Letter to my mother
I wanted to share this here, as I know it is something very personal of me, I can not be objective of it. So, if anyone can give me advice on it, if it is too harsh or such, please, can you tell me? I wish to send this soon, but I want it to be right.
Leosha
Mom,
I am sorry that this is difficult to you. I wish I do not have to make that happen. I do love you. I am your son, I am your child. I do not wish to cause you hurt or pain, I do not wish to be accusing or hateful of you or even of father. You were here mom, you know what is happening, some.
You tell me that I make this hard for you. I am sorry of that. But do you understand, that you make this hard at me? And that you help make life hard at me, by staying with father for so long, by letting him do what he does at us. All those years, you make it hard at me, and then, I am child, I can not deal of it as well as you can now. You are grownup, you can deal of things, of hurts, of stress and of memories and history of past. Yes, I am grown up now also. But what I deal of now, the history I try deal of now, it is of childhood, and you are part of that. I am sorry that I maybe let my anger out at you sometime. I know that you do not deserve that anger, at least most time you do not. I am trusting that you are my mom, that I am your child, and that you love me enough to tolerate the anger I may give.
I know that it brings up memories to you also, when I call you or write you, to ask of somethings I remember or think of. I am sorry of that, I do not want to have to make you live through bad things again. Can you believe me though, that I do not do this in deliberate attempt to harm you? But mom, I need to know what is real in my head, and what is maybe from bad dreams, bad thoughts. Thank you so much to help me with that, to help me know more what is true and what is just fears.
I know that you had difficulty of your own in childhood. Please know, it is not that I discount that at all, that I do not wish that you did not have your own memories and history to deal of. I am sorry of that. And I am glad that gran and granpy were good parents of you. It is not that I wish you had more difficulties. Please though, please do understand that right now, I am needing to deal of my issues, before I can be any good to deal of any others, or to be the son you deserve.
I wish that I can understand more, more of why you stay with him, and how you do not see what he does that is such bad. I know that you are smart, and that you are good mom, you are mom who loves, and that you know what he does is wrong for child, for anyone. And after you lose one son to him, I do not at all understand how you stay? I know that you feared of him, as I did, as Makar did, as gran did. But I would always think that fear will make you leave him, not to stay and let him do what he does at us. I am not making this to sound as you are bad person, or bad mom. I just can not understand it so much. He kill your child. I know that you do not like to think of that, I know that it hurts you to remember him. But it is only now, only this year that I can remember of him, all this time, and I do not wish to lose that again. Can you understand me on this?
He steal so much of my life mommy. He steal so much of my brain, of my body. He put so much fear and bad thoughts in my head, I almost die because of what he and M make me think of myself. So, not only does he kill me, my brain and my soul, then. He almost get me to kill my body now, all these years later. And, you did stay with him. Even seeing what he do to me, do to Makar, you choose to stay with him. So I have to worry, sometime, that I am not so important to you.
There is something I need say at you. And something I need to hear of you. What you do to me, the touching me as you did, Mom, that was wrong. No, you did not cause physical hurt or pain, you did not cause bleeding or such. But that was wrong touch, it was going against my boundaries, and you know that to be true. I need you to admit that. Not that you meant to hurt me, I do not think that you did. But I need you to admit that what you did was wrong. If you can not do that for me, then perhaps it will be best that you do not have a son at all no more. What you did to me, to confuse my body and brain so much more, you betrayed me more then anyone else. Because I loved and trusted you to be right to me.
You say I disappoint you with my decision now, that I am being selfish to not think of how it affects you and the rest of the family. I am sorry to let you down, or be disappointment of you. I know that I will not be making the same money I might if I had chosen otherwise. But my physical and mental health can not deal with it no more, and I need to do something that is easier to me. If that is something quite offensive at you, then again, perhaps you will be better without a son at all.
I need your response to this, Mom, however it will be. I think that I deserve that respect from you. Perhaps you feel differently of it. To have you not respond at me, I suppose in some way, that will also tell me how you feel. I do mean this Mom. I do love you, and want to continue to have you in my life, and want our relationship to be good, better then it is now. But I need it to be honest also. I am sorry if it is selfish of me to put my needs here as this. But on this, I can not back away of it. These are needs I must have met, or can not continue in relationship with you. Please take your time, and respond as you truly and honestly feel.
