Letting go
Letting go
- Thread starterTabor
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Tabor,
You ask "How do I let go?". Slowly. You have been taken down a certain path over a period of a year and it will take some time to change directions.
Be kind to yourself and take your time. You have been wounded by the abuse. Whether intentional or not, his statements can make you feel like you have been lied to and used. THis is tough to find out even under the best of circumstances.
Why did he go back to what he described as abuse? I could not tell you. Maybe it it the familiarity of abusive environment. Maybe feelings of being undeserving of a "good" relationship. Only he knows the reasons and I am not sure he is even conscious of them at this time. I suspect it has little to do with you.
At this point, YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU! This is not selfish, it is smart. He made his choices; unfortunately, you have to live with them as well. You have your life. Focus there. What are the good things that will support you as you recover and heal?
You are definitely not worthless. Please PM me, if you wish.
You ask "How do I let go?". Slowly. You have been taken down a certain path over a period of a year and it will take some time to change directions.
Be kind to yourself and take your time. You have been wounded by the abuse. Whether intentional or not, his statements can make you feel like you have been lied to and used. THis is tough to find out even under the best of circumstances.
Why did he go back to what he described as abuse? I could not tell you. Maybe it it the familiarity of abusive environment. Maybe feelings of being undeserving of a "good" relationship. Only he knows the reasons and I am not sure he is even conscious of them at this time. I suspect it has little to do with you.
At this point, YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU! This is not selfish, it is smart. He made his choices; unfortunately, you have to live with them as well. You have your life. Focus there. What are the good things that will support you as you recover and heal?
You are definitely not worthless. Please PM me, if you wish.
Tabor,
While your post does not sound good, it's good to see you back.
Honestly, if he can't accept what you have to give him, then he is right. Giving and love in a relationship should go both ways; if you are giving and giving what he cannot accept, you will just feel as though you're throwing it into a bottomless pit.
How do you move on? Don't wait for it to happen. Start finding ways to occupy yourself, stay active, have fun. Find support in the form of people who will encourage your present life, not people who will only go over the past with you.
Your love is yours. You didn't run out of it, giving it to him. When you need to give it again, it will be there.
Take care of yourself,
SAR
While your post does not sound good, it's good to see you back.
Maybe he didn't feel worthy to tell you?
Honestly, if he can't accept what you have to give him, then he is right. Giving and love in a relationship should go both ways; if you are giving and giving what he cannot accept, you will just feel as though you're throwing it into a bottomless pit.
How do you move on? Don't wait for it to happen. Start finding ways to occupy yourself, stay active, have fun. Find support in the form of people who will encourage your present life, not people who will only go over the past with you.
Your love is yours. You didn't run out of it, giving it to him. When you need to give it again, it will be there.
Take care of yourself,
SAR
Tabor,
I don't know of any real advice to give you but some of the things you wrots made me think of my past with an ex. I'd like to share my story just to prove that sometimes things happen for a reason even when it hurts like hell.
I lived with a guy who I was so madly in love with for two years. He was from South Africa. We wanted to eventually get married and everything. One day he decided that he didn't want to live in the US anymore and wanted to go back to South Africa. It was a total shock for me. He wanted to go back alone WITHOUT me, and he did. I was totally heart broken and could not understand why he did this to me after living with him for two years. After he left we stayed in contact and he told me he still loved me constantly but it just wasn't the right time for us to be together. Two years went by with us still talking like this. I have never been so depressed in my life. For two years I cried constantly. I didn't leave my house except to go to work. All I could think of was him, and wanting to be with him. Finally one day when he called he told me that he wanted me to come to South Africa to be with him. He said he was sorry for ever hurting me and didn't know why he had done any of this. He was crying and everything. Well my heart just raced. This was the phone call that I had been waiting for for two years straight. My parents agreed to pay for my trip there because they knew how depressed I had been for so long. I went to a travel agency and everything and got my tickets to go. I was happy beyond belief. I felt alive again. Then a very strange thing started to happen. Now remember I wished for nothing for two years straight except to be with this guy and I finally had my chance. But something heavy started weighing on my heart. I had this overwhelming feeling that I should not go. I couldn't figure out why. I mean this was crazy. I loved this guy and of course I wanted to go, but this feeling kept haunting me. So I called him and said "I'm not coming. I don't know why, but I just can't." When we hung up I felt like shit. I went to the grocery store to buy a bottle of wine. I'm not a big drinker at all but I really needed one at the time. I pulled into the parking lot, got out of my car, walked towards the grocery store door and I swear to God I locked eyes with a man walking out and it was it. I felt a strong surge of love. I will never be able to explain it. I am married to this man now that was walking out of the door while I was walking in. I know this has nothing to do with your situation but I wish that during those 2 years of crying someone would have told me that I would eventually meet a man that I would feel a love for that I had never felt before. He is my best friend , my soul mate, my everything. I wasted 2 years of being totally depressed and wanting to die. Please don't waste anymore of your time being sad. You never know what or who is waiting around the corner for you. By the way I found out years later that the guy from South Africa cheated on me the whole time we we're living together. Thank God I didn't go to South Africa.
