Letter to roommate, critique please

Letter to roommate, critique please
A

Aden

Registrant
I don't think so clearly on stuff like this. Please give me some of your ideas and advice on this. thanks

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry.

I cannot express an opinion on any topic, other than the garden, which does not result in disagreement on an emotional level. It feels as if you want nothing more from our conversations than an opportunity to show your disdain for anything that I think or believe. It appears as if your consider me both an asshole and an idiot. since you are my very dearest friend, I assume that my perceptions are incorrect. But that is how it seems. When you shut down conversations by banging your fist on the table and calling me a "fucking liar" before even letting me finish my sentence, it not only hurts my feelings, but lowers you in my estimation. the sad part for me is that you don't even know what I think. You have your mind made up and anything I might have to say is irrelevent. You have made it clear that my thoughts don't matter in your world view, and you don't care to hear them.

We use to be able to have so many good conversations. We seldom agreed, but the process of exchanging thoughts was almost always a true pleasure for me. we were exploring the universe of ideas together. But now it seems that you know all that is worth knowing and anything else is just crap. Any idea beyond your wholly negative point of view is pointless. Well, I am not crap. My thoughts are as valid as yours. You may have wasted your education, gut you cannot apply your failure to me. If you want to be stuck in the mud at the bottom of your own pity puddle, go right ahead and dive in. I refuse to join you.

These days I never know what I might say that will ignite your hostility. Even the simplest, most innocently intended statements seem to set you off. It is OK that you disagree with me. But it is not OK for you to be cruel and rude in your expression of that disagreement. I am growing increasingly afraid to be in the same room with you. My only protections from argument (as opposed to discussion) are to avoid your presence or to keep my mouth shut. This house is just too small for that kind of isolationism.

I started this letter by saying that I was sorry. What I am sorry about is the fact that we seem to no longer be friends. You have moved on to a place where everything is worthless. Where only what you think is right, and that because nothing has any meaning. You make a point of sharing your pain and frustration with every one around yow who cares by subjecting them to your ill temper. Sometimes this is a happy house. But not when you are here. The darkness follows you in the door like a cloud of flies behind a man who refuses to wipe his ass. Buddy, I love you and am thankful for the good you have done me. but I'm not here to be used for toilet paper. Find another way to deal with your problems besides abusing me.

Aden
 
Aden
wow, that's a powerful letter.

I think it's also a 'kill or cure' letter - it'll either shock your friend into behaving in a decent manner towards, and changeing his attitude, or it'll be the end of your friendship. Who can tell until he's read it ?

If it's the second option and the friendship ends, then I'm sorry about that. But I remember your last post about this, and you don't deserve to take crap like this from anyone, nobody does.
Least of all people like us who are trying so hard to move on in a positive manner. So don't let yourself be held back, if the break comes then accept it. And move on faster, this kind of 'relationship' with your friend is sucking the energy out of you; and you need it to heal.

It might be a tough decision Aden, but I think you're up to making it.

Dave
 
Dave,

Thank you! I do not know what I will do, but it is gods grace to have some one to discuss it with.

I do not deserve what is happening. But then I didn't what happened. there wasn't anyone for me to go to back then. There is now. Thanks again for allowing me the use of your power.

Aden
 
Aden,

I agree with Dave, it is that kind of letter.

What I admire most is your willingness to stand up for yourself.

Course, I hope it doesn't end the friendship. But no one has the right to treat anyone with such comtempt.

Marc
 
I agree with this others, this will lay it out in the open and either mend or end things. Sometimes, that's the only way. Sorry things are going like this for you, I hope it works out. But if it doesn't, move on and leave it all behind. (I know, easy for me to say.)
 
Something else has just come to mind as well.

Writing a letter is sometimes the best way of dealing with awkward situations, such as this one Aden is in.
When we write something we take the time to express ourselves clearly, we pause - choose our words. Sometimes we stop, go away and think then come come back and write some more. The finished letter is usually the product of clear thinking and states exactly what we want to say.

Then we deliver the letter, and the other person reads it. They also see the words with more clarity than if they were listening to them, they re-read sentences and passages, or the whole thing.
They have a chance to think about the words they see and the message within them.

Compare that to slanging match where one person starts to say what they feel, the second person butts in - aggrieved. And it goes downhill from there on.

