Letters to those who abused and loved me
I've been thinking on this for a while, which is this: what would I say to all those who abused me in the past if I had them in a single room together and it were the last time I knew I would ever see them before I died? What would I say?
To my father: "You are the man who fathered me, but I cannot think of you as my father. We have no relationship, no closeness, no bond. I still recoil from you at times without thinking when I see you get mad, an instinct of you beating the shit out me when I was growing up. All that rage, always boiling within you. I was never worthy of your acknowledgment. I was your child, but more a possession than a son. I can forgive you, but you made a horrible life for those who only wanted to be close to you. A wasted life."
To my brother: "All our lives, you overshadowed me, I was always walking in your shadow. Your manipulation of me and those around you was always to your advantage, learned behaviour from our father. How you used me sexually and then cast me aside, done with me like an old newspaper, still haunts me. But I have no use for you now. I still have so much anger towards you, but you'll never understand that. You never will. You're 45 years old now, but still 15 in your maturity. What should have been a lifelong friendship between two brothers was destroyed by your ignorance, cruelty, and self-centeredness."
To my mother: "You asked me a while back 'Why can't we talk?'. Mom, I can't take any more guilt from you for what's failed in this family. You ask why we can't talk? Tranlsation is really: you want to know what my problem is and why I'm not serving your needs. You take and take and take, but never give of yourself. You don't have it in you. You never will. And now, I can't walk this road any more, I just can't. I've learned not to expect anything out of you, so I don't get disappointed any more."
To my first wife: "I've spent 23 years trying to understand what was so undersireable about me to make you want to discard everything we'd dreamed of as sweethearts and throw it away by sleeping with my brother. I still can't understand it. I've tried to apply reason to it any number of ways, and the answer to the equation always comes out wrong. You broke my soul and destroyed what little dignity I had cobbled together after getting out of my family. I only hope you never had done to you what you destroyed in me."
And what would I say to those who have shown me unconditional love and acceptance? Here's a few:
To my wife: "All my life, I've felt like damaged goods, never feeling like anyone could like me that knew me. I expected the same from you, but that didn't happen. You never had issue with the fact that I had been divorced. I didn't understand why you didn't fulfill my self-prophesies of rejection - for some reason, you've stayed with me, through the good and bad, not letting the past color your thoughts of me. Acceptance. That's a hard thing for me to understand, that anyone would accept me for what I am, and I love you dearly for it."
To my father-in-law: "You're so much more of a father to me than my own father. You've never criticized anything I've done. I can (and have) talk to you about anything. You're the one man I feel I can come to with any problem and have you understand and honestly try to help me with necessary. You treat me as though I'm your son, and you have no idea how much that means to me."
To my mother-in-law: "I call you Mom, but you don't know that in my heart you have the place of my mother. You have loved me as your son. You tell me you love me, you hug me with feeling, and you show your love in so many ways to me through your actions and words. You've never said a cross word to me, and you always make me feel welcome and appreciated in your home. Since I married your daughter 16 years ago, I've felt like I understand where her unselfish and loving heart originated from. She learned it from her mother."
Thanks for anyone who reads this, it felt good to write it out.
To my father: "You are the man who fathered me, but I cannot think of you as my father. We have no relationship, no closeness, no bond. I still recoil from you at times without thinking when I see you get mad, an instinct of you beating the shit out me when I was growing up. All that rage, always boiling within you. I was never worthy of your acknowledgment. I was your child, but more a possession than a son. I can forgive you, but you made a horrible life for those who only wanted to be close to you. A wasted life."
To my brother: "All our lives, you overshadowed me, I was always walking in your shadow. Your manipulation of me and those around you was always to your advantage, learned behaviour from our father. How you used me sexually and then cast me aside, done with me like an old newspaper, still haunts me. But I have no use for you now. I still have so much anger towards you, but you'll never understand that. You never will. You're 45 years old now, but still 15 in your maturity. What should have been a lifelong friendship between two brothers was destroyed by your ignorance, cruelty, and self-centeredness."
To my mother: "You asked me a while back 'Why can't we talk?'. Mom, I can't take any more guilt from you for what's failed in this family. You ask why we can't talk? Tranlsation is really: you want to know what my problem is and why I'm not serving your needs. You take and take and take, but never give of yourself. You don't have it in you. You never will. And now, I can't walk this road any more, I just can't. I've learned not to expect anything out of you, so I don't get disappointed any more."
To my first wife: "I've spent 23 years trying to understand what was so undersireable about me to make you want to discard everything we'd dreamed of as sweethearts and throw it away by sleeping with my brother. I still can't understand it. I've tried to apply reason to it any number of ways, and the answer to the equation always comes out wrong. You broke my soul and destroyed what little dignity I had cobbled together after getting out of my family. I only hope you never had done to you what you destroyed in me."
And what would I say to those who have shown me unconditional love and acceptance? Here's a few:
To my wife: "All my life, I've felt like damaged goods, never feeling like anyone could like me that knew me. I expected the same from you, but that didn't happen. You never had issue with the fact that I had been divorced. I didn't understand why you didn't fulfill my self-prophesies of rejection - for some reason, you've stayed with me, through the good and bad, not letting the past color your thoughts of me. Acceptance. That's a hard thing for me to understand, that anyone would accept me for what I am, and I love you dearly for it."
To my father-in-law: "You're so much more of a father to me than my own father. You've never criticized anything I've done. I can (and have) talk to you about anything. You're the one man I feel I can come to with any problem and have you understand and honestly try to help me with necessary. You treat me as though I'm your son, and you have no idea how much that means to me."
To my mother-in-law: "I call you Mom, but you don't know that in my heart you have the place of my mother. You have loved me as your son. You tell me you love me, you hug me with feeling, and you show your love in so many ways to me through your actions and words. You've never said a cross word to me, and you always make me feel welcome and appreciated in your home. Since I married your daughter 16 years ago, I've felt like I understand where her unselfish and loving heart originated from. She learned it from her mother."
Thanks for anyone who reads this, it felt good to write it out.