Life is Precious

[KMCINVA]

Over the past several months several people I know passed, some young (and I call 50's/60's) young, others elderly and one much younger.

Today I received a call about a friend who experienced seizures this weekend and will now have brain surgery today. Several lesions were found on his brain. This friend has experienced many issues in his life in recent years. He has been a good friend in my times of struggles, went looking as I wandered in dissociation, checking up on me when I failed to show in the office--while experience issues in his life.

It makes me reflect on how people take the life out of people-our abusers and those that fail to support and attempt to understand CSA, others turn from people for petty and stupid events and words, others abandon people in their time of need and then there are the true heroes--those who stand by, try to understand and learn what one is experiencing, they open their minds to trying to understand the mental consequences of CSA, the physical challenges of illnesses, they do not judge but rather open their hearts.

This affirms to me, that those who do not have compassion or the capacity to open their minds to the advancement in science--both mental and physical ailments--those that turn their backs truly are the ones who are missing out on life. It reinforces my need to surround myself with the right people and to say to those who have chosen to lie, deny, torment and yes, abuse me during my unraveling are not my life until they face their past the truth of CSA and what their actions did to a survivor will not control me but rather negatively destroy their own lives. They need to get off their asses and realize they are not what they pretend to be, for anyone who turns on people, judges without knowledge or open mindedness are not showing humanity but rather cruelty. My door is open to everyone provided they do not judge, they open their minds, they show compassion and accept their actions could have had a dire consequence to a survivor--so they never put another human in that state of mind.

As survivors we struggle and these recent events made me realize time is limited and we deserve the right to have happiness, joy, compassion and to steal EDinNYC's words "relationship intimacy".

We need support and we all deserve the best in life. Let us work together to lift each other to enjoy each day, because we never know when it will be the last.

Kevin

 

[Chris4TheMill]

I've learned that even after you do the "weeding out" of the obvious unsafe people, there will be times when you will be forced to re-evaluate ANY relationship that remains. Because you never know how people will behave or respond to you until you reach that next crisis point.

During my latest bout of illness and multiple surgeries, I have observed the following:

1) The vast majority of people have scattered, or have not been present. I guess most of them figure, hey I don't know this guy well, why bother to reach out even with just a few words. I am told that's human nature, and to expect that. Disappointment level = minor.

2) The big disappointments are the people you have been there for in their worst moments. Old friends or even newer ones. Or people you felt you had a strong connection with. Sometimes they don't check out completely, they just "sort of" check out.

I get that sometimes they are busy, or have large families, or just can't handle illness. But these are still the ones that hurt the most. These are the ones that I will re-evaluate. Most will probably still be friends, but I will just have to adjust my expectations of them. I am still figuring all that in this latest round....

3) There are those people you never expected to care that have suddenly stepped up in a major way, These are the pleasant surprises, the ones you are grateful for. And you tell them that.

4) And of course there will be those on the periphery who see your weak state and become even crueler, like my brother. I have already cut him off from my life, but his new behavior just strengthens my resolve to draw even stronger boundaries. And I am not shy about letting people know who and what he is.


That said, physical illness is different from CSA in regards to how people react. With physical illness, most people by now should have some rudimentary clue how to reach out to someone. After all, huge, multi-billion dollar businesses are built around "Get Well" cards, sympathy flowers, stuffed bears, etc. And most people are familiar with the common vocabulary to use, such as "Get well soon," and "Hope you feel better," etc.

There are no such cultural models for reaching out regarding CSA. There are no cards written with an assault victim (of any kind) specifically in mind. There is no common vocabulary that is in place or that people have heard modelled for such situations.

As a result, people are uncomfortable. They usually don't know what to say. That makes them feel ill at ease, or guilty. And if they have not experienced what you have, it is hard for them to manufacture the compassion or the warmth, the sympathy. Although some can, and do.

But most will say reactive things, insensitive things. Stupid, angering things. Or nothing at all. Or stare at the floor. Or change the subject. Or tell you to just get over it. Or ask why you didn't stop it. Etc. Some of us have been there.

So until a sort of cultural "training" takes place that gives people a solid glimpse into the world of CSA or ASA, we have to muddle through and find support where we can. I have found it best to go right to the people who have been there, both with physical illness, as well as other hurts like CSA or ASA. When I have hoped that others who have never been there would be sympathetic, I have almost always been disappointed. That shouldn't be, but right now it is.

