Letter to my parents - possible trigger
thetraveller
Registrant
My therapist advised me to write a letter to my parents to help release some of the anger I have inside.
Hope you don't mind me sharing it with you
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
Dear mum and Dad
Well I have been in therapy for about 3 months now, although you know nothing about this- just like you know nothing about most of my life....... Why am I in therapy, guess im just some kind of fucking pussy or maybe just a fucking mummies boy eh dad?
Well fuck you CUNT, Im no pussy or mummies boy Im emotionally scarred from my fucking shit, abusive childhoodthanks for that, I really appreciate it. Its made my adult life a fucking nightmare of being arrested so many times (again you wont know the half of it) I got a substance abuse problem going back about 15 years now which has had such a negative impact on my life, I cant sleep at night because of nightmares and I cant hold down a job because I dont give a fuck about having one and basically Im in a fucking deep dark place and I cant pull myself out. I hate myself, my body and I struggle to have or sustain intimate relationships. I cant trust people because my experiences have shown me what evil fucking cunts people can be if you let them get close enough to you.
Dad why did you not give a fuck about me when I was growing up? You think I cant remember you coming home drunk falling around, throwing up shouting and swearing at mum. You even killed our cat by shooting it in the head because mum gave it your dinner coz you were down the pub pissed. You CUNT. I adored you as only a son can look upto and love his father but you were not worthy of my love. You threw it back in my face and made it clear that you did not love or want me or my sister. You told me in your own words that you would have liked to have just left us all and fucked off on your own. Why? I was a kid, what the hell did I do apart from be born into a fucked up relationship with two fucked up people who never really wanted me How do you think it feels for a boy to know that his father doesnt love him? Wants to abonden him? Fucking shit is how.
So know what? Your 55 now and you want to be my dad? fuck off, I dont need you, you NEED me and again you can FUCK OFF. You only want to spend time with us because you and mum are divorced and you have no-one else. Why the hell do I want to spend any of my time with you? I dont love you, I dont enjoy your company so no, who the fuck do you think you are? I needed a dad when I was growing up for emotional support and guidance not now. Im 30 years old, I can look after myself and I have little to no interest in having you as part of my life. You didnt want me when I needed you so FUCK OFF and I hope you can taste the pain of lonliness and rejection. Hurts at 55 eh? Imagine how much it hurts when your 5
Mum, what the fuck is wrong with you. Why would you tell your little boy how you were repeatadly raped by your father? Do you not think that there are somethings children do not need to know? Talk about corupting innocence and making the world seem like a dark,dangerous and evil place to be. Why? If you needed to talk about it go see a shrink dont fuck up your childrens heads by telling them of the horrific sexually abuse that you suffered as a little girl. I feel for you I really do, but that sort of thing is hard enough for an adult to deal with let alone a little boy. What did you hope to achieve? I cant begin to imagine how hard it must be to be in your head dealing with such horrific abuse but you should get professional help. I know that because of your abuse your traumatised its not until I grew up a bit I realised the full implicaions of what you went through. You made me and my sister hate our uncle Jim as you told us he was a peado and kept trying to touch you up all the time. I didnt even know what this meant properly at the time but again WHY tell you kids this? Even if it is true, which I really doubt, children deserve to be protected and have their innocence preserved as long as possible as that is what makes being a child so magical. Not having to deal with the harsh reality of your mum being raped by your grandad for fucks sake
Now to the real heart of the matter. Why the fuck did you come into my room that night? Forcing yourself on top of me, I can still feel the weight of pressing down on me, unable to move trapped in my bed with you on top of me. Your breath as you tried to force your tongue into my mouth, why why why? I can still see your face as you stood in the doorway of my room looking down at me. Sneering at me, making me feel like a fucking piece of shit. The you just turned your back and left..
How could you? Sure what you did to me was nothing compared to the abuse you endured but it has still fucked my head up.
Why did you pull my pants down and laugh at my genatils when I had just started puberty. Laughing at the changes I was going through. Why? What the fuck is wrong with you? How badly do you think something like that is going to effect someone? No wonder I have such a poor boby image and no self worth. What is with keep on telling me that Im just like him (meaning my sick fucking peado grandad). That I have his hands. Did you think that I was him re-incarnated or something? Did you have to take out all the hatred and anger you had for him on me? Fuck its hard to understand this shit or make sense of it. But I have to or Im going to go mad or go to jail if I dont do some serious mental adjusments. Youve made me feel like Im a dirty little peado too, that Im some kind of sex pervert waiting to happen, that Im really evil inside and you were trying to make sure I didnt abuse anyone the way you were. Its so fucked up and I cant believe its taken me all these years of carrying my dirty little secret around with me to realise that my childhood experiences arent normal and to aknowledge how much these experiences have affected my mental state and in doing so, my life. This little ball of evil blackness that lives inside me is slowly poisioning me, taiting every part of my thoughts and my actions, slowly spreading through me like a cancer
I cant cope anymore. I have to confront this. I can no longer push these thoughts away and hide them deep inside. They wont stay shut away anymore. They keep pushing themselves into my concious thoughts and I cant keep them at bay. Its like a dam that is about to burst, I can keep on throwing on sandbags but for everey leak I stop another two appear. Iam fighting a losing battle. I need to make myself ready for the dam to burst because its coming, I can feel it. I only hope I have the strenght to deal with it all when it happens becaue I am terrified. I dont know how or if I can cope but I have to try. I need to face it to move on. I hope I can drag my dirty little secret into the light and look it full in the faceThen maybe in the light of day it wont look so scary and I can find some kind of inner peace. I really hope so.
Thank you for listening
I'm not sure if this has helped as i fell a bit uppset having just written it. Hopefully it will provide some relief.