I was talking to a woman the other day, a clever and caring woman who has five 'boys' living at home with her and her husband. They're between 16 and 30 yo, and a handfull between them !
When she want's to get a message across to one of them she writes them a letter and places it on their pillow. Since she started to do this, and it's not an everyday thing, she has found that the boys respond with far less aggression towards her and rows rarely break out.
They have ALWAYS come and talked to her after getting a letter and sorted out whatever is the problem.

Writing gives us time to think, as does reading.

Dave
 
Hello Aden:

Your letter sounds a bit like one of many I have written during my life. Letters are good ways to let the other person read (if they will actually read it) what is on your mind at their own speed, in total privacy, with the ability to stop and gnash their teeth and shout if they need to and stop reading for awhile and the ability to pick the letter back up and continue all without having disrupted or diluted your stream of thought and message. It gives them time and space to hear you in a way that face to face cannot.

I have addressed some of the most serious problems with key people in my life (spouse, family, employers, alleged and realfriends) via letters. One of the weak points of a letter, though, is that it gives you, the writer, a blank canvas to vent in ways that you may later come to feel were excessive. Yet, there is no person face to face to give you feed-back as you write, so this is natural. If you had feed-back at some point, you may, or may not, have moderated or changed your direction, but in a letter this can't happen.

So, over the years I have learned one thing. Write the letter and then sit on it (not literally!) for about a week. During that week re-read it a few times and see if you have said what you really wish to say, and if you wish to moderate or change anything. In my own experience, after doing that I have sometimes decided to chuck the letter and just have a chat, in which case the letter was a good release and the waiting period allowed me time to digest and place into perspective what was bugging me.

If after the week (if you have that long to wait) you still want to send or deliver it, great; then at least you will do so with no regrets that you could have done it better or differently.

Not to rattle on, but another couple of points. You need to be prepared to have the other person make you out to be a raving lunatic and to dissect and use what you have written against you. This has happened to me. Usually the kind of person that is so stuck in a negative behaviour pattern is more than a bit obessessive. I have had such a person to whom I wrote a letter use it to try to rip me apart, savoring every written line as tangible proof of what a raving nutcase I am. Your letter is very reasonable sounding and well written, but remember, the flip side of the space that it gives the reader to consider your point is that it gives them unlimited time to brood and obsess over it, and sometimes they can twist it into a tool against you. However, if they are really like that, chances are they aren't people that you should give a flying fuck about and it can be your parting piece.

I can think of one letter that I wrote to an Executive Director of a non-profit corp with copy to all Board Members (I was a Board Member also). The situation was intolerable and it was my parting piece. Years later I met him and he was fishing for an apology from me and flew into a rage as bad as his old ones when I said that I regretted absoultely nothing I had written and that if I had it to do over I again, I wouldn't change a thing. Evidently, he assuaged his wounded ego for those years by believing that I had just gone to an extreme and that one day he would give me an opportunity to "apologize". I guess he was wrong about that. I gave myself ample time to rewrite and rewrite and I even ran it by my best advisors and friends first to test for reasonableness. When you do that, you have no regrets later.

Lastly, and I have only used this with an employer to date, it is possible with some people to tell them that what you have to say is emotionally difficult for you, contains much detail, and that you know that if you just dialogue with them, that you may well lose your train of thought. You can tell them that you would like their permission to read them what you wrote, from beginning to end, with no interruptions from them, and that if they have something to say, please hold it until you are finished.

I had an emerging discrimination and harrassment issue going on with an employer. I had documented case after case of discriminatory behaviour towards me over a one year period, and I just described each one along with my reactions and the illegal and unproductive nature of what he did. It was a 12 page letter. It took about 10 minutes to read. When I was done he was speechless for a while, then apologized and said that I was right and I never had any problems with him again. In this case, had I actually GIVEN him the letter, he may well have used it against me in any number of ways. I refused to give it to him. In some cases, staying verbal but using an outline or a letter that you read to someone gives you the clarity of expression of a letter, the opportunity for feedback right away, but the lack of any tangible letter that could be used against you.

Your case may not warrant the letter-address approach I mentioned, but I thought that I would share it as it may help other people here as well. When it comes to employers and clients it is probably best to follow the "never write anything that you wouldn't want on the front page of the newspaper and/or dissected in a court of law" approach, but that only goes for written and sent; written and read to someone gives you a little more latitude.

Good luck Aden.

Belier
 
Belier,

Wise words. I have written many letters and sent them straight after. Quite often I would receive replies which ripped the s--t out of me. When reading the letters back some time later I can sometimes understand why. I write with my emotions at that time and I guess because they are often distorted and confused, it comes across that way to 'Normal People'and gets there backs up.
 
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