letter to my dad

letter to my dad
S

shadowkid

WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shado
i i should call you ray cause dad just dont fit you does it? i am writing this for two reasons,first i am asking you to please leave me alone,i got nothing from you for ten years ,and only shit before that . now you seem to see that i am healing from the life you gave me and you want to torment me by blamming me for jimmy's death.the guilt and abuse that you sentenced me to is the other reason i'm writing .i wonder did you know that to me you were my hero?even when you called me names like guess mama's boy or wussy boy?it took a long time and help from my brother to see you for what you really were,i found another hero ,it's sad that my 14 year old brother was more of a dad to me than you ever were,it wasn't his job but he took it anyway,when you made me feel like shit ,which was just about everyday,jimmy made it allright ,it was his shoulder that i cried on because you just couldn't love me,why daddy, why didnt you love me? yes i understand that you lost your star player your way of being more than just a no body ,you wanted to live through jimmy you didnt care how he felt did you? he hated having to be the best at everything ,he knew if he wasn't you would treat him like you did me .do you remember the knife you gave him ?the little red knife ?well guess what he did with it ,he gave it to me !i was crying because you had said something shitty to me about being a pussy and he gave it to me ,i still have it .its all i have left of him . you thought it meant so much cause you gave it to him ,but you were wrong !i meant more to him than you or your knife . do you really think i need your help to feel guilty for what happened to jimmy?he was my world ,my friend my ,my brother and in many ways my father and yes it is my fault that he died ,there ,is that what you wanted to hear?if i had been stronger i would have taken my own life to try to please you ,but its hard for an 8 year old to just do something like that ,in a way you were right ,i was to much of a wussy to do the right thing ,so i will know for the rest of my life that i did it not you or anybody else just me .for all these years i been trying to understand you ,waiting wasting time hoping you would be the dad i needed so badly,with the help of my friends i now see that i been wasting my life always willing to give you the chance you never gave me .you left a huge hole in my heart but i have friends now that filled the space i been keeping there for you .you abandoned me to a life of lonliness,fear,self doubt and pain.but it made me strong ,so much stronger than you .you let jimm'ys death kill you but i was 8 i had to go on i had to live the life i was dealt and i did ,i made it and i'm so much better than you or your worthless family .how do i know that ?the same way you made me believe i was nothing, i listen to the people around me and guess what you were wrong! do you remember driving me to the hell hole where you left me? do you remember the things you said to that little boy who loved you?i do. did you even look back ?if you had you would have seen your son standing in that driveway ,with his suitcase ,watching his whole life just drive way, remember telling me if i was a good boy everything would be ok.you knew ! you knew what he was ,you knew what he would do to me .but hey at least you didn't see my cry right?i saved that till after you were gone .do you remember the next time you saw your son ?lying in the hospital casts and bandages head to toe? when i saw you i thought thank god ,thank god its over ,but it wasn't over was it ?it was just starting.funny i wasn't mad at you for letting him hurt me ,then you started telling me i couldnt tell the cops what happened ,and i knew that i was alone ,i couldnt talk but i wrote it out for you ,dad look what he did to me !i got to tell i just got to.you tore up the paper and told me i was not your son anymore unless i lied. it was there in that hospital that i knew i had to be stronger than all of you, so hard for an 11 year old who thought he was going to die any minute. did you keep track of how many times you told me it should have been me that died?when i stopped talking did it bother you ?you totaly ignored me for the first year after jimmy died ,dad? who else was i gonna talk to ?i had no one to talk to so i just stopped talking at all. yes the docs said it was because of jimmy but they were wrong it was because of you!i could be so angry right now and curse you and the day you were born ,but i dont want you to feel anger ,that is your way of dealing with bad stuff,i want you to truly understand the meaning of the word alone,not the alone you feel when the house is empty ,or the alone when everyone leaves but you know they will come back ,its the total alone feeling that you get when anyone who has any connection to you or your life is gone. by their own choice ,the alone of being thrown into a home where you know no one and being told this is your family ,the alone an 8 year old feels when the kids at school whisper or even shout ,hey you killed your brother right? the alone of sitting in court looking for someone anyone to be on my side ,but only seeing your family all sitting behind the animal that destroyed you. did it affect you at all when they made me cry in court?when the prosecuter screamed in my face ?when i couldnt bear to hold my head up or talk ?when the judge kept telling me over and over to look at the jury and speak up ?did you know i waited for at least three years for you to come and get me in foster care ,even though they told me you weren,t comming?why did i wait ,because i loved you thats why ,i kept telling myself he is just upset over jimmy he will come for me ,yeah i kept making excuses for you untill not to long ago. then i got to be 18 and was on my own ,i had no desire to see you ,but there you were at grans funeral, once again it was me on one side of the grave and you and my perp and his family on the other,gee i'm really sorry that i spit on all of you NOT! by the way have you seen any of the videos that he made of what he did to me? did you enjoy watching them with him ,hmm ,i wonder.you cut me out of all the family pictures did you do the same with the pictures my perp took of me ,did it help your pain to see mine?yes i suffered like most people cant imagine ,but i did it for you ,i took the abuse ,hell i deserved it right?after all i had destroyed our family not just once with jimmy but again by putting that animal in prison ,or so you told me ,i bet it was the high point of your life when you figured out that i had blocked out jimmy's death completly ,and the look on my face when you brought it all back for me,had to be priceless.for years i waited for you becuase i thought i had no one else ,but now i am not alone anymore i have friends i have a life despite all you tried to do to prevent it . i'm 21 now and i dont need you or your twisted family ,no more waitng ,no more wasting time on any of you . before i kick you out of my new life ,i want to give you a gift ,a small token of how i feel about you ,please take it in the spirit it is given ,i am giving you all the guilt ,shame self hate ,pain ,and most of all the lonliness they always did belong to you so take them back ,i could have had people in my life but i kept that space open for you, well your space in my life is gone now ,guess what i have like so many people now who say they would be proud if i was there son ,all this time it was you ,yes you not me ,you are the one who will be alone when you die ,you will know the lonliness that i felt for so long ,but i found a way out there is no way out for you ,you are doomed to an eternity of being alone . you know the kind of son i am ?the kind that can still feel sorry for you ,you tried so hard to make me hate ,myself, my life, everything and for a while it worked ,but i have broken free of you and your evil . i guees i should thank you because you sure changed my mind about wanting to be like you .oh well i cant resist ,you are a good for nothing asshole that never deserved either of the sons you had ,and everything you thought about jimmy was wrong ,he didnt love you he was afraid of you ,remember the year you got him a new bike and all i got was the old one ?well i can but a thousand new bikes now !i am not adam the son of ray anymore i am adam the survivor and you dont deserve to walk the same earth as me and my friends here with me. how does it feel to know you cant use my love for you against me anymore the one weapon you could always depend on is gone .thanks to people who are so different than you ,i am starting to accept adam just as he is ,fuck you!i am ok !i was a good son .i didnt push jimmy off that tractor on purpose and if i had not needed to try so hard to impress you jimmy would be here with me today ,yes with me cause all he ever wanted to do was get us both away from you . i want to end this with a line that will make no sense to you but it means the world to me .MY NAME IS ADAM ,NOT WUSSY BOY ,NOT THE LITTLE FAGGOT, NOT THE KID WHO KILLED HIS BROTHER ,NOT THE KID IN THE PICS OR VIDEOS ,NOT THE FOSTER KID NOBODY WANTED ,NOT THE BOY IN THE HOSPITAL ,NOT EVEN SHADOW ,JUST ADAM .
 
