Letter to parents (venting)

Letter to parents (venting)
Hauser

Hauser

Registrant
Where the fuck were you? I had come home numerous times after it happened and neither of you noticed any fucking change in me!? You know, dinner at the table wasnt just about feeding your kids, its about talking to them while youre eating and asking things like What did you do today? Who did you hang out with? What did you do over there? How are you? Apparently I need to teach you how to be parents.

Why did you guys even have kids? I dont give a shit that they dont come with an instruction manual; I want to know how it is that you thought I could just raise myself. I needed your fucking protection. I dont care that there wasnt any public awareness about the sexual abuse of boys back then. I deserved total commitment from both of you. I had a Thor for 10 years and I devoted my entire free time to HIM, not to myself, not to an education so that I could move away from someone that I agreed to have kids with, not to working on a house all night after working all day, I took better care of Thor than you guys did with me. Yes I blame my perps for what they did, but there is plenty of blame to go to you two as well.

Apparently it took 4 fucking years and manifestations of anger being vented towards a family dog to get you to realize that there was something wrong. Then, under duress of course, since the first time I tried to talk about it to Luke, he fucking laughed and made fun of me, I clamed up instead of talking to that therapist that you made me see because there was no fucking way I was going to talk about it again. I thought I would be able to blend into society when I got older, well thats not happening. Had I known that I would not be able to function as an adult and progress in life, I would have talked then. But I dont blame myself for that, I blame YOU.

My T does not speak very highly of you, and lately, neither do I. When I was coming out of 3rd grade and I dont remember either of you being available to talk to, or ever making it comfortable for me to approach you. I dont know if you guys know how this affected (I doubt Ill ever have the nerve to tell you) me but its crippled me. Fucking look at me! Yes Ive made bad choices but I dont blame myself, I blame you two for not being there when I needed you to look out for me. I needed you to NOT ASSUME THAT THE WORLD WAS SAFE FOR ME. Because you two blundered into having a family, I have to live with this. I have to live a nearly totally empty life because you guys sucked as parents. No offense intended, but Im sick of pretending that love makes up for these other failings. Clearly, it does not.

My grades started going downhill in 6th grade, long before you made me see that T when I was 14. Why did you guys let me just have shitty grades? Oh, its normal, his older brother Rick got shitty grades too. Huh??? What were you thinking when 6th grade was coming around for me and I was CLEARLY having trouble in school? Why did you guys do nothing then? Why? It makes no sense!

I never ever ever developed any skills in any area as I grew older, all I did was merely exist and try to enjoy what parts of life that I could. Didnt you see a bad pattern starting that I could not foresee? I didnt develop any mechanical skills, or clerical skills, or management skills, nothing!!! Oh Alan will just go to college and have a career just like us. Huh??? Where the hell did you get that idea? How the Hell was I going to do college with a 1.8gpa? Oh sure I could pass entrance exams to get into a university, but my study skills were woefully inadequate to get through college because YOU LET ME FAIL HIGH SCHOOL. Why?

I just got back from a potential employer about an internship, I was given a contact number and a name. I couldnt call it today. I was too upset. I was crying. I am too fucking pissed at you two to function in any capacity right now.
 
I just sent it to them, part of me hope it hurts them. I want them to accept their share of the blame.
 
Hauser,

I can feel your pain. I still have a ways to go to "let go" of the anger that I feel for my mother (notice I didn't say forgive) for not protecting me a little boy. I deserved to be loved and protected as a young boy. I'm slowly starting to realize that this anger I'm carrying around with me is not serving any positive purpose for me. I believe my mom is hurting too, but I am one that it's hurting the most. I'm trying to let it go. I hope that someday soon, I will be able to do that. I have that same wish for you.

God Bless,

Brian
 
Hauser - this is a very difficult post to respond to, and I hope I do it right. As I read it there are comparisons I make with my own situation growing up. When I read, my mind tells me what I think. When I start to respond, I only remember the bit that I am reading at the time.

What I write now, I write from my own experiences, and if I make excuses for my parents, then it is from the perspective I have of them, not the perspective you have of your parents, but it sounds like there are some similarities! Maybe I should do this next bit as a letter to my parents, from the perspective I see it from now! I've never ever written anything to my parents on this subject, and never got the chance to tell them. Thanks for giving me this opportunity to do so!

Mother/Father.. I don't know if you remember when I went to secondary school? In the first year, I was a grade A pupil that all the teacher's respected. I was Form Captain for a term, and milk monitor for the whole year (a rarity).

In the second year, I met someone that you never knew about!

I'd lost my new friends, because one of their old friends came to our school (Grammar) because he'd done quite well at the Secondary Modern. He was a year above us, but instead of making friends with all of us, he just caused trouble.

