life........urghhhhhhhh!!!!!

[lauraanimal]

ok well it has been awhile sence i last posted, ,and it seems as though no matter how hard we try it justkeeps comming. i feel like we are in a snow blizzard and it keeps comming down and we keep fighting our way to the top and get piled on more. is there no end?

we finaly got to see a "T" and she agreed that our diagnoses is correct, and that we have way to much crap to deal with right now. the funny thing is we realu didnt get into half of whats going on. it was just a breif overview for our 1st meetings. joker went 1st then i did then we both did. she kept telling us over and over how she cant believe how wellwe are holding up under everything thats going on. we told her what we do to cope and etc. and she said that she could tell that we do try very hard. as a matter of fact she is already willing to go to court for us. that real supprised us.

however daily living is getting the better of me. i feel bad that joker is out looking for a job, (which he has an interview for in the am) and im not, i feel like im no contributing enough to the family. but yet i know that there is no way at this point and time that i could go to work. but i still feel like a pile of crap.
i was honest with our new "t" yesterday and told her i was ready to just go blow the people below us heads off, and of course she had to make us promise her we wouldnt before she let us leave.

This place is getting the better of me as well. all hell as broken out around here and it reminds me of how it was with all the fighting here only it is in real life. people come to our door with all there problems, or with all the romurs that is going around. we try to stay out of it, ,but the kids keep letting them in and all. or for that matter they just walk in. sometimes i find my self wishing that a stray scud missle would just come and bomb this stinking place.i know that would never happen, but i can still dream

joker and i both agree that we feel we both need to go to the hospital, but neither of us will and leave the other to have to deal with this crap on there own.

im worried about joker going to work, i know he realy shouldnt be doing this and im scared that it will push him over the edge. but i understand why he is so i support him.
it feels like we are walking such a very thin line right now and that line ends real soon and no matter what we do or how we do it we are fixing to go over the edge.and that scares me even more because we are trying our best to provide a stable as possable life for our kids.

oh well enough winning on my part, thanks for the listening ears and etc.

Laura

 

[stpbb]

Wow. I admire your strength & courage in dealing with all the crap. The news about the therapist sounds really positive. Searching for a job is a big stress without the other stuff you are dealing with. Hope it will turn out well for all of you. I think it is good to keep the honesty going had a similar conversation with my T in one session over some other issues & even though it felt weird to have her be concerned about whether Id act on my violent feelings, it was sooo nice to vent them since Im not violent by nature.

I dont know what your arrangement is with joker, but please dont devalue your contribution to your family. There is so much more in life than money & I have the sense from reading your posts & seeing your concern that you give a lot of yourself to the people you love. I think there is a lot to be gained from working as well, so maybe it will make him feel good to gain those benefits.

Dont get me wrong I think that our system in this country is terribly lacking & we should care for people rather than force them into such difficulties. I lived in northern Europe for a while & it made the US lack of support for basic human dignity even more glaringly appalling to me. I just hope that the benefits of some income & something else to think of, or new people, or a new reason to get out of bed, etc. will make it tolerable for you both (that sounds a bit lame Im trying to look at the bright side, hope it comes across the right way to you).

Anyway, I just wanted to wish you well. Sometimes the fact that this is an online forum is frustrating if you were close by Id invite you for dinner or a cup of tea & see what I could possibly do to try to offer you a break. As it is, I can just offer my prayers & positive thoughts.

-BB.

 

[lauraanimal]

stpbb,
thank you for your post, and yes it came across correctly.
it did feel so good to let out some frustration thats for sure. i am not a violent person either, but theres times i just want to explode. these past couple months has been that way.
but mostly i am the type of person that goes by live and let live and go on. i try not to let stuff get to me, but hasnt ben working to well. although i avent been on my meds these past couple months either.

i myself realy want to get out and work as well, and there are times i think "screw the pdoc" im going to get a job, ,but then reality comes crashing in but thats ok, i know i will just enjoy it that much more when i do go back to work. (atleast thats what i tell myself )

money doesnt bother me, we only made tat kind of money for a couple years, the rest has been in the mid to upper teens. but right now we wnt from a whole whawping 715.00 last month to now its cut down to 520.00 a month. you just cant live on that no matter how you look at it.

Sometimes the fact that this is an online forum is frustrating if you were close by Id invite you for dinner or a cup of tea & see what I could possibly do to try to offer you a break. As it is, I can just offer my prayers & positive thoughts

i would probably take you up on that offer if you was closer and get away from this place , however i will accept your prayers and possitive thoughts whole heartedly and welcome them greatly. ty so very much.

i am so glad we moved here , i love this state, i just hate this apt. complexe. it is like it is a town of its own. seems like everyone here is jerry springer wantabe's......not a good place to bring up your kids.

my "T" comes over in the am, and i actualy cant wait, i want to vent some more and let out some more frustrations.... i realy like her so far, it is nice to be able to talk to someone who actualy believes you sence other than joker my family doesnt or refuses too. it feels so good to know someone is actualy listening to you. i know they do here, but it just isnt the same as it is in person.

thanks for your post stpbb, and your prayers and possitive thoughts.

wishing you happiness, love, and sending my prayers

Laura

 

[stpbb]

Laura,

I'm so glad to hear you are seeing the T again. It is really great that you at least have that support available now.