Chris

 

[traveler]

Good posts, Kevin and Chris. thank you.

Appropriately, today is the birthday of one of our members who we lost to the effects of CSA. Mattheal would have been 41 today. those of us who knew him miss him deeply and mourn his passing.

Lee

 

[Chris4TheMill]

Thank you Lee. I am going to hold space in my heart for Matthew today. Even though I did not have the privilege of knowing him, he was a fellow sufferer and I wish we had not lost him so young.

 

[LinEar]

Thanks for the posts, both of you.

Chris, your experience seems quite similar to mine...and reminds me that despite my efforts, I've not always been the best support to others; in some cases going too far down the codependent route and in others shutting down and pushing away...definitely something I struggle with. And it reminded me of disclosing to someone almost 3 years ago when she learned I was in therapy from someone else who should not have said anything, especially at that time (without getting too far into the backstory). She created false intimacy when she was in the BPD idealization stage w/me and telling me everything about her life, and when asked why I was in therapy, and I told her, she replied "That's it? But that was a long time ago, right?"

Replaying that conversation still hurts; it's something I need to write out and process and let go. Thanks for pushing me that way, although I'm sure it's not what your post intended!

 

[CelloL]

I think we all need a support system. A colleague of mine was having a relationship with a very controlling man. All of her friends were telling her to get away from him. She has been in a series of dysfunctional relationships. She had a difficult relationship with a mentally ill parent and her ex-husband was a sociopath. As I saw it she kept getting into relationships as a way to emotionally fix previous broken relationships, but of course, that doesn't work.

I said that she needed a support system (as we all do). We need to surround ourselves with people who build us up and we, in turn, build others up. We can't always control who our family members are but it sounds like a healthy thing for us to distance ourselves from toxic individuals as best as we can. Chris mentioned an example of that.

(BTW, after a lot of heartache and a few years my friend finally permanently broke up with that manipulative man.)

 

[Dust]

Hi Kevin and others. I like this topic because it gets me thinking about how we tend to lead with judgment in our reactions to people. I do think this is a natural tendency, although not a helpful one in most cases. I would like to seek to understand as my default way of reacting to or encountering another. I think here at MS it is easier to be supportive because of shared expectations of support, site moderation, and of the fact that we have time to think about how we may come across before we press the submit button. Maybe being here will help me in my quest to be more understanding.

 

[Greg56]

I've always surrounded myself with the needy. Today, I have two friends who always, always will only talk about their problems...seriously. When I get a word in edge wise, its like I have said nothing at all.

Fortunately, I have another two friends who will listen to what I say, and are a positive influence. I also feel fortunate to have this forum...to say/ask what I want need to.

Although, I wish the two selfish people in my life would go away, they are much too close...and I have a real problem saying no.

much love
Greg

 

[KMCINVA]

Life is difficult on many fronts. I am learning how I look at the world, most importantly myself, helps me to accept others and to decide who shall be part of my life. It is said, what you surround yourself with, you become. I believe this is true. If you surround yourself with doubters, people who mock and find fault in others, judge or closed mind people who believe they know everything your world becomes a negative place to live. I now surround myself with kind, compassionate and non-judgmental people--boy can I feel a different in life. I see on social media people posting how important kindness, forgiveness, forgoing revenge, letting going and I look at their lives, their words are without meaning or substance. When around negative people I just smile and go into my own world, for I have lived among their world and they nearly killed me. Sad for them, but for me I hope they find their way.

I know in life I have hurt others for which I am sorry, I have given much to others--some appreciative and others have turned --but it is their life and they need to choose a path of positivism or negativism. Only they can decide.

The older I become and hear of illness and death I have come to accept each day. I do not dwell on the negative and I do not dwell on the abuse, the abuser or tormentors. I only have a finite number of days left and I am going to work to make the world a better place for me and those who have been there for me.

