Letting go (NOT)

[reality2k4]

When I was a boy, life seemed so intolerable, it was like a mission to just keep control of my very life and to live as a kid, which I thought was beyond the control I had.

My life was a constant pressure vessel waiting to explode, and every day I found myself in trouble because of my lax behaviour masking out the hurt.

On the outside I must have just been the strange kid who seemed immersed in his own little World, on my inside it was like a cauldron waiting to bubble over and scream out in hurt.

I got pretty good at wearing these masks, and even today I can pretty much hide any hurt that I go through which causes its own problems, as people take advantage when I am hurt.

Not showing emotions is due to my past, and can lead to relationship problems, both personal and family.

I talked over these problems with a woman who is trained in listening to abused males, and did I talk, I told her that dealing with this is like having an old friend who I did not want to lose.

I find that I cannot talk things thru with a man, they tried that, and he got nowhere really other than to know I was hurt.

I dont think I could ever let go, anyone else?

ste

 

[Hauser]

I'm at an emotional disconnect as well. Whenever I read the tragic stories of destroyed lives on this board, I never cry or even get "misty". I feel concern, and wonder what's going through their minds, but I never cry.

The others, I won't bother mentioning names, say things like "tears" etc., I never feel them. I know that lives are destroyed, etc. Do I literally lack empathy? I don't think so. Cognitively, I know what's happened to them and a lot of the ramifications, but still, I don't cry.

Weird, I wonder if my anger is stopping me from "feeling" sadness.

I'm really cluess about all of this. I can say more after I see my T for the first time.

 

[roadrunner]

Ste and Hauser,

It took me a long time to let go and express how I feel. Now I can't imagine ever going back to the way I was in the past, but it was very difficult. It took a lot of effort and a lot of encouragement from a few key people, mainly here.

I think that for me refusing to show emotion was a defense mechanism carried forward from childhood. I had to hide what was happening, that was my top priority. Learning to block my feelings, though, meant I was also denying that I had something to hurt about. My feelings didn't matter, and neither did I.

When I started trying to deal with this I can now see that I was afraid I would be flooded and overwhelmed; feeling again would mean I would not be in control. I would not be able to slot things into convenient compartments where they could be hidden and denied. Learning to feel again would mean facing what had happened to me.

I can't say I have solved this one yet. But I sure can see how important it is. I think we can all do it, and learning to feel again is an integral part of the path to healing.

Much love,
Larry