letter to my dad

[shadowkid]

i don't know if this should go here kinda came out like a poem ,can anyone tell me if this would be ok to send to my dad? to make it make sense ,between age 13 and age 15 while in foster or detention i wrote many lettesr to my dad ,at least 100 ,begging him to forgive me for turnning in my cousin ,my abuser ,i offered to say i lied to the police ,told him my abuse was my fault ,that i was sorry for being a bad kid ,etc. he never responded ,not once. my brand new therapist asked me to try writing to him .
dad, i wrote you letters
from here in my hell
i wrote you letters
thought i new you so well
i wrote you letters
asking you why
i wrote you letters
trying not to cry
i wrote you letters
you were my father
i wrote you letters
why did i bother
i wrote you letters
trying to hide
the pain you created
so deep inside
i wrote you letters
saying i'd lied
i wrote you letters
i was your son
i wrote you letters
as i stared at the gun
i wrote you letters
just one shot
i wrote you letters
it's all that iv' got
i wrote you letters
but you never missed me
i wrote you letters
hoping you'd see
i needed a hero
you just couldn't be
i wrote you letters
deep in the night
i wrote you letters
shaking with fright
i wrote you letters
spattered with tears
i wrote you letters
for over five years
i wrote you letters
saying i'm sorry dad
i wrote you letters
was i really that bad
i wrote you letters
taking the blame
i wrote you letters
accepting the shame
i wrote you letters
do you remember my name
i wrote you letters
but got no reply
i wrote you letters
i still wonder why
i wrote you letters
but this is the last
like all of the pain
your part of my past
you could have been dad
and done it so well
your response to me
was son you can't tell
i wrote you letters
you protected him
i wrote you letters
to give you a chance
i wrote you letters
which was more than i got
i wrote you letters
that little boy
sure loved you a lot
i wrote you letters
your son has grown up
with out your advice
he fought his own battle
did you ever think twice
i wrote you letters
the day you walked away
i wrote you letters
i prayed for you every day
i wrote you letters
as i cried for my daddy
i wrote you letters
but now i can see
you were'nt good enough
to deserve love from me
i have no more letters
to send down your way
i just wrote this last one so i could say
you had a son so beautifull
and you just threw him away . your son adam. sorry this is so long .

 

[roadrunner]

Adam,

This is a beautiful poem, and of course full of pain, hurt, and anger. You have every right to those feelings and somehow they need to come out.

Should you send the letter? The answer is another question: what do you want?

If what you want is closure, then I think this will do it. From what little I know of your situation my guess is that your father will ignore you. But you will have said what you need to say.

If you want some response, if the little boy is still crying to be heard, then Big Adam can send the letter but should be prepared to give Little Adam a lot of support when all he gets back is silence.

If you want reconciliation, I would have to say I don't see that in the cards. Maybe I am wrong. Who knows. If he responds at all, what you have said so far leads me to think his answer would be an angry one. You will have to be strong and understand that you are far better than he is: his words are the words of a useless father and an uncaring man.

It's a tough decision. It would be a good idea to talk it over with your T before sending the letter, if you do decide to send it.

Can I suggest something else Adam? Writing that letter must have been a painful experience. Christmas is coming. Treat yourself to writing a letter to your grandmother. Not one that talks about missed opportunities - all our lives are full of those. Tell her all the cool things you remember and how much you love her. And keep the letter.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Rivers]

Adam,

I agree with Larry, What is it that you want?
My wife had to write her dad a final letter. Depending on the amount of dysfunction it may be the last one or time you ever have any contact with him in your life. In her case he wasn't done trying to emotionally abuse her. We sent back all the hate mail that came to us from him and we had trouble with ugly messages on our answering machine.

You do have the right to those feelings. I love your poem it really speaks to every aspect of your life and a relationship that should have been but never was. You're grieving a lot of losses and you need to take all the time you need to do that.

Be aware that there could be some "Fall Out" from it. Don't set yourself up thinking it will be the end. OK? Does that make sense?

My heart is with you man,
Rivers

 

[reality2k4]

Adam,

Yes, I would send it to him, but I guess he will not reply.

You were right to turn in your abuser, and you should never be shouldering the burden of this, but it would have been more guilt if you had not, believe me.

It was sad to read that, and every boy loves his dad, even when they do harm them, because children seem to forgive so much more easily, than the adults we are now.

It is wrong when a father refuses to believe his own son, but I hope he sees sense, because one day he will regret not knowing you.

It is good to write this stuff, because they say, talking it out, or writing out, is better than acting out.

I am with you also,

ste

 

[Hauser]

Adam, .................. It is tragic. Let's not beat around the bush with your Dad. Send him the letter.

I think I speak for most of the guys here when I say that they would be proud of you for the man that you've become despite your hardship. You inspire many of us here with you experience and character.

We're here for you, all of us, ok?

 

[WalkingSouth]

Adam......

I'm gonna go cry now for Little Adam. What a Travesty. Why do people throw away their children? ((((((((Adam))))))))

Send it just the way it is My Friend. Don't change a thing.

John

 

[OKIE MIKE]

Your poem brought a tear to my eye . it was beautiful . but i do under stand the pain that it took to do this

 

[shadowkid]

hey guys, you know i had to think a while about what i wanted from writing this letter ,i am writing it for me ,not my father ,i hope he doesn't respond . what the hell could he possibly say . i saw him for the first time in about 10 years a week ago ,he has nothing i want or need .i have outgrown my love for him . i was too pissed to say these things to him but they needed said .this letter is the end of hating myself because he didn't love me . adam

 

[Derdlecar]

Adam,

When you said that you were going to see the T for the first time, people were advising you you to take it slow, and I said to myself, "ya right, since when has Adam done anything slow?" Not since coming to be part of our family here at MS that is for sure. And once again you show your strength by seeing a T and posting such an awesome letter to your father in such a short time! You amaze me.

The tears came from my eyes, ran down my face and got my shirt wet. I can't imagine throwing such a beautiful son as you away. I think of my grandma, she use to drive her little blue car to the dump and find things people had thrown away. She would come home with dalls and wash them up and put clothes on them, she would then put them on the back of her couch for everybody to admire. When people came to her house she would proudly show them off, tell the story of where she got them then say that she knew alot of beautiful people who had been rescued from the dump of this world. And these dalls made her think of them.

Adam, you remind me of those dalls, your father threw you away. He did not see your beauty or value. But Adam, of all the people in this world, you are one of the most beautiful.

Love you

Darrel

 

[Morning Star]

Your poem
a tear from your heart,
a tear in words
that turned out to be
a crystal.