Hope you don't mind me sharing it with you
POSSIBLE TRIGGER
Dear mum and Dad
Well I have been in therapy for about 3 months now, although you know nothing about this- just like you know nothing about most of my life....... Why am I in therapy, guess im just some kind of fucking pussy or maybe just a fucking mummies boy eh dad?
Well fuck you CUNT, Im no pussy or mummies boy Im emotionally scarred from my fucking shit, abusive childhoodthanks for that, I really appreciate it. Its made my adult life a fucking nightmare of being arrested so many times (again you wont know the half of it) I got a substance abuse problem going back about 15 years now which has had such a negative impact on my life, I cant sleep at night because of nightmares and I cant hold down a job because I dont give a fuck about having one and basically Im in a fucking deep dark place and I cant pull myself out. I hate myself, my body and I struggle to have or sustain intimate relationships. I cant trust people because my experiences have shown me what evil fucking cunts people can be if you let them get close enough to you.
Dad why did you not give a fuck about me when I was growing up? You think I cant remember you coming home drunk falling around, throwing up shouting and swearing at mum. You even killed our cat by shooting it in the head because mum gave it your dinner coz you were down the pub pissed. You CUNT. I adored you as only a son can look upto and love his father but you were not worthy of my love. You threw it back in my face and made it clear that you did not love or want me or my sister. You told me in your own words that you would have liked to have just left us all and fucked off on your own. Why? I was a kid, what the hell did I do apart from be born into a fucked up relationship with two fucked up people who never really wanted me How do you think it feels for a boy to know that his father doesnt love him? Wants to abonden him? Fucking shit is how.
So know what? Your 55 now and you want to be my dad? fuck off, I dont need you, you NEED me and again you can FUCK OFF. You only want to spend time with us because you and mum are divorced and you have no-one else. Why the hell do I want to spend any of my time with you? I dont love you, I dont enjoy your company so no, who the fuck do you think you are? I needed a dad when I was growing up for emotional support and guidance not now. Im 30 years old, I can look after myself and I have little to no interest in having you as part of my life. You didnt want me when I needed you so FUCK OFF and I hope you can taste the pain of lonliness and rejection. Hurts at 55 eh? Imagine how much it hurts when your 5
Mum, what the fuck is wrong with you. Why would you tell your little boy how you were repeatadly raped by your father? Do you not think that there are somethings children do not need to know? Talk about corupting innocence and making the world seem like a dark,dangerous and evil place to be. Why? If you needed to talk about it go see a shrink dont fuck up your childrens heads by telling them of the horrific sexually abuse that you suffered as a little girl. I feel for you I really do, but that sort of thing is hard enough for an adult to deal with let alone a little boy. What did you hope to achieve? I cant begin to imagine how hard it must be to be in your head dealing with such horrific abuse but you should get professional help. I know that because of your abuse your traumatised its not until I grew up a bit I realised the full implicaions of what you went through. You made me and my sister hate our uncle Jim as you told us he was a peado and kept trying to touch you up all the time. I didnt even know what this meant properly at the time but again WHY tell you kids this? Even if it is true, which I really doubt, children deserve to be protected and have their innocence preserved as long as possible as that is what makes being a child so magical. Not having to deal with the harsh reality of your mum being raped by your grandad for fucks sake
Now to the real heart of the matter. Why the fuck did you come into my room that night? Forcing yourself on top of me, I can still feel the weight of pressing down on me, unable to move trapped in my bed with you on top of me. Your breath as you tried to force your tongue into my mouth, why why why? I can still see your face as you stood in the doorway of my room looking down at me. Sneering at me, making me feel like a fucking piece of shit. The you just turned your back and left..
How could you? Sure what you did to me was nothing compared to the abuse you endured but it has still fucked my head up.
Why did you pull my pants down and laugh at my genatils when I had just started puberty. Laughing at the changes I was going through. Why? What the fuck is wrong with you? How badly do you think something like that is going to effect someone? No wonder I have such a poor boby image and no self worth. What is with keep on telling me that Im just like him (meaning my sick fucking peado grandad). That I have his hands. Did you think that I was him re-incarnated or something? Did you have to take out all the hatred and anger you had for him on me? Fuck its hard to understand this shit or make sense of it. But I have to or Im going to go mad or go to jail if I dont do some serious mental adjusments. Youve made me feel like Im a dirty little peado too, that Im some kind of sex pervert waiting to happen, that Im really evil inside and you were trying to make sure I didnt abuse anyone the way you were. Its so fucked up and I cant believe its taken me all these years of carrying my dirty little secret around with me to realise that my childhood experiences arent normal and to aknowledge how much these experiences have affected my mental state and in doing so, my life. This little ball of evil blackness that lives inside me is slowly poisioning me, taiting every part of my thoughts and my actions, slowly spreading through me like a cancer
I cant cope anymore. I have to confront this. I can no longer push these thoughts away and hide them deep inside. They wont stay shut away anymore. They keep pushing themselves into my concious thoughts and I cant keep them at bay. Its like a dam that is about to burst, I can keep on throwing on sandbags but for everey leak I stop another two appear. Iam fighting a losing battle. I need to make myself ready for the dam to burst because its coming, I can feel it. I only hope I have the strenght to deal with it all when it happens becaue I am terrified. I dont know how or if I can cope but I have to try. I need to face it to move on. I hope I can drag my dirty little secret into the light and look it full in the faceThen maybe in the light of day it wont look so scary and I can find some kind of inner peace. I really hope so.
Thank you for listening
I'm not sure if this has helped as i fell a bit uppset having just written it. Hopefully it will provide some relief.
