Letting go.
1.5 years ago, I made a choice to let go of the anger and rage I grew up with. I didn't know how to let it go, but I became willing. This anger no longer serves me.
I've struggled this past time. Big set backs. Still very angry, honestly. But I feel cracks developing in my shield of anger. And frankly, that makes me feel a little scared. This anger has held me solid for so long, it shielded me from further possible danger.
I've lived a very lonely life as a result. I'm 42. I can't continue living a lonely life. I know my time is limited. I so need to experience the best that life has to offer - friendship, love, companionship, fun, joy, connection, empathy, caring, sadness, and heart ache. I want all of it. I need all of it.
I guess I'm writing erratically on MS now. I can see how my posts have been hyperbolic; one member asked me if I was bi-polar, or had been diagnosed. No, I'm not bi-polar, but I have become aware of how I use my writing to manipulate others into giving me attention I really don't want to have.
Please accept my apologies. At times, I have acted like a drama queen. It was a tactic I used growing up - trying to get empathy from others. But over the last few years, I've developed a dissatisfaction for that kind of attention. I really would like to have fun with other people, and have a real connection.
1.5 years ago, I made a decision to let go of anger, without knowing how to do it. Now, I see a bit of this path I'm on. I look at my expressed desires and I see a fundamental change. It's painful, because I will have to let go of all this stress and tension that's held me and my identity together for so long. It's all I've ever known, and I don't know what else to be.
I find myself admiring that I am eager to see what is beautiful in other people, and when I do see it, feeling flustered and embarrassed that I don't know how to effectively approach said people. I'm baffled. Up until this point in my life, my only approach has been to people I've been sexually attracted to; all others were ignored, to be blunt.
I'm still very frustrated - I don't know how to make friends! Meanwhile, my earnest attempts at reconciling with my anger continue; I've taken up the "loving kindness" meditation again in this past couple weeks. And after just 4 days of doing it on the morning train commute, a pronounced change in my awareness of my thoughts, and having power in guiding where my thoughts go.
Do I want to think about negative things, or do I want to look for the beauty? The wisdom of the ages seems to be beckoning to me once again 'we become what we think'.
I don't know what further steps to take. I still struggle, almost on a daily basis, with anger, but, to be honest, its far less than what it was 6 months ago. I still carry a lot of anger, and I still want to let it go. All of it.
I want to let it go. If ever there was a worthy prayer that I could ask, it is to have this anger lifted from me.
I've struggled this past time. Big set backs. Still very angry, honestly. But I feel cracks developing in my shield of anger. And frankly, that makes me feel a little scared. This anger has held me solid for so long, it shielded me from further possible danger.
I've lived a very lonely life as a result. I'm 42. I can't continue living a lonely life. I know my time is limited. I so need to experience the best that life has to offer - friendship, love, companionship, fun, joy, connection, empathy, caring, sadness, and heart ache. I want all of it. I need all of it.
I guess I'm writing erratically on MS now. I can see how my posts have been hyperbolic; one member asked me if I was bi-polar, or had been diagnosed. No, I'm not bi-polar, but I have become aware of how I use my writing to manipulate others into giving me attention I really don't want to have.
Please accept my apologies. At times, I have acted like a drama queen. It was a tactic I used growing up - trying to get empathy from others. But over the last few years, I've developed a dissatisfaction for that kind of attention. I really would like to have fun with other people, and have a real connection.
1.5 years ago, I made a decision to let go of anger, without knowing how to do it. Now, I see a bit of this path I'm on. I look at my expressed desires and I see a fundamental change. It's painful, because I will have to let go of all this stress and tension that's held me and my identity together for so long. It's all I've ever known, and I don't know what else to be.
I find myself admiring that I am eager to see what is beautiful in other people, and when I do see it, feeling flustered and embarrassed that I don't know how to effectively approach said people. I'm baffled. Up until this point in my life, my only approach has been to people I've been sexually attracted to; all others were ignored, to be blunt.
I'm still very frustrated - I don't know how to make friends! Meanwhile, my earnest attempts at reconciling with my anger continue; I've taken up the "loving kindness" meditation again in this past couple weeks. And after just 4 days of doing it on the morning train commute, a pronounced change in my awareness of my thoughts, and having power in guiding where my thoughts go.
Do I want to think about negative things, or do I want to look for the beauty? The wisdom of the ages seems to be beckoning to me once again 'we become what we think'.
I don't know what further steps to take. I still struggle, almost on a daily basis, with anger, but, to be honest, its far less than what it was 6 months ago. I still carry a lot of anger, and I still want to let it go. All of it.
I want to let it go. If ever there was a worthy prayer that I could ask, it is to have this anger lifted from me.
