accept? First comes acknowledgement and awareness, a lot of which happens in places like this for me.

Usually the first little signs of letting go or accepting come in the form of sharing my thoughts, fears, worries and dreams with another person. In order to share a thing, i must let go of it for at least a second or two.

In that second or two or longer, I get an inkling of what life feels like freed from the bondage of my secrets and my fears. It usually is a scary thing to start but a most rewarding thing to do.

Hope all this helps some more. One thing for sure, we are all in the right place and doing the right thing to allow our recovery from the SA to continue to grow.

Here's to a little transcendence.
Thanks, Nathan and guys for all the wonderful things you allow me to do.

Your brother,

 

[Sans Logos]

MM,

Something happened to you in your life which caused you to become "interrupted". This event was like ringing a bell, and once rung can never be unrung.

All that you can do is accept the challenges that now stand before you. There is life beyond the negative effects of living with SA. There is a process involved in arriving at that point, but being here in this place has exponentially increased the potential of your life to a become positive experience for yourself and everyone your world touches. Dare to dream it; wonder, ask, what could my life be if I could only get past my need to give so much power to this? Is that not a terrifying thought? How unfamiliar!

At this point, from the depths of dark despair, you stare into the faces of all the monsters that loom over you, seeming to consume your life, your passion, your power.

You come to MS and someone holds out a candle, and suddenly, or slowly, you begin to see the monsters and ghouls are not as large as they appeared in the dark. Inversely, you begin to to notice yourself begin to become larger, more confident, more powerful.

You begin to think and feel in new ways, and your days seem to weigh less heavily on your spirit. Before you know it, you have decided that you have had enough of the interruption, and become ready to proceed to construct your life with SA as a past chapter in the new life you are writing for yourself.

All this, just by having the opportunity to break the silence, and you can do that here as nowhere else. [even if you had the luxury of being in a group therapy situation, you would not have the opportunity to speak as thoroughly about your SA as you can here; you would not have the time to think so deeply, and choose so carefully, how you need to verbalize your pain; and having done so, you can look back at what you have said and continue to reflect on it, and having a record of how you feel, you are able to develop a new vision that is born of the sorrow.] The silence once broken, empties itself out into the ears and hearts of caring loving supportive others here; There is no need to mention names; we all know who they are.

The point is, for this chapter, you are not alone and you don't have to carry this burden by yourself. With that knowledge, you are changed already.

If we have a tendency to live "down" to the myths that we have created about ourselves and our world, then certainly the other side of that is that we can strive to live "up" to new ideas we can dream about our lives and who we are.

Unpack the "I can'ts" and find out what they're made of, then as soon as possible, replace them with "maybe's" or "I can's" or I "I will's".

I hope you don't read my words as being arrogant or self-righteous; they are not and I am not. That's just my way. Every single person here knows exactly what you are going through, and each of us in our own way want to help you to find and share the success, triumph and victory that is possible for all survivors of life who share a common burden.

This is at least one of the things that life is for, I bet.

Peace and blessings,

Ron