I don't know of any real advice to give you but some of the things you wrots made me think of my past with an ex. I'd like to share my story just to prove that sometimes things happen for a reason even when it hurts like hell.
I lived with a guy who I was so madly in love with for two years. He was from South Africa. We wanted to eventually get married and everything. One day he decided that he didn't want to live in the US anymore and wanted to go back to South Africa. It was a total shock for me. He wanted to go back alone WITHOUT me, and he did. I was totally heart broken and could not understand why he did this to me after living with him for two years. After he left we stayed in contact and he told me he still loved me constantly but it just wasn't the right time for us to be together. Two years went by with us still talking like this. I have never been so depressed in my life. For two years I cried constantly. I didn't leave my house except to go to work. All I could think of was him, and wanting to be with him. Finally one day when he called he told me that he wanted me to come to South Africa to be with him. He said he was sorry for ever hurting me and didn't know why he had done any of this. He was crying and everything. Well my heart just raced. This was the phone call that I had been waiting for for two years straight. My parents agreed to pay for my trip there because they knew how depressed I had been for so long. I went to a travel agency and everything and got my tickets to go. I was happy beyond belief. I felt alive again. Then a very strange thing started to happen. Now remember I wished for nothing for two years straight except to be with this guy and I finally had my chance. But something heavy started weighing on my heart. I had this overwhelming feeling that I should not go. I couldn't figure out why. I mean this was crazy. I loved this guy and of course I wanted to go, but this feeling kept haunting me. So I called him and said "I'm not coming. I don't know why, but I just can't." When we hung up I felt like shit. I went to the grocery store to buy a bottle of wine. I'm not a big drinker at all but I really needed one at the time. I pulled into the parking lot, got out of my car, walked towards the grocery store door and I swear to God I locked eyes with a man walking out and it was it. I felt a strong surge of love. I will never be able to explain it. I am married to this man now that was walking out of the door while I was walking in. I know this has nothing to do with your situation but I wish that during those 2 years of crying someone would have told me that I would eventually meet a man that I would feel a love for that I had never felt before. He is my best friend , my soul mate, my everything. I wasted 2 years of being totally depressed and wanting to die. Please don't waste anymore of your time being sad. You never know what or who is waiting around the corner for you. By the way I found out years later that the guy from South Africa cheated on me the whole time we we're living together. Thank God I didn't go to South Africa.
Dear Tabor
I have experienced the same kind of story with V. After some wonderful time together, he starting pulling out and coming back to finally start an affair with a horrible girl who wanted to destroy me and treated him like shit. I know at that time, V had had a hard time with his mother (his abuser), memories resurfacing, anger coming out and paranoia that I would manipulate him...He could not see how badly the other woman treated him and he picked on me. He blamed me for everything but was unable to deal with things as an adult and end things properly with me. He denied his feelings and talked to people as if I was crazy, as if I was a stalker. Suddenly he turned into someone that was NOTHING like him.
I finally understood that he did not want me to help, he probably knew he was dealing with all the shit of his life and did not want to pull me down with him. I also know he was facing sexual healing and that he would not feel free to experience his agressive side with me because I am a survivor. I also had the feeling he wanted to punish himself for breaking up relations with his mother. Anyway, I had to get out of it. At first I was seeing him with other people (and his new girlfriend) but that made me feel like shit, so I stopped. His girlfriend tried to destroy me with evil gossips which he found convenient to believe. It was so horrible that it left me in pieces. I started taking care of myself, doing my stuff, concentrating on my studies and my friends. I thought the best thing I could do was to stand my ground, show him I was strong and not dysfunctional. I wrote him a letter of love and truth, trying to be honest about myself, respecting his choices, telling him about what was unacceptable and validating his progress.
After that, I had a lot of wonderful opportunities with my work, I got support from friends and I made major progress in my healing.