Leosha
Mom,
I am sorry that this is difficult to you. I wish I do not have to make that happen. I do love you. I am your son, I am your child. I do not wish to cause you hurt or pain, I do not wish to be accusing or hateful of you or even of father. You were here mom, you know what is happening, some.
You tell me that I make this hard for you. I am sorry of that. But do you understand, that you make this hard at me? And that you help make life hard at me, by staying with father for so long, by letting him do what he does at us. All those years, you make it hard at me, and then, I am child, I can not deal of it as well as you can now. You are grownup, you can deal of things, of hurts, of stress and of memories and history of past. Yes, I am grown up now also. But what I deal of now, the history I try deal of now, it is of childhood, and you are part of that. I am sorry that I maybe let my anger out at you sometime. I know that you do not deserve that anger, at least most time you do not. I am trusting that you are my mom, that I am your child, and that you love me enough to tolerate the anger I may give.
I know that it brings up memories to you also, when I call you or write you, to ask of somethings I remember or think of. I am sorry of that, I do not want to have to make you live through bad things again. Can you believe me though, that I do not do this in deliberate attempt to harm you? But mom, I need to know what is real in my head, and what is maybe from bad dreams, bad thoughts. Thank you so much to help me with that, to help me know more what is true and what is just fears.
I know that you had difficulty of your own in childhood. Please know, it is not that I discount that at all, that I do not wish that you did not have your own memories and history to deal of. I am sorry of that. And I am glad that gran and granpy were good parents of you. It is not that I wish you had more difficulties. Please though, please do understand that right now, I am needing to deal of my issues, before I can be any good to deal of any others, or to be the son you deserve.
I wish that I can understand more, more of why you stay with him, and how you do not see what he does that is such bad. I know that you are smart, and that you are good mom, you are mom who loves, and that you know what he does is wrong for child, for anyone. And after you lose one son to him, I do not at all understand how you stay? I know that you feared of him, as I did, as Makar did, as gran did. But I would always think that fear will make you leave him, not to stay and let him do what he does at us. I am not making this to sound as you are bad person, or bad mom. I just can not understand it so much. He kill your child. I know that you do not like to think of that, I know that it hurts you to remember him. But it is only now, only this year that I can remember of him, all this time, and I do not wish to lose that again. Can you understand me on this?
He steal so much of my life mommy. He steal so much of my brain, of my body. He put so much fear and bad thoughts in my head, I almost die because of what he and M make me think of myself. So, not only does he kill me, my brain and my soul, then. He almost get me to kill my body now, all these years later. And, you did stay with him. Even seeing what he do to me, do to Makar, you choose to stay with him. So I have to worry, sometime, that I am not so important to you.
There is something I need say at you. And something I need to hear of you. What you do to me, the touching me as you did, Mom, that was wrong. No, you did not cause physical hurt or pain, you did not cause bleeding or such. But that was wrong touch, it was going against my boundaries, and you know that to be true. I need you to admit that. Not that you meant to hurt me, I do not think that you did. But I need you to admit that what you did was wrong. If you can not do that for me, then perhaps it will be best that you do not have a son at all no more. What you did to me, to confuse my body and brain so much more, you betrayed me more then anyone else. Because I loved and trusted you to be right to me.
You say I disappoint you with my decision now, that I am being selfish to not think of how it affects you and the rest of the family. I am sorry to let you down, or be disappointment of you. I know that I will not be making the same money I might if I had chosen otherwise. But my physical and mental health can not deal with it no more, and I need to do something that is easier to me. If that is something quite offensive at you, then again, perhaps you will be better without a son at all.
I need your response to this, Mom, however it will be. I think that I deserve that respect from you. Perhaps you feel differently of it. To have you not respond at me, I suppose in some way, that will also tell me how you feel. I do mean this Mom. I do love you, and want to continue to have you in my life, and want our relationship to be good, better then it is now. But I need it to be honest also. I am sorry if it is selfish of me to put my needs here as this. But on this, I can not back away of it. These are needs I must have met, or can not continue in relationship with you. Please take your time, and respond as you truly and honestly feel.
