Life Is Too Short

[KMCINVA]

These past months the reality of life has hit. It seems, maybe because I am getting older, death and illness surround. Last night a friend told of his brother-in-laws passing at the age of 44 from cancer. This friend lost his mother recently to early onset Alzheimer's at the age of 68. My other friend with glioblastoma stage 4 still struggles and has been accepted into a test program at Duke University. I can see the effect on him, memory, personality and exhaustion. It is the same cancer John McCain struggles with. Another friend in his late 50's recently passed from a heart attack. Boy it is an eye opener for me or maybe my eyes have been shut for so long because I did not care if I lived.

I take the words and look at other people's lives and I am learning to appreciate life, enjoy life and free myself from the clutches of CSA. I am 62 and I see these lives taken so early and realize CSA has consumed my life, it opened the door for self doubt, self hate and I believe it allowed me to accept abuse by others towards me because I felt I deserved it since I was a child due to the CSA. I look at friends and their eclectic groups and the love and support they have for each other. I can see positive energy in their lives contrasting it to my life and the environment I lived in.

I have been in a very reflective mood recently. I reflect on my life, I reflect on my losses and I reflect on other people and with so many I see richness, happiness and joy, something that has eluded me for a lifetime. I think of those who left us and many of them cherished life, happy, kind and compassionate. They say sometimes it takes a tragedy to change people. The tragedy of the abuse changed me and now the tragedies of feeling sorrow for the loss of people is changing me. Is it from working to heal, is it age, is it being free of the turbulent and tormenting environment that nearly destroyed me, is it surrounding myself with kind and loving people who have opened my eyes, is it the support from everyone here at MS. I do not believe it is one but all of the above. I can finally piece the journey. It is no longer snippets of film clips but rather a movie without interruption. Maybe I had to travel this path of abandonment, pain, hurt and torment to free myself. I do not have a specific answer but seeing how life can be taken at a moments notice has hit me. For decades I did not care to live, I had thoughts of dying and a suicidal incident. I would pray not to wake. This past week I have dreamed of a future, a life to rebuild one that fell apart as I fell under the spell of the abuse.

I think of tomorrow today. Strange when one sees a dream, a future that eluded me forever, it gives purpose to life. I had no purpose for so long. Maybe I am finally understanding life is for the living. I look back, without regret, that only if I had the strength years ago to face the abuse I would have had the desire to live life free of the past. I did not and I cannot change the past, I can only guide my future.

This maybe a ramble but it is my proclamation to myself, I will value my life and the lives of others who struggle, show compassion and kindness and to those who lack this ability I will not judge and only hope they find a path of acceptance and healing for their issues, tragedies, traumas.

I am taking a day to myself today as was suggested to me by a kind and supportive soul. She said smell the roses, feel the rain, look at the world and tomorrow tackle the future.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

Excellent reflections, seeing there's a past, present and future. Then seeking to live today, and give what efforts needed to the future, learning the balance.

It's not easy to we who have been distracted for so long. I'm 56 and share the reflections you're expressing. I too hope like you're posting.

Thank you for this kind of progress.

I know there are a lot of land mines we face, and without some support, some way to manage those, distractions rise and gain a hold on our day or days. It gets to where, what I think about the past, and the effects, there's seeming to be managing that, and doing what normies may be like, or what some recently dubbed the "fivers".

There's a lot of news, I'm hoping the news cycle can be managed. The memories we have, the triggers we hope are diminished to manageable, will be ours, yet, something changes when they're diminished. They're less oppressive to the mind.

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Kevin,

I have come to consider it a gift when we are able to grasp the intricate realities of the statement "Life is short."
I have found that many - including myself - have used the statement as a cliché, so that the true meaning doesn't penetrate.
But it sounds like it really has for you and for some of us.

Back in September 2000, I was in an E.R. in Virginia and had a near-death experience that changed my life. The doctors were surprised that I survived.

That experience ripped away so many of my layers of stupor and launched my life along a new trajectory. One where my priorities shifted, my tolerance for abuse sharply decreased, and my interest in the inconsequential began to wane. There were still struggles and changes that had to take place to create real, lasting change. But the experience created a seismic shift that has been reverberating and refining ever since that day in Sept 2000.

I sometimes joke with people that "everyone should have a near death experience" because it changes your whole perspective on life. Not everyone finds the "joke" too amusing. But I usually explain why such an experience helped me rethink my priorities and how I want to spend my remaining time and energy. And with whom.

There's alot more I could enthusiastically say on the topic, but mostly wanted to add support to your statement and the reflections you shared, as I believe they should be meaningful to all of us who have had difficult life experiences.