I know what you mean about being believed. It was hard for me when I was depressed to deal with uninformed friends who just told me to try to get busy and do things so I would feel better. They just didn't get it! Of course you feel better when you do things, but being depressed, like any illness, makes it almost impossible to do anything....So I would feel worse because then I felt depressed & like I was failing as well.

Those people who did understand are what got me through it -- plus my medication, which in my case was tremendously helpful. I was fortunate that my illness was relatively easily treatable and pretty straightforward, but even so most people just didn't get it. There were some other issues that led up to the depression that I don't share with most people. Those who didn't know were less supportive & that was frustrating too. I felt like I had to present my case & prove that I had a 'right' to have become depressed or else they thought I was exaggerating. Why do people think that you have to defend that you are sick? Strange world, isn't it?

Oh, and don't get me started on the financial costs! I had insurance that covered some things, but no drug coverage -- which meant that I paid $200/mo for insurance when I left my job because I was too sick to work, then about $200 for the medications monthly, then had to pay my own therapy after the miniscule number of sessions were used up (they know it takes a long time to recover & that you need to follow through the treatment to prevent a recurrance, but they won't pay for more than 8 session! My T extended it as far as she could, but had to limit it because she worries about losing her status as a provider. grrrr.) How are people supposed to pay their living expenses, health expenses, & drugs? I was lucky to have family support through it, but if i didn't I would have had to wait until I was destitute to try to get any state help & usually they'll only give support to those who are really really really sick, and of course most of the people who are that bad can't deal with the system to get the help.

On a lighter note, I also really like MT. I spent some time there with relatives when I was recovering & really loved it. Something about the hugeness of it all makes the day to day crap seem smaller & not so intimidating for me.

Take care.
-BB.

 

[lauraanimal]

BB,
yes i agree mt is great i love it so much here, and it does make things seem smaller.
today my new "T" came over and took me out for "herbal tea and scones" i never done anything like that. she told me as we was leaving that she had said to herself after our 1st meeting that this is a person who "REALY" needs to get out. however i just didnt feel like gettin into much of a convo today so it just stayed on he light side of things.

i agree 100% about having to defend yourself about being ill. my parents (mainly my mom) thinks that its all in my head. i tell well mom it is. she says that if we had more faith that this wouldnt be happening and to just get over it and that all of our dr.'s have been quacks. i tried to explain to here just because she cant see it or understandit doesnt mean its not trtue. she has chrones desises and i told her just because i cant see her's and i dont understand it desnt mean i dont believe her illness, ,i dont tell her that her dr. is a quack. she just didnt get it. my family always makes me feel like i have to defend myself and joker and i hate it.

on a lighter note, joker got the job today, he starts this monday. ever sence he has gotten home however he has been going constantly. he has been in a manic mode for a week now, but today......its even worse. it worries me. i pray he will be ok. as i write this he is on his hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor. he has cleaned the whole house from top to bottom already and the hallway and stairs outside out door. please keep him in your prayers that he will be ok.

lots of love
laura

 

[stpbb]

Congratulations on the job!! I hope it will be for the best. Will you guys be able to see the therapist regularly? I guess your house is immaculate! I will be thinking of you both. Keep us posted on how things are going.

-BB.

 

[PAS]

Thinking of you Laura - I have been there with the "trying to defend that I am sick" and being depressed is very hard to defend that.. you dont even feel like being alive most of hte time so why do ppl. think that you are able to defend yourself in that way.. thats the hardest thing with mental illnesses - you're not thinking straight in the first place which is the nature of the illness then you have to do all these things (when I was depressed even remembering my therapy appointments was hard work) that are stressful to even those who are NOT suffering the illness! I always felt that when I got depressed I needed someone to make sure I got everything done - get my food bought, ensure that I made it to my appointments becuase when I got really depressed I found it hard to remember to do the simplest things.

I totally agree that the costs/insurance is difficult - I live in Canada and although we do have some kinds of universal medical insurance, most mental health support is NOT covered. Psychotherapy done by a psychologist is NOT covered - only if you have a Psychiatrist M.D. -(some company health plans cover very limited visits to a Psych - i.e. my coverage only covers about 5 visits/year) and medicaitons are definitely not covered unless you have a M.D. who has a bunch of samples kicking around to give you for free. I have often wondered why here the government health care plan paid for people to stay in in-patient psychiatric centres at a much higher cost, or covered the hospital costs of things like attempted suicide, etc. but did not cover the preventative things such as psychotherapy which is a much cheaper alternative. Never made sense to me!