Kevin

 

[KMCINVA]

It really hit home today. The friend was diagnosed with glioblastoma Stage 4-the cancer John McCain is suffering. Survival rates are quite low within a 2 year period. Sad, he has so much on his plate with an acrimonious divorce that never seems to end, kids who have been quite the handful and now this in his life. Two weeks before the judge put a stop to his ex's on going threats, awarded him his legal fees and suggested she and the children get help because too much poison is in their minds. Then he is finally free of her threats and then he gets hit with this.

He is in his mid 50's. His attitude is surprisingly upbeat but concerns are for his children. They have been taken by this diagnosis and have major regrets and guilt for what they have done during the divorce and after. He just told them we cannot change the past and let us make the best for today and how many ever tomorrows we have.

It makes me realize how in life we create barriers and until something tragic occurs we are unable to look at the past with eyes of the truthfulness and realize we spend too much time judging others. These situatiins are all to common. Makes me angry at those who abused us and those who made us relive the abuse over and over with their treatment of a survivor. I csnnot change what happened but i can set my future.

Kevin

 

[KMCINVA]

I just need to write and vent. My friend continues to receive bad news. He has been offered treatment--radiation and chemo for 5 weeks and then 5 weeks of electromagnetic therapy. They did a genetic test of the tumor and he was told with treatment he had one year at best and without treatment 4 months. However due to the type of tumor even with treatment the tumor may grow and expect life expectancy with be less than than the year. He said to me, the doctors said no one survives a glioblastoma. He said he wanted to survive. His words stirred many emotions in my mind.

I spoke with my friend the psychiatrist and he asked how I felt about those words and the options. I said I would not know what to do because I would want to live. He asked if I was faced with this situation a year ago how would I respond. I know my attempt and desire to live was not there. I thought of my childhood prayer and desire to die before I woke, how I thought the same as I lied in bed next to my wife after awakening from the nightmares and her taunts and mocking noises, the near attempts and the one that almost came true. I said I would opt for the shortest survival period if it was then, but not today. He said I have come a long way in healing. I learned something about myself but asked him how do I respond to my friend. He said never judge, ask questions, never say what I would do. It is his life and decision. He asked how did I feel when my family spat, judged and abandoned me. I felt guilt, shame, and thought little of myself, death was the answer. He has always and other medical professionals believe my daughter and ex's sister as well as any other peopl3in the medical profession do a disservice and should be banned when they place a survivor in a dangerous place by their words and actions and base medical advise on ignorance. He said this is why many with mental illness, trauma do not survive, medical people let them down, and these are the people who cannot face their own inability to understand the mind or their lack of knowledge. He said my friend may be feeling like a victim why me and what do I do? He said be like those that gave me support, be there, listen do not judge, give a hug because only the person living the experience knows how they feel.

My heart is heavy because he helped me in my difficult period, checked on me and looked for me when I disappeared. I am there for him, we talk, I mostly listen and maybe my therapy and support groups have taught me the value of listening, not judging or projecting how I would react--because until we walk in one's shoes we do not know how we will react.

Thanks for listening.

Kevin

 

[Suwanee]

We need support and we all deserve the best in life. Let us work together to lift each other to enjoy each day, because we never know when it will be the last.

Kevin, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. I ecently watched a colleague and friend my age slowly succumb to a rare cancer. It's devastating in its human cost since he had two kids the same age as my own. It's also a pointed reminder of life's fragility for those of us seemingly cocooned from devastation. This is a lesson I learned just in the past two weeks as devastation nearly visited me in the form of a pickup truck that ran a stop sign. I was riding my bicycle, so you can see the mismatch. I was fortunate-very fortunate even as things looked dire at first. I may post more on this as I process what happened in the last two weeks. I am very contemplative at the moment. My thoughts are with you.

Don't just seize the day. Experience it. Savor it. Be thankful for it.

Will

 

[Dust]

Hi Kevin. I'm very sorry to hear of your friend's prognosis. Your description of how he supported you during your difficult time says to me that he is a good person. I understand your need to vent and share your experience here. You are going through a lot yourself as a support for your friend. I just wanted to let you know that we are listening. This situation has understandably brought up the struggles you've had in the past with not wanting to live. I'm glad that you are in a much better place now. It sounds like you've done a lot of good recovery work since a year ago. It's good that you could talk with your psychiatrist friend about what your friend is going through and how best to support him. He sounds like a really good support for you. His advice to simply listen sounds good. It sounds like you are already doing that for your friend. As the days, weeks, and months pass, I hope that you continue to reach out for support here and elsewhere, because it is a difficult situation for you also as someone who is there for someone who has a terminal disease. I know that you know this already, but I just want to emphasize that it will help you be a better support for your friend if you recognize that you also need support in this.