I know now he has ended his affair but I have no idea whether or not he still has feelings for me. I think of him everyday, I can't stand being in Paris because he is there too, I hurt and I can't wait leaving the country. If I can't be with him then I might be better off, far away doing something meaningfull. The pain does not go away, I have just managed to evacuate my rage against his mother for all the evil and destruction she has done. My love, V, is such a wonderful person, so caring and giving, when he is not afraid, when he does not mix up love with rape and manipulation.
I believe I have done the best for myself and also for the "relationship". He has to make a choice and take a risk if he really wants to be with me.
Good luck to you
Caro
I have experienced the same kind of story with V. After some wonderful time together, he starting pulling out and coming back to finally start an affair with a horrible girl who wanted to destroy me and treated him like shit. I know at that time, V had had a hard time with his mother (his abuser), memories resurfacing, anger coming out and paranoia that I would manipulate him...He could not see how badly the other woman treated him and he picked on me. He blamed me for everything but was unable to deal with things as an adult and end things properly with me. He denied his feelings and talked to people as if I was crazy, as if I was a stalker. Suddenly he turned into someone that was NOTHING like him.
I finally understood that he did not want me to help, he probably knew he was dealing with all the shit of his life and did not want to pull me down with him. I also know he was facing sexual healing and that he would not feel free to experience his agressive side with me because I am a survivor. I also had the feeling he wanted to punish himself for breaking up relations with his mother. Anyway, I had to get out of it. At first I was seeing him with other people (and his new girlfriend) but that made me feel like shit, so I stopped. His girlfriend tried to destroy me with evil gossips which he found convenient to believe. It was so horrible that it left me in pieces. I started taking care of myself, doing my stuff, concentrating on my studies and my friends. I thought the best thing I could do was to stand my ground, show him I was strong and not dysfunctional. I wrote him a letter of love and truth, trying to be honest about myself, respecting his choices, telling him about what was unacceptable and validating his progress.
After that, I had a lot of wonderful opportunities with my work, I got support from friends and I made major progress in my healing.
I know now he has ended his affair but I have no idea whether or not he still has feelings for me. I think of him everyday, I can't stand being in Paris because he is there too, I hurt and I can't wait leaving the country. If I can't be with him then I might be better off, far away doing something meaningfull. The pain does not go away, I have just managed to evacuate my rage against his mother for all the evil and destruction she has done. My love, V, is such a wonderful person, so caring and giving, when he is not afraid, when he does not mix up love with rape and manipulation.
I believe I have done the best for myself and also for the "relationship". He has to make a choice and take a risk if he really wants to be with me.
Good luck to you
Caro
Unfortunately I too have a few similar breakup stories like this myself.. its always baffling when you want to love someone and care for them and they would rather choose something that's not so good for them... but sooner or later you learn to accept that their decision has absolutely NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with what he thinks of himself, and if this is where he currently is in his relationship with HIMSELF it was probably NEVER gonna work out, not in the current time frame, anyhow...
If someone is still in a stage where they dislike themselves SO much that they'd rather be with someone who treats them poorly they're NOT in a place where they'd be able to make healthy decisions and form a healthy relationship. This does not imply or say anything about who that person is deep inside, but at the current time, we have to accept that the person IS where they are, only TIME and some kind of inner motivation (which may or may not come, and if it comes, who knows when it will come) only THEN will that person be a good person for you. If not, then you'd likely be in for a rough ride, one that has a high chance of being difficult and emotionally draining for you....
In relationships timing is EVERYTHING - both partners have to BE the right people at the right time for things to work - its no good for only ONE person to be pushing for things to be right and to try and fix the other person - its just too difficult. Relationships/life is tough enough even when BOTH people are healthy and centred, let alone when someone is still so early in their healing (or not healing) where they'd rather be with someone who treats them like crap than with someone who treats them with love.
If someone is still in a stage where they dislike themselves SO much that they'd rather be with someone who treats them poorly they're NOT in a place where they'd be able to make healthy decisions and form a healthy relationship. This does not imply or say anything about who that person is deep inside, but at the current time, we have to accept that the person IS where they are, only TIME and some kind of inner motivation (which may or may not come, and if it comes, who knows when it will come) only THEN will that person be a good person for you. If not, then you'd likely be in for a rough ride, one that has a high chance of being difficult and emotionally draining for you....