I took my dog for a walk (the one and only living, breathing thing that never let me down, apart from when he died when I was 19, whilst I was away on holiday)and met the perv. He seemed like a very nice man, just like my Granda B, Granda A and Uncles R & R. They used to take me for walks, taught me the names of all of the plants across the seasons. Showed me where we would most likely find wild animals. I really loved them when I was a kid. They used to give me sweets, other food and pocket money.

They lived in another town!

When I met the perv, he seemed just like them! He wasn't...he wanted something from me that he should never have taken...MY INNOCENCE, MY CHILDHOOD.

Once he'd done that, it took me a while to realise the reality of what had happened. I never knew how to tell you both, or either of you individually. I know he wouldn't be around now, if I had told either of you.

Do you know what I find hard to believe now? I blamed both of you! I blamed my brother, my sister! I blamed my other relatives when we visited them! I even thought that my paternal grandfather would abuse me when I visited him, for the last 3 years of his life - he wouldn't have ever! I blamed my teachers! I blamed anyone with an ounce of authority for not recognising the changes within me! I never told any of you what had happened. I was 12, my voice had changed, I was listening to loads of rock music. You didn't understand why I was changing, you just thought it was something to do with hormones (it was 1969... what knowledge would you have).

Not many people understood me over the years. I became a pisshead, joined a rock band and worked dead end jobs. I'd done pretty well at school, despite not trying. Remember, I could read the newspaper before I started school, then they asked me to read Janet and John books... that was the first time anything ever shocked me in my life - nothing much has shocked me since.

It wasn't until I was around 30 years, that I got my hair cut and started to use my brain again. People started to recognise that I had abilities. I worked with special needs adults for 5.5 years - people didn't understand how I had such affinity with them (they still recognise me now and shout my name when they see me in the street).

I did a few College Courses at this time, because my Manager told me I was wasting my talents... I realised that he was genuine and didn't want anything from me at all. He just wanted me to achieve what I was capable of. I thank him to this day for that. The Head Tutor on one of the courses (Continuing Certificate in Professional Development / Special Needs)asked me to go back into college the next year and explain to the students 'how I had tackled the assignments'.

I couldn't understand what these people were seeing in me! What I really couldn't understand was that: 'they didn't seem to want anything in return'. I waited and waited to see what the cath was, but when the courses were over, they only gave me praise for my achievements.

That stirred something in my subconscious and I slowly started to believe in myself again.

Next I got a really good job in a new state of the art technological company - I couldn't believe it was me talking in the interview! I sounded so confident. I progressed fairly rapidly by keeping my head down and getting on with the job. Others were desperate for promotion, yet I achieved it by trying to avoid it (I was told to apply for jobs & thought that it was just a piss take, until I actually got them).

The company closed (international markets), but I got another decent job within a reasonable time frame. I remember turning up for that interview and thinking that everyone else looked better, sounded better, must be better, then I got the job!!?? I didn't understand, because I had such a low opinion of myself.

That factory eventually closed (no I'm not a Jonah), mainly due to some very adventurous accounting.

I applied for another decent job, got it and am there still after over 4 years. I don't understand exactly how? During that time I have had a major breakdown, but was supported by my Manager. Told my 3 best friends what happened to me as a child. Told the police. Told my Sister. Told my friend since childhood and his wife. Told many others. Made a statement. Been to court and achieved a conviction. Complained to all of the officials involved, and so the story continues!

I'm still not totally right in my head, but Mother, Father - I love you both! Something I never told either of you when you were alive. I hope somehow you understand now!

Like I said at the start, I blamed everyone for what happened, mostly myself.

The only person I never blamed was the person that was responsible... the paedophile that tried to take the place in my mind of my grandfathers and uncles. The person that groomed me, attained my trust, then totally betrayed me by sexually abusing my 12 year old body.

Mother, Father - I know that neither of you would have ever done that to me, and I forgive you for something you were never guilty of,... betraying me. Father - when there was no transport available, you would walk the 10 miles to work on a Sunday, and the same distance back home, just to put food on the table. Mother - you would go to work, always make sure the house was a warm inviting place where any of our friends were welcome (many of our childhood friends turned up at both of your funerals, because they remember how they were welcome in our home). You allowed us to play records really loud (even though it drove you up the wall). Mother - you would feed anyone even if it meant not feeding yourself, or halfing your share with someone. Everyone else was more important than either of you. I think that is something I learned from both of you, that if you make someone else happy, it can make you happy too.

Father / dad (you have to say Father with a Durham accent to make it sound right, I'm not 'posh') - I remember just as I was starting to use my brain and develop a career (something of which you were immensely proud), you developed Alzeihmers. One of the things I specifically remember (you said and did many funny things that helped us cope, not that the following comment has any humour attached) is when you started remembering WW2 (even though you didn't seem to remember much else) - you mentioned being in the tanks, and using flame-throwers. It upset you very much, because they were someone else's sons! I believe that when you started mentioning this hurt, it triggered memories of something that I had also tried to keep buried in my mind. That's when my mind started to become over-active again. Very gradually, the poison made it to the tip of my tongue, and I told for the first time around 11 years later!