Adam,

That is a great letter. You said everything you needed to say and I think you said it so well. It is a powerful testament to your healing. I am proud of you and I would be so proud of you if you were my son. I don't know what else to say. Thanks for sharing this. Now I'm speechless.

Dale
 
Awsome letter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please please please let us know if he replies!!! He probably won't though because you are so right and he is gonna have to face a shitty future.............alone.

Adam, this letter reminds me of one of our discussions that we had about you and your family.

I remember you telling me about when you were in foster care Hell, after your "dad" left you with your perp cousin, and after you were beaten and raped and videotaped and left for dead and then left alone in a hospital for 9 months without a single family member or friend coming to see you. And after ALL OF THAT, you still wrote a letter to your "dad" telling him that you were sorry about Jimmy and begged him to let you come home with him. I remember you describing how your writing was all jumbled becuase you were upset and crying when you wrote it. And your "dad" never even read it, but your Grandma did and kept it all those years for you to see later after going through all her stuff after she died.

I don't really know why I mentioned all that, except maybe to eliminate any doubt that you are completely justified in shutting him out of your heart now, completlely, and forever.

You now have a new family, not just us here at MS, but little Sarah and Josh and Sam and their Mom, Angie. They all love you and so do we. Welcome to your new life Adam. You had this coming a long time ago.
 
Adam,

I would love to see his face when he reads what you wrote.
He didnt deserve you, nor Jimmy, and his death was never your fault, it was his, for letting you on a tractor.

It was his fault that he terrified his sons, and gave you away.
It is amazing how you can be so different than he could ever be.

