Letter to my parents.Is this the right or wrong way to go about it?

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Letter to my parents.Is this the right or wrong way to go about it?
G

gs

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This is a letter I have written to my parents to hopefully try and explain to them why I am who I am.
I don't know if this is a good or bad idea, but I just don't know how to find the words to tell them face to face.

Your opinions would be appreciated.


To Mum And Dad
I am writing this to explain to you and to try and help you understand how I have become what I am today and why.
I have been trying to tell you for a while but after 20 years of living in denial and being confused and scared about who or what I am I did not know how to say it.

I have tried to sweep all of this under the carpet for 20 years in the hope it would go away.
It hasnt gone away but in fact it has snowballed and it has caused me a lot of hurt and confusion.
Over time my memory of details has become fairly patchy but it I can never forget.
Unfortunately my past is a part of me and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Please dont ask for any details(names etc) at the moment. It is hard enough for me to talk about this now.

I cant remember how it started or with who exactly, but a couple of classmates and I used to do what I came to believe was normal healthy experimentation between young boys when I was around 11 or 12. I cant remember exactly.
Another boy in the neighbourhood also took advantage of me. He was a couple of years older than me.
Although I felt uncomfortable and strange about it I came to believe that what we were doing was quite normal behaviour as I didnt know any better.
I didnt think it was sexual abuse because we were the same age, and I have believed that for 20 years
It wasnt till recently when I was talking with K that she made me realize what sort of impact this abuse has had on my life and goes along way to explain a lot of the things I have done. I knew it had affected me but I didnt realize just how much.
Until talking with K I didnt think of it as abuse as they were my age and there was no violence or threats that I can remember.
I have grown up feeling like I was strange and I didnt belong anywhere, and convinced myself that people knew what I had done or that they would find out and I would become a social outcast. I didnt give them the chance and tried to do it myself.
I felt like I was being judged by everyone because of what had happened and I became very self conscious , paranoid and withdrawn.
I have never been able to be completely relaxed and have fun in social situations for fear of what people will think about me, and I cant control that if I let go and throw caution to the wind without caring what people think.
I have punished myself for what I believed was my fault which I actually had no control over.
I have always been confused an unsure about a lot of things.
I have always been very defensive and always tried to back away from anyone trying to get close to me.
I would always hide at the back or in the crowd and hope I wouldnt get noticed.
I have always had a dislike for anyone in authority.
I have tried my hardest to bottle up all my emotions and not tell anyone for 20years
I have always been scared of being trapped or confined and I hate not being in control.
I have always been confused about if I am gay or straight, and I can say quite honestly that I AM NOT GAY(Im sure you were wondering)
I have always felt guilty about living a lie and hiding my dirty little secrets.
I am never going to be truly happy and successful unless I deal with this as it wont just go away as Id hoped.
I have never been able to get close to a woman for fear that she might think I am gay or find out my shameful past.
Every failed attempt to get a girlfriend made me more convinced there was something wrong with me and my already low self esteem and lack of confidence got worse.
The longer I lived trapped behind my defensive walls the harder it has become to meet someone and to let them in.
Smoking pot became a way for me to try and escape myself. It didnt work.
I have never been a big drinker because if I cant drive myself home I feel trapped and not in control
K helped me to realize that although I have done pretty well to get to were I am today on my own these issues are holding me back from being truly happy and that was the motivation to do something about them.
Telling you is one of the hardest and scariest things I have ever had to do as I am not sure what your reaction will be, but I feel like I have to do it.I dont know how to just start a conversation about it so I decided to write it down.
I appreciate all that you have done for me in my life even though I havent shown it, and that you have stood by me through all the shitty things I have done and I just hope that this might start to explain a few things about me and hopefully help you to understand and know me better.
Im not trying to make excuses for the things I have done but trying to let you know the reasons why.
I cant remember the last time I said it to you and I know I havent shown it but I love you both and I am sorry for all the hurt I have caused you and grateful for everything you have done for me.
I hope we can put all this behind us so I can get back the parents that I shut out all those years ago.

Your favourite son(hopefully)
GS
 
gs,

A lovely letter. I might suggest that you put some of the material from the latter part of the letter up front...about how important they are to you...for fear that they may not get that far for wondering whether or not you were giving them the kiss off.
It might be just a difference of styles and you don't have to change a thing, but you might think about it.
Good job, good luck...let us know how they react.
I can't imagine that it won't be with anything less than a reafffirmation of their love for you.

David
 
Well I have dropped the letter off to my parents.They were not home and I don't know what time they will be home.I am realy scared now.I don't know if I should ring them or wait for them to ring me.
Once I get some healing underway I am going skydiving for the first time.It can't be as scary as this shit is now.
 
gs,

I want to thank you very much for your courage. Because of you, I made a call to my dad and told him what happened to me. He was very supportive and encouraging about it. I thank you again for giving me the courage to call my parents and tell them.