Mother - you died of the most horrendous illness, and I'll never understand why! I never knew you to turn away anyone that needed help (and you helped many). For you to suffer from lung, then liver cancer, when you neither smoked nor drank (apart from the odd glass of wine that I gave you) simply wasn't fair!

So to both my parents, there was a time that I blamed you both for your ignorance, but it wasn't your fault. It wasn't any of my teacher's faults. It wasn't any of my relatives faults.

There was only one person to blame.

James Fowler, that was convicted in Durham Crown Court this year! James Fowler that was sentenced on 17th March this year. The rest of us were players in the scenario...no blame for us!

Best wishes ...Rik

*Sorry - I couldn't say this in less words!
 
That is touching Rik. However, I have a problem with your scenerio. Let me step back and tell of another shorter story.

I was friends with a high school buddy who had a neighbor that was 18. His neighbor perped a 6yo boy. Brief background on the 6yo boy. (his name was Harley) Harley lived in a broken home, single mom, the mom smoked weed and drank alcohol daily. Not a very stable environment huh? BUT HARLEY TOLD on his perp!!! He went stright to his mom and mom colled the cops and that fucking perp went to jail and the boy is not trapped in silence.

Question for you guys:

1. Why is it that Harley, who came from a classic broken/drug ridden home, tell on his perp?

Answer: Because his Mom spent time with him and made Harley feel comfortable about talking to her about anything that's why. (she didn't work, she was also deaf and on dissability, hence, she was always home and available.)
 
Hauser - that's it really! It doesn't really matter what our backgrounds are, it can happen to anyone!

There are so many different scenarios. It took me decades to replay everything in my head until I could get to a stage where i could do something about it.

If none of us had been abused, then we would all probably be as ignorant as the general public on what damage can be done! If anyone has not experienced it, then they simply don't understand. They may want to, but simply cannot.

What we have got to remember is that no matter who else we can blame, there is only the perv that fully deserves that blame! We may put some of that blame on others, but whatever we do, we must not blame ourselves...that was the bit I always found most difficult (and still do).

Best wishes ...Rik
 
I see what you're saying Rik, but if my parents were there for me the way I was always available for a MERE DOG, I most likely would not have trapped myself in a world of self-loathing, self-defeat, and festering silence for all these years.

I may be generalizing, and you're only hearing one side of my families story, but I think they could have done way better as parents. If you're not going to be there 100% for your kids, don't fucking have any.
 
does it really matter if they are to blame? if thats how you feel then thats truth for you.so yes they are to blame .i think its good that you found the strength to tell them how you feel about what happened ,the healing is in the telling i think ,not in any response they might have.and your not blamming yourself anymore ,thats very cool.only you know how you ended up in the hands of some animal,and only you know what could have prevented it. if you compare your family to mine it seems like night and day but we cant compare our families cause we needed different things from them . if you blame them then its good ,cause your not blamming yourself.
 
This thread has gotten a bit complicated! All I would like to add to it is that at one level it doesn't matter whether the parents are or are not to blame. If you FEEL they failed you, then THAT right there makes it an issue. It need to be looked at, and yep, probably a lot of flames have to be vented.

That's just the way it is. The reality of what happened and how will come later, but first some deep-seated anger has to be released.

Much love,
Larry
 
Nothing exciting about the reply, but here it is from my Dad:

__________________________________________________
After giving some thought to your message, i decided not to attempt answers to your questions. In most cases the answers are obvious, we were inadequate parents and you were closed off so you couldn't ask for help.

The past is done. The problem now is to go on in whatever ways there are that works for you. Your
personality has been developed in a way that doesn't function well in a wider world. The question now is how can you overcome the mistakes of the past.

Be gentle with yourself. We all carry demons to be thrown out. Would face-to-face work better than indirect emails?

You have my deepest apologies for failing you in ways that I didn't know at the time. Things don't stay the same. Your feelings today will not necessarily be the same as your feelings a month from now.

Hugs, Dad
__________________________________________________


So. That's it. Move forward I shall. But.......I feel empty. Oh well. Oh, and Mom isn't replying, she wanted to talk verbally, but I didn't really feel like talking to either of them. I will in time, just not right now, I need to cool off first.
 
One thing we can all have is a future, despite our past.

Mine is without parents because they are dead and gone (they did their best).

Biological families are something we inherit - we don't have to keep them.

Hauser - you know your situation. If your parents are toxic, you don't have to take that toxin! You have a choice!

Larry - it's not really a complicated post (without being disrespective). Hauser has a situation that He understands / I have a situation that I understand! I respect what Hauser has to say about his situation - my post was simply to reflect that I could blame my parents (or many others), but don't any more. Hauser feel's that his parents are to blame and states that very clearly - I don't doubt his statement one bit!

We are but 2 colours within the spectrum!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
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