In relationships timing is EVERYTHING - both partners have to BE the right people at the right time for things to work - its no good for only ONE person to be pushing for things to be right and to try and fix the other person - its just too difficult. Relationships/life is tough enough even when BOTH people are healthy and centred, let alone when someone is still so early in their healing (or not healing) where they'd rather be with someone who treats them like crap than with someone who treats them with love.
Thank you PAS for this brilliant resum ! I agree totally to what you have written especially with the kind of relationship the guy has with HIMSELF.
I have grown a lot with V, I think I truly discovered what a relationship is and what I want in a relationship. I have learnt to value myself, to respect him, rejoice of his choices even though they were heartbreaking for me but these choices were the very first he made in his life as an independent man, away from his mother, away from the abuse. I have learnt to love in a way that has nothing to do with possession, abuse, proof of love, playing games...
I am aiming for something simple and true. I guess my love has grown "autrement" and I am in no way the person I was before when we met. Maybe that is also a chance to start again, as a new couple but I will certainly not jeopardize my work and my new self to that possibility; V will have to know clearly what he wants and commit truly to "us".
I have grown a lot with V, I think I truly discovered what a relationship is and what I want in a relationship. I have learnt to value myself, to respect him, rejoice of his choices even though they were heartbreaking for me but these choices were the very first he made in his life as an independent man, away from his mother, away from the abuse. I have learnt to love in a way that has nothing to do with possession, abuse, proof of love, playing games...
I am aiming for something simple and true. I guess my love has grown "autrement" and I am in no way the person I was before when we met. Maybe that is also a chance to start again, as a new couple but I will certainly not jeopardize my work and my new self to that possibility; V will have to know clearly what he wants and commit truly to "us".
Its good that youv'e had some time to gain this perspective..
Its very very critical for survivors to have some "alone time" to regroup, be focussed on oneself early in the recovery period... this is the hard part when already in a relationship - they have to go into that self-focus phase and its very hard on the partner. Abuse surviors early in their recovery have not truly learned to know, like and relate to themself, so how can they be in a relationhip with another person?
During my last long-term relationship I really started to have an inkling that the person I was with really hadn't done that "self-relationship building" phase and that he probably had some major issues he was not even aware of. I started to get nervous thinking "what happens if he goes into therapy and afterwards he realizes that I'm not the person for him and we go our separate ways after all this time"? After that point, and after the relatoinship broke down, I realised I never again wanted to get involved with someone who'd "not been around the block" so to speak - who hadn't come to the same realizations (the hard way) about life, himself, about healing, about self-esteem and self-love, etc.
I have really noticed after a lot of healing myself from my own abuse experiences that prior to now I went into relationships to make me "feel whole" and never understood why it didnt work out. I have had many therapists tell me that going into relationships needy wasn't going to work and I never "got it" until my most recent relationship.
This feels completely different - prior to now I went into relatonships feeling needy and NEEDING to have that person around, otherwise I felt very alone, isolated, depressed, etc. This time around it kind of feels like I'm in a relationship with two people - myself AND my partner, which is really strange (it feels kind of crowded sometimes!!)
For the first time EVER, during these past few years I actually look forward to time alone to do the things that I like to do.. this is something that I NEVER did when dating others.
Since I hit the big "30" I have FINALLY learned that a relationship could never have filled in what I was lacking in self-esteem, it could NEVER make me whole, but rather, it took me to be a WHOLE (as whole as any "flawed" human being can be I guess) person to make a relationship work.
I've also realized that man, it really is MUCH simpler to be alone!! Its much more lonely yes, but much much simpler. I have learned that relationships do indeed add another layer of complexity on an already complex single person life!!!
Although the ideal relationship is based on unconditional love, no relationship will last if I continually need the other person to hold me up - its got to be a give and take, as much of an equal partnership (overall) as possible, otherwise one partner may very well wind up feeling used and taken advantage of, and is that a particularly loving thing to do to someone that I profess to love?
P
Sigh.
I have to agree with you - I really don't think talking this over is going to help you move on.
I think sometimes it's just important to let the hurt settle in on you & give yourself permission to just wallow in it for a while. And during this time, you will, undoubtedly, find out some things about yourself that you have been unwilling to face or accept in the past: it's a very painful process. It's a grieving process - you are in mourning for your beautiful dreams, for a vision of the future that your heart will always long for.
But.
In a while, you will begin to find the whole thing kinda, well, BORING!
You will find that you will NEED some more positive energy, some more healthy relationships, some more FUN in you life. And that's the point at which you will find yourself willing to follow the path that leads to your greatest sense of happiness and "play!"
You will never completely forget this man, but you WILL be able to view things more objectively, more dispassionately, with time.
