Letter to my Dad
Hauser
Registrant
Hi guys I haven't posted anything in a while so here I go again. I wrote a letter to my Dad and just sent it, I will post his reply later after I recieve it. Ok so here is a the letter.
Me again. Dad this is one of those serious letters from me and I dont really know why Im telling you this except that it feels right so Im doing it. Also, the months and years are going by (fast) and, dread the thought, you may well all of a sudden might not be around to tell you this before you leave this world so here goes.
Dad, there was a pivotal moment shortly after the abuse occurred, and you probably wont remember it but I do. Do you remember how when 7th grade came around for me and my grades starting going into rapid decline? Do you remember my anger issues? Do you remember how a lot of things about me didnt make sense? (I was obviously not a normal teen growing up.
Well there was one time you really tried to connect with me. I was laying in bed about to sleep and you came into the room and wanted to talk to me. I dont remember if it was because I had a bad day that day or because things about me just werent adding up and making sense to you so you wanted to talk, I dont remember that part, but its not important. So this is that defining moment that I want to share with you.
You asked me outright, Alan whats wrong? There is obviously something wrong do you want to talk about it? I thought about it for like 2 seconds before I said Nothing, nothing is wrong. You then replied ok, and left me alone. I did think about it Dad. I was going to tell you. I really, actually thought about it. And I now wish that I had.
I couldnt tell you Dad. After I told my brother and his friend about it and them making fun of me and laughing I just couldnt do it. I dont even think that that was an exact reason for me to not do it but Im sure that is mostly the reason, not to mention that I would have had to give details to you which I didnt want to do at 9 years old either.
My walls were already up then Dad. Those walls persist to this day. They were there when I was 14 and you made me see that psychologist. The whole time I was seeing him I knew why I was having issues but THERE WAS NO WAY THAT I WAS GOING TO TALK TO HIM. That is why that Psych gave up talking to me because I wouldnt let him in, I was hurt enough already. I simply wasnt ready I guess. Geez, I had to wait 26 YEARS to talk about this and try to deal with it. In retrospect, that Psychologist was competent in his approach and abilities, but I suspect that he had NO IDEA what I was dealing with. That is not to say that he had not dealt with sexual abuse issues with his clients, just just didnt have a clue because you didnt know and I gave him nothing to work with.
So there you go Dad. That was the moment that could have changed everything. All these wasted years of nothing having become of my life. No career, no intimacy, no standing in a community that I isolate myself from, all of it. It all could have been prevented RIGHT THERE AT THAT VERY MOMENT. It was the beginning of a series of bad choices that I made in my life.
I thought you would want to know this.
Me again. Dad this is one of those serious letters from me and I dont really know why Im telling you this except that it feels right so Im doing it. Also, the months and years are going by (fast) and, dread the thought, you may well all of a sudden might not be around to tell you this before you leave this world so here goes.
Dad, there was a pivotal moment shortly after the abuse occurred, and you probably wont remember it but I do. Do you remember how when 7th grade came around for me and my grades starting going into rapid decline? Do you remember my anger issues? Do you remember how a lot of things about me didnt make sense? (I was obviously not a normal teen growing up.
Well there was one time you really tried to connect with me. I was laying in bed about to sleep and you came into the room and wanted to talk to me. I dont remember if it was because I had a bad day that day or because things about me just werent adding up and making sense to you so you wanted to talk, I dont remember that part, but its not important. So this is that defining moment that I want to share with you.
You asked me outright, Alan whats wrong? There is obviously something wrong do you want to talk about it? I thought about it for like 2 seconds before I said Nothing, nothing is wrong. You then replied ok, and left me alone. I did think about it Dad. I was going to tell you. I really, actually thought about it. And I now wish that I had.
I couldnt tell you Dad. After I told my brother and his friend about it and them making fun of me and laughing I just couldnt do it. I dont even think that that was an exact reason for me to not do it but Im sure that is mostly the reason, not to mention that I would have had to give details to you which I didnt want to do at 9 years old either.
My walls were already up then Dad. Those walls persist to this day. They were there when I was 14 and you made me see that psychologist. The whole time I was seeing him I knew why I was having issues but THERE WAS NO WAY THAT I WAS GOING TO TALK TO HIM. That is why that Psych gave up talking to me because I wouldnt let him in, I was hurt enough already. I simply wasnt ready I guess. Geez, I had to wait 26 YEARS to talk about this and try to deal with it. In retrospect, that Psychologist was competent in his approach and abilities, but I suspect that he had NO IDEA what I was dealing with. That is not to say that he had not dealt with sexual abuse issues with his clients, just just didnt have a clue because you didnt know and I gave him nothing to work with.
So there you go Dad. That was the moment that could have changed everything. All these wasted years of nothing having become of my life. No career, no intimacy, no standing in a community that I isolate myself from, all of it. It all could have been prevented RIGHT THERE AT THAT VERY MOMENT. It was the beginning of a series of bad choices that I made in my life.
I thought you would want to know this.
]
I always wondered what your real name was.