Letting Go/Recovery over for me

Letting Go/Recovery over for me
A

andrew76

Registrant
The last couple of days has been hell and makes me want to completely give up on recovery.The significant other knew me years ago when the abuse was going on and this person knows me inside out this person knows me so much more then any other person and now this person just took another chunk of me forever that I know I will be unable to recover.Why is that every time I start back onto the road to recovery and wanting to hit recovery hard so I make myself so much like a rock where nothing will ever effect me again it just rips another piece of me away what the hell am I doing wrong,why am I making myself so god darn vulnerable man I am such as fuck up here I sit losing everything in my life that I have ever cared about.

The hurt runs so deep that I don't know if I can ever really recover from the gaping wounds left in me yet again for a second time where I thought I had made myself like a rock over the last few years that I would not ever let anyone I have cared about know how much they have hurt me on the phone yesterday the tears just flowed like a river and never stopped last night went to try and sleep with a headache and yet again today feelings hurt so damn much and to think I allowed myself to open myself back up to a person I cared for very much I should have known better,I should have known I was going to get hurt again.

Recovery for me is over with I can't seem to be able to let myself get through without getting hurt again so now I bring out my old self nothing but a hard rock unpenetratable this way I never get hurt again.
 
Andrew I can feel your pain.

Lets look at this a bit. The most important person in your life is you yourself. You have to please nobody but yourself and you can be who you want to be. It is very important to remember where the hurt is coming from. It is from outside from someone who knew what was going on and I presume did nothing about it.

I am sorry but I have to say if that had been me I would have punched their lights out or something else. How goddamned dare they do this to you. Nobody and I mean nobody has the right to hurt you so bad. My brother I say "Screw em" "Screw em all". You have been here long enough, longer than me, to know that we are all here for each other. We support and offer comfort etc. Dont give up Andrew. You are a much better person than the one who just hurt you.
 
Please don't give up, Andrew. I really believe the vulnerability that allowed you to be hurt so badly again is an important part of the healing process. When we were abused, we put up the walls so we couldn't get hurt anymore. I think part of healing is slowly letting down the walls and risking the hurt. Easy for me to say, but not easy for me to do. Right now, this is the only place in the world where I let my walls down. I really can't anywhere else. And sometimes I get hurt even in here, though nothing like the hurt you are feeling now. I know you're in horrible pain, but, if you can, please don't let this person do this to you. This person was only able to hurt you like this because you are a feeling person who was willing to open yourself up to another. I think we all know how isolating that other kind of life can be even though it's a lot safer.
I was about to throw this whole place away myself this week. And then I thought, but what will I do if I can't go there? Who will I talk to? Don't give up, Andrew. Going back inside as good as it looks...and boy does it look good about every other day...in the long run, is worse.
Read what you have written below your post. It really is true.
 
Andrew, sometimes this path we tread is hard and steep, and there are so many mountains to climb, and so many obstacles laid in our path.

Sometimes it is hard to not just give up, but if you consider these same paths when they too, were so steep and mountainous, then you never gave up.

I know you are going through a real hard time right now, but you still have this place, I pray that you will find peace in your life,

ste
 
Hang in there, Andrew. Please do.

I have to quote a Steely Dan song here:

Any major dude with half a heart
Surely will tell you, my friend
Any minor world that breaks apart
Falls together again

And when the demon is at your door
In the morning it won't be there no more
Any major dude will tell you


I know this was not a "minor world" that broke apart, but it WILL fall back together again, perhaps in a different way, but it will.

Peace,
James
 
Andrew

You have my empathy. I certainly know about hurt and being ripped to shreds, emotionally and physically.

Dont give up. I tried to exit recovery a few times, at the time it felt I had knowhere else to go, but I stuck with it. I started thinking about me so I put myself first because some people are totally without feeling, for anything, I know I was one of them.

I stopped trying to kill myself with booze and drugs as in the past I had only stopped for other people. It took me a long time to come to the conclusion that things could change for the better and WOW how better is life now than it was ten years ago.

I wouldnt change my life for all the tea in China. Even with my bad experiencies and memories I wouldnt change a thing as what I have now is priceless and I have worked hard to gain it. I've learnt a lot about me and my fellow survivors in my short recovery from CSA and I feel I'm putting it to good use. I do however still have my off days self doubt, anger, depressed, etc, but even those days are not as bad as they used to be

"This too shall pass" (an AA saying I think)

Kirk
"Instigate change, as it appears it wont come naturally in our cause. Sometimes it needs a little forcing".
 
Andrew
I don't think you can 'exit' that easily, we know we can't force ourselves to forget, we wouldn't be here if that were possible. So you won't forget all the work you've done so far.
It's going to be tough, but you've done 'tough' before.

Take care
Dave
 
Andrew - scars hurt, whether they are under the skin, or visible on the skin.

Sometimes cold weather makes them play up as they contract within themselves. Warm weather makes them itch - they're always there. I guess we are all pretty much used to them being there, we have to find ways of dealing with them (I don't believe that there is a 'catch all cure').

Yes it can bloody hurt dealing with this, but I remember when I was an iceberg that just closed off my feelings. It hurts sometimes to let those feelings out, but nowhere near as much as it hurt when no one knew.

Ice does melt eventually no matter how long we stay in the freezer.

Andrew - please stick with it...it's a hard road, but just think of the satisfaction of finally winning.

Best wishes ...Rik
 
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