I have to agree with you - I really don't think talking this over is going to help you move on.
I think sometimes it's just important to let the hurt settle in on you & give yourself permission to just wallow in it for a while. And during this time, you will, undoubtedly, find out some things about yourself that you have been unwilling to face or accept in the past: it's a very painful process. It's a grieving process - you are in mourning for your beautiful dreams, for a vision of the future that your heart will always long for.
But.
In a while, you will begin to find the whole thing kinda, well, BORING!
You will find that you will NEED some more positive energy, some more healthy relationships, some more FUN in you life. And that's the point at which you will find yourself willing to follow the path that leads to your greatest sense of happiness and "play!"You will never completely forget this man, but you WILL be able to view things more objectively, more dispassionately, with time.
Tabor
My boyfriend disclosed to me in the fall and right around midterms of my fall semester, it really started affecting my schoolwork and attendance. I was trying to deal with it all alone because I didn't feel like it was "my" problem and I should just get over it.
A professor I knew pulled me aside one day, I was not doing the work in his class and he said, "I think I know you well enough to say this to you... whatever is blocking you, whatever is coming between you and your work, maybe you should get some counseling for it now while you're in school and can do it at the center here."
You might think that it would have bothered me to have someone say that I looked like I needed counseling, and it did, a little, but it was also tremendously validating and productive for me. It was a kick in the ass that I needed-- I had not thought of the situation before that as something I could fix or do anything about-- or even as "the" thing that was affecting my academics! I thought, yeah, I wasn't getting sleep, and I wasn't concentrating... but why? of course.
It's true that we can't fix or do anything about the healing of the people around us-- but sometimes it helps to take the weight of our own related problems on to our shoulders-- recognize your sadness and confusion over this friend as REAL problems that are YOUR problems, and as such, you are the only one who can do anything about them, and you are the one who will experience the consequences if you don't.
If you need to talk out the problems you're feeling within yourself about this situation with a therapist, that might be a good idea, as long as you're focusing on you and what this situation helps you see about yourself (for example, what it means to you to desire someone who is hurtful to you). I don't want to negate Kolisha's advice by saying that though-- the painful acceptance she talked about is something you will have to deal with whether you have professional help or not.
My boyfriend disclosed to me in the fall and right around midterms of my fall semester, it really started affecting my schoolwork and attendance. I was trying to deal with it all alone because I didn't feel like it was "my" problem and I should just get over it.
A professor I knew pulled me aside one day, I was not doing the work in his class and he said, "I think I know you well enough to say this to you... whatever is blocking you, whatever is coming between you and your work, maybe you should get some counseling for it now while you're in school and can do it at the center here."
You might think that it would have bothered me to have someone say that I looked like I needed counseling, and it did, a little, but it was also tremendously validating and productive for me. It was a kick in the ass that I needed-- I had not thought of the situation before that as something I could fix or do anything about-- or even as "the" thing that was affecting my academics! I thought, yeah, I wasn't getting sleep, and I wasn't concentrating... but why? of course.
It's true that we can't fix or do anything about the healing of the people around us-- but sometimes it helps to take the weight of our own related problems on to our shoulders-- recognize your sadness and confusion over this friend as REAL problems that are YOUR problems, and as such, you are the only one who can do anything about them, and you are the one who will experience the consequences if you don't.
If you need to talk out the problems you're feeling within yourself about this situation with a therapist, that might be a good idea, as long as you're focusing on you and what this situation helps you see about yourself (for example, what it means to you to desire someone who is hurtful to you). I don't want to negate Kolisha's advice by saying that though-- the painful acceptance she talked about is something you will have to deal with whether you have professional help or not.
Ok this might not be the best advice but sometimes you just have to "live with it" - the pain and stuff that is live with it for awhile the best you can. Time has an amazing way of healing - it just may take a few months of feeling crappy, not feeling like you want to do anything until you feel better.
Even though you feel bad now rest assured that after a time you WILL start to feel better and just start to naturally find yourself again.. it will come without much effort. Unfortunately we all want to "wish the pain away" but its a natural healing phase that perhaps we are all too quick to try and "ignore" or "avoid".
Sometimes you just have to go through it, to be patient and do what feels comfy and not do what feels comfy for a time, even if you totally feel that your life is not what it once was, it WILL come back to what it used to be, and likely will be even BETTER. But it does take a bit of time for things to fall apart and reform. You WILL eventually reclaim those things that are yours and that you enjoy - a bit at a time, a piece at a time.