Sincerely, and best of luck to you,
Jon
 
P.S. skydiving is really fun! I went once also...I hope you enjoy it as I did. It was a bit scary but wasn't that bad...the best part is when the chute opens up, and you are gliding down...take a minute just to look all around you and the beauty of what you see. There is nothing else like it in the world.

Jon
 
GS, you sure did get a load of shit off your chest in that letter.

I just hope the response is positive, and brings you all so much closer together, as it was always meant to be.

Just telling them how much you love them, and the hurt you have carried for so long, should really bring you closer to them,

Sky diving can't be that hard, the thrill must be great. Go for it, :D

ste
 
gs,

I hope all works out.

As far as skydiving goes, it's a blast. I joined the skydiving club in college. The motto was "Chute first, ask questions later", not sure that's the best motto. The jump master (Sonny) also had a saying, "If the check bounces so do you". All in jest. I never got past the tethered stage, that's where the rip cord is attached to the air plane and it pulls it when about 20' or so out from the plane. This plane was also set up where you climbed out onto a handle that was attached to the wing strut, that way you were already in the perfect formation for the chute opening.

It was a blast, the natural rush lasts for days. The canapy ride is wonderful, very peaceful. And all this from a person that is extremely afraid of hieghts, which is one of the reasons I did it - to face the fear head on.

Best wishes,
Bill
 
Well I've done it.I've been and talked to my parents.The whole visit was a little awkward and I didn't really say much but they were really supportive .I had real trouble being able to look them in the eyes.
It is a huge load off my mind just to have the reassurance that they are really there in support.I was sure they would be but now I know for sure.
Th only problem is now that theyknow that I want a girlfreind and why I have always been single they are telling me I should just go out and start looking for a girlfreind, before I get to old.
I know they are only trying to be supportive about something they know very little about.

The problem is I've got to learn to walk before I can run.Hopefully they will find out a bit more about the effects .I would also imagine it came as quite a shock to them .
It must have been the best thing to do as I am probably the happiest I have been for a few weeks.
 
GS, Hey you did it, and it worked, what a weight to get off your shoulders.

I guessed that they would tell you to go out and get a girlfriend, they really don't know the effects though, and you can't really blame them.

Oh well, it can only get better for you,

ste
 
GS
I bet there's some pretty girls at the skydiving club ;) What woman can resist a daredevil man :D

That letter was a huge measure of your self confidence, you're getting it back from your abusers who stole it from you. And that's a wonderful feeling.

Don't worry about your about your parents 'simplistic' response, they have had a bombshell dropped into their lives and it will take a while for them to figure it out.

Dave
 
Congratulations on a huge and difficult step... Just as you were unsure exactly what to say or when to say it, your parents are also unsure how to respond and "be there" for you...

Their telling you to go look for a girlfriend is likely their way of showing their love and support, and less that they are worried about you having a girlfriend...

They too have started a journey they did not know was in front of them, and will have to learn on their own and from you how to help you and how to be the parents you need them to be...

Congratulations again, and all my best.
Brent.
 
Thank you for sharing all of this with us, gs. I have been thinking about writing to my brother (and abuser) and to my father, but haven't got the courage to do it yet. Your letter gave me some inspiration.

It's great to know that your parents responded positively. I am very happy for you!
 
gs,

Congratulations! Your relationship with your parents will only deepen as they realize what you've been up against.
You deserve the best of friends, be they men or women. I think Dave has a point in meeting someone where you enjoy being, whether it be bird watching or bird being.
Happy Landings!

David
 
Thanks so much for all your words of wisdom and encouragement.It is indeed a huge weight off my shoulders but it is also a very scary and uncertain time in my life.One thing I have learned over the last few years is that if I want to acheive something I need to not just get out of, but to take a running jump out of my comfort zone.I think the idea is to jump far enough that I can't just crawl back if I want to.Thats what I have done now and I am glad I did.

A toast
To a happier and fullfilling life ahead.
Cheers everyone

GS
 
Hi GS,

Your letter is very caring and inspiring. It is good to hear that your parents came to honor you and be supportive of you.

One thing I picked up that you might want to move away from in your head is that you several times talked about shameful things you have done. There may indeed be some of these--most everyone I know can tell of some things that they feel shame about--hopefully, healthy shame.

But as far as the things you did and had done to you by your peers, there is no shame in that. Whether these guys were pedophiels of one sort or another, they took advantage of what was really your innocence and your trust that they would not do something that was illegal or immoral.

Experimentation is one thing. But manipulating a boy to be sexual is quite another. We were most all of us "snookered" into doing things that we now would vehemently reject.

If there is a reason why you need to feel guilty--such as to empower your work at making change, well okay. But please do not go through the rest of your life with feelings of shame. Acknowledge them, name them, claim them get rid of them. That can take years--but the sooner you interrupt negative thinking and recognise the lies in it, the sooner you will feel a great deal of freedom.

You are a really loving son--you parents are lucky to have had you.

Bob
 
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