Best,

Chris

 

[Bluedogone]

Thanks Kevin for this reflective post.

Expanding on what Chris said, a near death experience can change everything in a flash. My own was very late in life. Previously time was separated into two distinctive parts - before the abuse and after the abuse. Now, it seems to be before the stroke and after the stroke. When I realize that a doctor told my wife, "When he wakes up, IF he wakes up, we'll know more of the prognosis," a lot of the unimportant things are no longer so important.

It's much clearer to me, as I think you've also realized, that too much of the past has crowded out our present. When we come to that understanding, (even at the expense of witnessing a lot of premature deaths) then we are able to put our past where it belongs. By living in the now, we look forward to a limitless future.

Blue

 

[sorryson]

Kevin I am so happy for you. I have read your posts and you look like you are in a good place in life. I am still working on myself. I hope I am a work in progress. You give me hope. I know I owe you a call but you understand. My wife is a trooper. She stands by me and does not Mama rain on my getting better. Mama tries but she knows how to guilt the hell out of people. It is not healthy. I wonder why she let us love her for her and not making us feel guilty.

I still struggle with flashbacks and I found my abuser died years ago. He had left the priesthood and teaching. I wonder if he was caught and forced to leave. I do not know. I think knowing he is dead lets me know he can never come back to hurt me. I just have to start believing that is true.

Thank you and you and everyone else is right-life is short and it is not a cliche.

Paul

 

[genedebs]

KMCINVAi et al;

I have tried to write this but my comments disaappeared. Any way I am old, 69,and I have no hope. I think most of us face a confrontation of terror and confusion from our CSA. This immobileises most of us to find what we can trust ourselves to perform and protect ourselves while we do perform. This means we fail to keep up with "our potential."

Alternatively some of us perform prodicious performances while we refused to permit our emotions and our experiencess to get in our way. I was in this second group and did not begin psychotherapy until 2004. A spent a lot of time learning to cope with cognitive behavioural therapy. And achieved what we could until we were overwhelmed.

I became disabled in 2006 (at 57) I can't find any reason for struggling to overcome anything. My kids are grown, I do not feel responsible for my grandkids. I cared for my toxic parents till they died. Life now has been so demanding that I am tired, have 6 different doctors I ahve to deal with, and hope I can avoid being a burden to my 4 kids, God help me if they need to do for me what I did for my parents.

The optimism joy you look forward to over coming the guilt, shame, and responsibilities for fighting or overcoming our perps.

I am going to quit before I lose this comments again

 

[KMCINVA]

Genedebs

Thank you for the reply. I am sorry for all you are experiencing. I hope you can get some rest and rethink about having no hope. Hope is there even in the darkest of times, it is just digging and finding it. I too was lost for so long, no hope no need to live. It pushed me to do something that could have met the no need to live but I was saved. I found hope after this experience. It was a struggle and these were some suggestions


Acknowledge and affirm your strengths and the positives in life
Find and nurture supportive relationships
Engage in activities that bring joy
Find a cause that you are passionate about, become involved
Avoid toxic situations and people. Negative energy takes control

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness--Desmond Tutu.

I was surrounded by darkness in my mind, light escaped me because I allowed others with negative forces to control me, I had to let go of them. It was a struggle but in time I moved away and saw light.

I wish you the best and pray you find a way to see hope in your life despite all the challenges you face. You deserve better.

Take care of yourself.

Kevin

 

[genedebs]

To Kevin

I have fought for causes my whole life.

Civil Rights from 63 to 70
Empowerment to save a neighborhood
Jobs for 10,000 people with disadvantages
Ultimately, I am too tired and hopeless to care.
I am active in AA and have sponsored 50 people over the years.
My perps, and parents are dead.

It is not that I have nothing worthwhile to do, but
I no longer think I will ever heal.

I can visit my kids, I may even visit my little brother
a last time.

I have been unable to find joy in 7 years. It may come again.

But I thank you for the positive hopes and affirmations you promote for me. I have done a lot of good and appreciate what you say.

 

[KMCINVA]

Genedebs

I wish you the best. We travel a difficult path. You will find what is right for you. I and everyone else are here for you. I am glad you are proud of the good you have done and selfishly I hope you build off those wonderful achievements.

Kevin

 

[genedebs]

Kevin and all

I have done a lot with my life. I have not let the terror of my childhood overwhelm me. Even met Dr. Martin Luther King in 1965. But I think I earned my right to give up.

If love comes my way again, I doubt I can even keep up my end.

I see my kids and grand kids once or twice a year and I try to keep my
mouth shut so I don't interfere with their lives,

I is their tome of life.