You should have said in the letter, that it should not be up to a son to tell his father how to be human, or even humane.
Your little brother is still within you for all time,

ste
 
hi guys so you think this is ok?i kept writing it then tearing it up and starting over ,i want to add a thank you to those who made this possible but i got to go back to work ,i'll post it later .thanks all of you
 
Adam,

let me tell you a story, and its one of many I had to deal with.
Its a true story, and it may make you cry to read it, but, here goes.

A case of an abusive aggressive father who had four kids, three girls, and one boy aged about six years old.
He beat his wife up badly so many times.

She took her family away 200 miles from him, but he tracked them down, they now have a step father to protect them, and he has access to the kids.

All the kids took the step dads surname, but the blood dad, did not like his son changing his name because his family name would die unless he had another son.

He would take the kids out all together, and he would buy loads of presents for the girls, and treated the boy like sh*t with no presents, not even a cold drink.

Even though he loved his dad, his dad was treating him as though he knew that changing his name meant anything.
How can a six year old figure that out!

The boy was going pretty much out of control, as he sees his dad not wanting him as much as his sisters, but how? Could anyone do that to a little boy who just wants to be treated the same.

Can you see the psychological damage he has done to his own son, who he should nurture as his child.

How this little guy will emerge is unknown, but it is similar to your own dad, and most of the guys here would buy him the biggest teddy in the world reading this.

I dont know how anybody could do that to a child, but sadly it is far too often, and you show me hope and courage and to others, that you can turn life around with the right mix of friends.

ste
 
Adam,

You have me in tears again, but that's OK. I am so pleased that you've been able to shake off and reject the legacy of pain and heartache your father left you. It is good that you refuse to let his kind of hate destroy your life and poison your future.

I don't know what else to say except continue to love those around you like you are doing. Love is the untimate weapon against wrong.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ADAM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

John
 
(((((((((Adam)))))))))

I'm proud of you! At some point we have to recognize the reality of the love our of our family, or lack of love. We have to move beyond that point and know that it is no longer our problem, but theirs. It is just like with our perps...it is no longer our duty to go thru life feeling guilty and ashamed, it is their shame and guilt they somehow threw onto us while abusing us.

You are the better man in your family, Adam. Always realize that.
 
Adam - there's biological family, and there is nothing you can do about who they are!

Then there's real family...the people that really care about you, and they are the people that you really care about yourself!

It must have taken a lot of energy to write that letter, it was energy well spent!

I'm proud of you...well done!

best wishes ...Rik
 
Just a message to John.

How right you are on that one, where we can show true love and compassion.
Something missing or seemingly in my child life and maybe most of us.

You show a lot of wisdom in life, but guess I follow much the same rules,

ste
 
thanks to all you guys without you i coul;dnt have felt this way let alone tell my dad about it.i'm going to include a copy of my post titled recovery with this letter . thanks again adam
 
Shadowkid,
You are very brave, indeed. Directing your justifiable anger and rage to the person who needs to be held accountable is healing as much as it is noble. Remember the following:

a. You have the right to hold a mirror to anyone's face when they are abusive. Reverse the abuse by asking them how they would like it if someone treated them the way they have/are treating you. You do not have to take it.

and B:
NEVER show your anger, your power or your weapons until you absolutely have to because once you do, you can never go back.

Good luck, brave Man, my thoughts and prayers are with you. My only suggestion is that you might want to step aside and read your rhetoric as if someone else wrote those words and you are reading them for the first time. If you show total outrage instead of expressing your justifable anger, coalesed with too many "colorful metaphors" (aka the f word and any other four letter word) you run the risk of placing yourself down on his level, and in doing so he remains in control. Like your friends and your weapons, choose your words carefully.

Much love and respect
Tex
 
well i didnt think he would leave me alone ,i got a response from my dad ,but it seems like space here is to valuable to waste any on his garbage . so the battle rages on i guess. adam
 
Hi Adam, I just want you to know that the tractor accident was just that a accident. It was never your fault. it is very human to blame yourself for what happened, but it is not true. I had a similar accident when I was young, I got lucky in that my dad was not hurt permanently, he just had pulled muscles and bruises. But my dad had to keep telling me over and over that the accident was not my fault.

I am sorry that you lost your brother, and I am sorry that your dad wasn't there for you. You can talk to Ken about this , but I think your dad felt very guilty over the death of your brother, and rather than accept that guilt, he transferred it to you. That was absolutely not right!

Just keep saying to yourself that the accident was not your fault!

Take care,
Clifford
 
Adam,

You are SOOOO right - just Adam: not more, but sure as hell not less. Your letter is a real triumph and I hope you keep it with you always.

And the knife too. Jimmy must be so pleased you still have it. What a loving brother.

Much love,
Larry
 
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