Letter to Mother/perp [trigger?]
Hi guys,
I finally managed to put it all down in a letter to my mother the other day. Haven't sent it yet - that will be tomorrow. I've included the letter at the end of this message.
I know that the abuse I suffered is nothing compared with what some of you have gone through and even though I've read that the abuse does not have to be physical to do damage I sort of feel that I need to apologise for the 'triviality' of what I experienced.
'Women keep men in thrall through use of sexual allurement and seduction.' I recognise that what happened to me is not an isolated incident in my family. My father and his brother both lived at home with their mother until she died when they were around 50. My mothers second husband came from a family of 5 sisters and him. His father died when he was young. A similar patern can be seen in both my grandparents. Weak men and seductive, manipulative women. I'm the first one to balk at this state of affairs - but get this, although I was abused by a woman, I don't trust men (or women - I don't truly trust anyone). Somehow my view of men has been warped and I have been alienated from my own sex. Wow, that's a pretty cunning ploy.
I have a theory: the invisible emotional abuse perpertated by women is as harmful and destructive as the physical abuse dished out by violent men. Neither are acceptable. If the law recognized the damage done to society by this type of underhanded emotional abuse many more women might end up in jail.
Cheers
****
Dear Mum,
Well here it is. All the taboo subjects in our relationships. All the things you cannot bear to here. What I was forced to witness and endure as I was growing up.
I saw you debauch yourself with a married man. Despite one of your primary responsibilities as a mother being the protection of your son, you invited the poison in through the front door. One kind of sexual abuse is to show children pornography. What do you call it when a child has to watch his own mother indulging in such acts?
Because of this toxic relationship of yours I also suffered emotional neglect and abandonment. While we lived in Queens St I was at best an inconvenience to you and Ron. The number of times I was surreptitiously left by myself in the evenings so you could satisfy your sexual appetite was countless. I could feel, and witnessed, the very blatant antipathy you felt toward me. This is inexcusable behaviour to a child of 11 or 12.
This truth is frightening to you. This is why you have tried to demonize me and label me mad and the such. I know you want to keep these things hidden, you are right to be ashamed. There are too many taboo subjects and secrets in this family.
In this same house you left explicit pornographic pictures in a cupboard in easy reach. And the worst of it this box full of pornography also contained at least one picture of you.
But beyond this, the most disturbing, the most shameful and taboo act, the one that I am sure you will deny you sexually exposed yourself to your own teenage son. You are sick. I can still remember my shock and the look on your face that said you knew exactly what you were doing. I know you live your life in heavy denial, so you will never admit it. But I was there. I know what you have done and I know what you are guilty of.
So if youve ever asked yourself Why is Dougal like this?, Why is Dougal so angry?, the answer is Because his life was so thoroughly permeated by his mothers sexuality when he was a child and he is a victim of a pernicious and very subtle form of maternal incest.
Sadly I doubt that you will be able to face up to your own actions and you will meet this with denial. Ive never seen you face up to the difficult truths. Perhaps you were sexually abused as a child yourself. For a long time Ive suspected Grandma was a victim of some sort of abuse, it would explain her destructive nature.
I dont hate you over this. Its true Ive been very angry and perhaps still am. You betrayed me as a child. I would even like to have a relationship with you again, but not one based on denial.
Sincerely,
I finally managed to put it all down in a letter to my mother the other day. Haven't sent it yet - that will be tomorrow. I've included the letter at the end of this message.
I know that the abuse I suffered is nothing compared with what some of you have gone through and even though I've read that the abuse does not have to be physical to do damage I sort of feel that I need to apologise for the 'triviality' of what I experienced.
'Women keep men in thrall through use of sexual allurement and seduction.' I recognise that what happened to me is not an isolated incident in my family. My father and his brother both lived at home with their mother until she died when they were around 50. My mothers second husband came from a family of 5 sisters and him. His father died when he was young. A similar patern can be seen in both my grandparents. Weak men and seductive, manipulative women. I'm the first one to balk at this state of affairs - but get this, although I was abused by a woman, I don't trust men (or women - I don't truly trust anyone). Somehow my view of men has been warped and I have been alienated from my own sex. Wow, that's a pretty cunning ploy.
I have a theory: the invisible emotional abuse perpertated by women is as harmful and destructive as the physical abuse dished out by violent men. Neither are acceptable. If the law recognized the damage done to society by this type of underhanded emotional abuse many more women might end up in jail.
Cheers
****
Dear Mum,
Well here it is. All the taboo subjects in our relationships. All the things you cannot bear to here. What I was forced to witness and endure as I was growing up.
I saw you debauch yourself with a married man. Despite one of your primary responsibilities as a mother being the protection of your son, you invited the poison in through the front door. One kind of sexual abuse is to show children pornography. What do you call it when a child has to watch his own mother indulging in such acts?
Because of this toxic relationship of yours I also suffered emotional neglect and abandonment. While we lived in Queens St I was at best an inconvenience to you and Ron. The number of times I was surreptitiously left by myself in the evenings so you could satisfy your sexual appetite was countless. I could feel, and witnessed, the very blatant antipathy you felt toward me. This is inexcusable behaviour to a child of 11 or 12.
This truth is frightening to you. This is why you have tried to demonize me and label me mad and the such. I know you want to keep these things hidden, you are right to be ashamed. There are too many taboo subjects and secrets in this family.
In this same house you left explicit pornographic pictures in a cupboard in easy reach. And the worst of it this box full of pornography also contained at least one picture of you.
But beyond this, the most disturbing, the most shameful and taboo act, the one that I am sure you will deny you sexually exposed yourself to your own teenage son. You are sick. I can still remember my shock and the look on your face that said you knew exactly what you were doing. I know you live your life in heavy denial, so you will never admit it. But I was there. I know what you have done and I know what you are guilty of.
So if youve ever asked yourself Why is Dougal like this?, Why is Dougal so angry?, the answer is Because his life was so thoroughly permeated by his mothers sexuality when he was a child and he is a victim of a pernicious and very subtle form of maternal incest.
Sadly I doubt that you will be able to face up to your own actions and you will meet this with denial. Ive never seen you face up to the difficult truths. Perhaps you were sexually abused as a child yourself. For a long time Ive suspected Grandma was a victim of some sort of abuse, it would explain her destructive nature.
I dont hate you over this. Its true Ive been very angry and perhaps still am. You betrayed me as a child. I would even like to have a relationship with you again, but not one based on denial.
Sincerely,