Letter to my 11-year-old self POSSIBLE TRIGGER!

Letter to my 11-year-old self POSSIBLE TRIGGER!
C

crisispoint

Registrant
Dear Scot,

I had a vision of you yesterday, with Mr. Price. I'd call it a flashback, but I took control.

I've become aware of you for the first time in a long time. I forgot about you. Actually, you made me forget about you. You forgot about yourself and you were trapped in perpetual agony because you thought I couldn't take it. You felt guilty about going back to that animal because at first you thought he loved you. You felt so ashamed. My, God, Scot, you thought YOU were to blame. Then, after he hurt you (again and again!) you were so scared. You blamed yourself for what happened and hid that pain from yourself. You cried in my arms when I finally took command of that Hell we were both replaying and blamed yourself. You thought I hated you.

My little man, how could I hate you? You protected me, saved me from dealing with what that asshole did to you until I was ready for it. You are a hero, my little man. I love you. You are a part of me again. How empty, isolated I felt until I knew you were there!

Scot, I do not blame you. How could you tell anyone after the lies and cruelties that asshole inflicted on you? Some might think I'm talking over your head, using the words I am. You always took pride in the fact that you were smart and enjoyed learning new, strange things. I know I'm not. Scot, you are not to blame, okay? YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT!

I am so very proud of you, little brother. In fact, I think you should be very angry with me, making you deal with this alone for so long. You, my dear child, my precious gift, are special. You were special then and you always will be. That bastard took advantage of you and how I hate him for what he did to both of us.

You don't need to be forgiven for anything. I love you. You've always been loved, and I am so glad we are together again.

Be proud, Scot, you survived.

I love you. I'll love you forever. You'll always be my hero.

Your "big" self,

Scot :)
 
Dear Scot, when you get a chance, be sure to tell little Scot what a courageous and compassionate adult he grew up to be. Peace, Andrew
 
Scot, Andrew and those who follow,

One of the more significant exercises at the last retreat was for the attendees to write a letter, "to their little boy." It was right there on the schedule, along with the other scheduled events of the retreat. And, since it was to take place as one of the last exercises planned, we had time to see it approaching, as we worked toward the end of the schedule.

Well, when the time finally arrived, I thought that I was ready, and that I had some idea of what, "I would say to myself."

Everything went along as much as all of the other activities, until, Mikele, said, "In this exercise, you don't have to write this letter to your little boy, you...can...let...the...little...boy...write...a letter...to...you."

BAM, right between the eyes. My little boy can write a letter to me! Oh, my God, I thought. And, Mikele added, "If you chose to let your little boy write to you, please use your less dominate hand when writing as the little boy."

"We'll make sure that you get these letters in the mail, delivered to you, before Christmas," she said.

Well, right then, the tears started to flow. There I was, 63 years old, suddenly transformed into me, the shaking, quaking 7 year old. The room suddenly became empty. Most of the guys moved off to other places. One guy, across the room from me, had turned to the empty chair next to him and was leaning over working diligently on his letter. There were a couple of other guys on the floor on their stomachs working on their letters much like 7 year olds would do if they were drawing or reading comic books.

Here they come again, the tears, I mean, as I write this, now.

One of the therapists who had worked with my small group had hung back and noticed me crying as I began to write my letter. He ever so gently approached me from the side, sat down next to me and said, in the softest voice, "Can I touch your shoulder?"
"Yes," I whispered.

And, then, davy wrote this to me, with his left hand:

"Dear David,

I love you. I know how hard you tried to protect me. I will always love you.

Davy"

Peace, Strength and Courage as you listen to the little boy in you, just waiting to write to you to tell you, how much he loves you.

David
 
i really debated about responding to this thread. scot and david's posts just threw me for a loop. here i am sitting in the library and i am struggling to stay composed. david, when relating your story and getting to the part where they said the little ones would write to the adults...BAM...i felt that as well.

scott and david, what can be said? i tried writing to little theo as well and have had some really good moments, but i have also kept the communication from my perspective as an adult. david, i was seeing the image of all those men responding to the writing exercise. the power in that image alone was almost overwhelming.

i look forward to being able to interact with little theo on the same level, but i am also very scared. the times i dissociated and the feelings of still being there myself but unable to respond as myself just terrified me. i am scared that if i pursue this that i will find something i don't know if i will be able to handle. emotion itself? i don't really know, i just know i am scared to go there and feel that i am letting little theo down. i really do cherish him, he saved our life, but i am so scared to really go that step into what for me would be the twilight zone of my mind and soul. i have just barely scratched the surface of the abuse and its impact and have found myself at the end of my rope from just the tip of the iceberg. where will i be if i take the plunge and really try to embrace the entire iceberg? i really don't know, i really don't.
 
It's not often I'm stuck for something to say, but what can I say about Scot and Davids posts ?

Just cherish and care for those lost boys as they come back to you.

Dave :)
 
Hey guys! I really get excited when I hear about "Inner Child Work" - talking with your little guy!

Scot: What a terrific breakthrough!! I'm happy for you!!

Dave: I'm with Theo, what a powerful experience!! What a charged exercise!! As I read your letter, the hair on my neck stood up!!

Theo: I can empathize with you. Inner Child work is a struggle for me too. It isn't easy! But I guess the stories of hope and power shared by Dave and Scot are inspiring and help me try again!

Andrew: you're right to send peace; as we get together with that inner child, I'm told, a warmth and calmness take over!!

Glad to hear about your powerful experiences!!

Howard
 
Gosh, Theo, I didn't write that last post for you to feel pushed. Please don't feel pushed. It is an event that comes in its own time; and not necessarily the same for all.

I do identify with you and others who fear what they may find "back there." One, of two exercises that I've used to some success, is to know the players, those folks who were near to me, who had access to me and to realize that they could have done anything to me. After all, I had a mother and an older sister who were manic-depressive...I prefer the older label, rather than, bi-polar, because for me that's what they were; maniacal people who could nose dive into the pit. I guess imagining them capable of anything freed me up to "go" where I wanted to, and to not be any more afraid than I always was.
The other exercise that I've used is the one suggested by John Bradshaw where he talks about the reader rescuing him/herself.
Just don't feel pushed by anything here...encouraged, maybe, but not shoved or coerced.

Peace and courage,

David
 
david,
have no fear, my friend, i did not feel pushed. i do feel torn between the two extremes of wanting to fully embrace little theo and the other of being terrified of what might happen. there have been times when i have dissociated in the distant past and lost my way back, at least that was how it felt. the two times i recall it happening off the top of my head was lucky in that there was someone there who served to ground me. my former therapist told me that the mind takes care of itself, that somehow it would always come back, but the episodes i have had in the past month alone only reinforce my fear of really embracing the depths. thank you so much for the follow up, david. take care.
 
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