letter to people who aren't male survivors (TW)

[pedropedro]

It’s good to acknowledge all the women in your life who have been abused (or are currently experiencing abuse). But keep in mind: dependiing on the form of violence, every man in your life is just as likely to have gone through many of these same issues as well - sometimes even more likely. Making negative comments to or about men, our bodies, or our experiences, especially if you’ve noticed something makes other men uncomfortable, even if you’re trying to “help” us, only tells men in your life that if it happens to him (or has already), he’s not going to feel safe talking to you about it. This could range from having a “stress toy” shaped like male genitals all the way to “ironically” saying “kill all men”. It sends this message to every man you know. Could be an online contact who lives in a state, or even a country, you’ve never visited. Could be someone you went to high school with. Could be a man in your own family. Could even be your own significant other. This is extremely uncomfortable for men to have to admit in and of itself. But, to be honest, if this offends you it likely speaks to your own trauma. It also has something to do with having knowledge that goes against what “everyone knows”. However, an important part of it may also be your conscience. Everyone can change and be better.

 

[Celtaf]

Unfortunately, in the culture of people who are sympathetic to feminism, supporters of feminism, and feminist themselves, there is a tendency to view any talk of female abusers, or male victims, as a distraction from the main subject of helping women. There appears to be a belief that male concerns can only be addressed bookended by addressing female concerns. This is why you will often see articles referring to the subject of male survivors stating "Although most victims of abuse/rape are female..." I am aware that this is not true in every case, which is why I have used the word 'tendency'.

I appreciate you writing the letter, but I think that it is going to be a long time before our culture shifts to accept the idea that abuse and its victims are not one size fits all. Ironically, feminism initially had done this by observing characteristics of rape and abuse directed at women and girls did not always fit popular narratives. Even among people who wish to do good, there is a tendency to fail by showing preferences for particular kinds of people to whom one feels sympathy.

 

[pedropedro]

I still think a lot of it is their conscience - about how they have treated male survivors in the past, and some of them might even have to ask themselves if they themselves are rapists.

 

[Celtaf]

I still think a lot of it is their conscience - about how they have treated male survivors in the past, and some of them might even have to ask themselves if they themselves are rapists.

I think you give them too much credit. Many of them believe they are right.