 

[victor-victim]

life is beautiful,
short and sweet and brutal.
i am careful to be grateful.

 

[KMCINVA]

Thanks you for your support. I was talking with him yesterday and he had a very positive outlook on his situation. He said something that truly resonated with me--when you have an "expiration" date you realize do what you can do today and not wait until tomorrow. Remember it is people that are important and everything else is irrelevant. He went on to say, we all believe to some extent we have tomorrow and the tomorrow after and so on, but none of us ever truly knows. He said all he looks forward to is having drinks with "kind" people. It hit home and I realized I have kind people here at MS and those who rallied and supported me after those who chose a different path that pushed me to places no one should be pushed.

It reminded me of what Ellen from the talk show always says--be kind to each other. It is so true especially when you hear those words from some one with an "expiration" date. Everything else including ill treatment and denial is petty, can be revengeful and self serving, serves no purpose.

Kevin

 

[Dust]

Kevin, thank you for sharing the words of your friend with us. What I find deeply touching about your friend is that he is finding meaning in his life at this time. Both by appreciating his present moments with you and others and by sharing with you what is really important in life he is both truly living and giving. I've been honored to be in the presence of a couple such people at the end of their lives and have come to cherish the memories and the time I shared with them. Although it may be that not every moment will be a moment of strength, I am in awe of people like your friend who can live a meaningful life as they come to the end of their life. It says so much about their strength and what we are able to overcome. I am glad that you are getting something from being with him. The messages and gifts that he has for you, and for us through you, are that much more profound because they come from someone who knows, because of his circumstances, what is important in life. The challenge for me is to become receptive to these gifts. Again, thank you for sharing your time with your friend with us.

 

[KMCINVA]

I am sad to have to reflect once again on this thread. My friend has been in a program at Duke University. He had been in remission from the glioblastoma until yesterday, almost a year. He received word the tumor is reappearing. He has been on a chemo regiment of 28 days, 28 days off. Now it will be daily with no time off. Once the tumor is a certain size the experimental part of the program begins. A genetically modified poliovirus is injected to activate an autoimmune response where by the virus begins to attack the cancer. Twenty one percent of patients respond positively extending life. Over time, the longer the survival the greater chance of extended survival but the odds are not yet the best. My own current situation hits home.

When he told me my heart sank. I have absorbed it and realize he probably has a finite time and possesses a positive attitude. He has been through hell with a difficult divorce and children who are less than grateful. He keeps going, never complains. I thought of my life, similarities and how CSA absorbed and controlled my life. He has a disease that will most likely limit his life. It made me realize, screw all those that dwarfed our lives, triggered abuse and abused because all our lives are finite. I say that without vengeance, hate revenge only sadness for they do not realize who they are and what they have done. Live life, love life and try to focus on the good and not let the past dominate or control. I then thought, remember those that abused us, triggered us, did not support us, their lives are finite also.

Kevin

 

[WG]

Seems like life just doesn't let up for some people , and don't we know that. It didn't let up for an incredible amount of time for some of us with abuse, sex abuse, hurt, sorrow. The outlook for the day ahead looks like the day before. Yet, we did move on. We did become adult men and some of us made a life for ourselves. Your friend, Kevin, has been that example to you - and now to the rest of us. I cannot imagine what he must endure day after day.

My cousin, who was 2 years younger than me, went through kidney dialysis for 22 years. 22 years. It staggered me to realize just how long he went through that. After the sessions he would just need to go home and sleep. He never married, never worked outside the home, rarely drove, was unable to attend too many functions since he was always tired. One morning my aunt, his mother, went to get him (he lived in a small house at the back of his folks' property) and he said he didn't wish to go any longer. He said he'd had it and was done. So done. He soon passed away as could be expected.
We, too, have endured so much. We, too, come to the time when we say we're done with it. Whatever that looks like to us. Yes,Kevin, the abusers lives are finite, too. There's a comfort in there somewhere.........