When I broke up with my long term BF (of 5 years) in 2000 I didnt or couldnt do ANYTHING that I liked to do for about 6-12 months.. I just couldnt look anyone in the face, I couldnt find the energy to exercise, to have fun, to go out, to socialize, to do ANYTHING. I was overweight, unhealthy, and just kind of sat around, slept, ate (what I could which was not much - I lost those extra pounds pretty quickly) and I cried, cried and cried some more. However I was in a tricky situation and had to spend a lot of energy trying to find a job and a new place to live in the midst of all my pain (we lived together and our breakup left me homeless). I had to put on a brave face and go to job interviews while all the time I was dying inside.
By October 2000 I was in a new house with a new job and a new car and I because I hadn't done all the grieving I should have back when it initially happened (I was so busy trying to find a place to live and a job) that when I finally had some security in my life I had a mini meltdown - I started throwing up several times daily, just started having physical reactions to all the stress I'd been under. My therapist (even though I had a therapist all this time I still had to do the hard work of grieving) thought that it was a reaction to all the "bullshit I'd been fed" during my relationship (and the several short term ones afterwards). I also made the mistake of jumping into something new with someone (with several someones - I became a bit of an internet-dating addict) a few months after my big breakup in 2000 and wound up just prolonging the pain - if I could have changed anything about that phase of my life it would have been to TRUST that eventually I'd find someone new, someone much better and healthier for me, and learn to enjoy my own company, which I still wasn't good at yet.
If its any consolation eventually by summertime 2001 I started feeling A LOT better. I was feeling MUCH happier.. as a totally free and single girl - I was REALLY having a good time. I had a lot of good girlfriends, I started seeing the merits of being single for the first time, I looked good, I was in good shape, it was the best summer of my life, and it was at the end of that summer that I met my fiance.. and even when we met I was kind of hoping that we'd have met the 12 months later.. I still wanted to go out and have more "single girl fun" for awhile!! Go figure!
Even though you feel bad now rest assured that after a time you WILL start to feel better and just start to naturally find yourself again.. it will come without much effort. Unfortunately we all want to "wish the pain away" but its a natural healing phase that perhaps we are all too quick to try and "ignore" or "avoid".
Sometimes you just have to go through it, to be patient and do what feels comfy and not do what feels comfy for a time, even if you totally feel that your life is not what it once was, it WILL come back to what it used to be, and likely will be even BETTER. But it does take a bit of time for things to fall apart and reform. You WILL eventually reclaim those things that are yours and that you enjoy - a bit at a time, a piece at a time.
When I broke up with my long term BF (of 5 years) in 2000 I didnt or couldnt do ANYTHING that I liked to do for about 6-12 months.. I just couldnt look anyone in the face, I couldnt find the energy to exercise, to have fun, to go out, to socialize, to do ANYTHING. I was overweight, unhealthy, and just kind of sat around, slept, ate (what I could which was not much - I lost those extra pounds pretty quickly) and I cried, cried and cried some more. However I was in a tricky situation and had to spend a lot of energy trying to find a job and a new place to live in the midst of all my pain (we lived together and our breakup left me homeless). I had to put on a brave face and go to job interviews while all the time I was dying inside.
By October 2000 I was in a new house with a new job and a new car and I because I hadn't done all the grieving I should have back when it initially happened (I was so busy trying to find a place to live and a job) that when I finally had some security in my life I had a mini meltdown - I started throwing up several times daily, just started having physical reactions to all the stress I'd been under. My therapist (even though I had a therapist all this time I still had to do the hard work of grieving) thought that it was a reaction to all the "bullshit I'd been fed" during my relationship (and the several short term ones afterwards). I also made the mistake of jumping into something new with someone (with several someones - I became a bit of an internet-dating addict) a few months after my big breakup in 2000 and wound up just prolonging the pain - if I could have changed anything about that phase of my life it would have been to TRUST that eventually I'd find someone new, someone much better and healthier for me, and learn to enjoy my own company, which I still wasn't good at yet.
If its any consolation eventually by summertime 2001 I started feeling A LOT better. I was feeling MUCH happier.. as a totally free and single girl - I was REALLY having a good time. I had a lot of good girlfriends, I started seeing the merits of being single for the first time, I looked good, I was in good shape, it was the best summer of my life, and it was at the end of that summer that I met my fiance.. and even when we met I was kind of hoping that we'd have met the 12 months later.. I still wanted to go out and have more "single girl fun" for awhile!! Go figure!