Letter to Kenny

Letter to Kenny
J

Jaysen

Registrant
So the therapist asked me to write a letter to Kenny and put it somewhere... I wrote it last night and figured I'd put it here, it's the only place I have for this stuff and I know you all understand.

I'm not sure if this post belongs here or not, it's not really a poem and it's not off-topic so...

It was a hard write and it's a hard read so if you're not in a good place in your head right now please ignore it.

--------------------------------------------------
You sick fucking pervert, how do you live with yourself, how could you do these things to me leaving me all alone with a searing gaping hole in my heart, I looked up to you, I trusted you, I loved you, you took those feelings, all the feelings of this innocent little kid who you knew damn well was unloved and hurting and you used them against me, you turned my love and wonder of you into something ugly and disgusting, little by little you took advantage of my trust, you motherfucker, did you know that years from then Id feel completely helpless and worthless and ugly and stupid and like I was nothing more than a useless faggot? Did you know that because of you I attached myself to anyone and everyone who would have me, no matter what they wanted to do, no matter how badly they wanted to use and abuse me. Because of you I hate myself. How could you do this to me? How could you love me so much and then put your hurtful hands on my 6 year old body, how could you take away my innocence, my childhood and the rest of my life with a fucking smile on your face? How do you live with yourself? How could lie right to my face and tell me that if I really loved you, Id do it, you stole my life, you raped me, I was 8 goddamn years old you heartless motherfucker, I didn't even know what sex was, you made me feel intense shame and you ruined my life you goddamn sick fuck! I said NO, I said I didnt want too, I NEVER gave you permission and you just came took it anyway. You destroyed everything sweet and amazing and innocent and beautiful in my life.
I was so scared to lose you I was so scared that you wouldn't love me, what the fuck does a kid know about love and loss you asshole! Can you see how much you hurt me? Do you even care? Where ever you are in this word do you even think of me? Can you tell that I struggle with staying alive every day of my life because of you? You hurt me so bad, I cried and I struggled and you held me still and lied to me and told me that you were the only one who cared about me, the only one who I could ever turn too or trust. You are a FUCKING LIAR! What the fuck gave you the right? Who ever told you that you had any right to put your hands on me, to make me cry to make me bleed to make me love you. I was real, alive, flesh and blood with feelings and emotions so fragile.. and you took it as a perfect opportunity to fuck a little boy you sick fucking monster. What could I have done to make you stop?
I hate you, I despise you, you disregarded my feelings and all I have in my memory now is the hurt, the pain, the sickness, the nightmares, the blood, the shameI can still smell you, I can still taste you, I can still feel the weight of your body and your huge hands on my tiny shoulders you are a fucking nightmare to me now. You knew that I had no one and you took advantage of that, you told me I could come to you when I was hurt by my dad, you never told me that Id have to pay for those hugs and that comfort with my fucking life.
I remember now, I never asked you for that, you told me that I did but I didnt.
Let me tell you something I am a fucking human being and I never deserved all the hurt and pain and shame that you caused me, I
Should have been given respect and love and care not hurt and scars.
You had no right to touch me Kenny
You had NO fucking right to hit me dad.
I NEVER SAID IT WAS OK and I hope you fucking rot in hell
 
And THAT, Jay, is what "getting it off your chest" is all about. Well done. In case you are concerned, no, there's not a word in there that's out of order. You hit all the right points.

Especially this one, which I know you understand anyway, but here it is again, all the same: NONE of this was your fault!

Much love,
Larry
 
I didn't think so at first.
It didn't take me long to write it, once I started writing it just came out.. I didn't realize what I wrote until I went back and read it. Then I read it again and then a dozen more times after that. I destroyed our coffee maker, a lamp and then sat there crying like a baby for a long time, I don't remember how long.
I slept for about an hour this morning and woke up actually feeling pretty refreshed and in a good mood.

So yeah, I think it did help, I mean Kenny isn't actually going to read it, but it doesn't matter... it's out there, I'm not hiding how I feel from him anymore.

Jay
 
Jay,

I'm not hiding how I feel from him anymore.
Click to expand...
Why should you? It's his blame, his shame, his crime, his guilt, his fault. Let him have it all for himself. When you talk about it that's one way of rejecting the blame and rejecting the power of the abuser. Perps would love for us to stay shut up all the rest of our lives...and theirs. Actually, they DEPEND on that.

So yep, keep talking Jay and keep expressing what you feel and how you feel it. No one here will judge you or look at you with anything less than 100% understanding and support.

Much love,
Larry
 
Why should I?
No reason anymore....
Up until about a month ago I could have given a hudred really good reasons why I stayed quiet... now I can't think of one.
 
Jay,

Good for you! That's what progress is all about, and when you are able to say that honestly it also shows how you are rebuilding your self-confidence and trust in who you really are.

Much love,
Larry
 
Thanks, yeah I do feel like I made a teeny bit of progress and in the real world I feel like I have a little bit more self confidence. And speaking of self confidence, it's funny I just remembered one of my friends asking me about a year after I got out of the hospital when I was going to get back to being my "normal self". I was overly confident before it happened, but now that I think about it maybe that wasn't confidence, maybe it was something else. Trying to get attention or something because of my uncle...
I don't know.
Anyway, I told my friend that I'd probably never be the same person. He didn't know exactly what happened to me, thought I just got beat, but I remember him actually getting mad at me for the person I was after it happened.
 
Jay,
Your post was one of the strongest most brave things I ever read on the internet.
I am working the courage to write my own story to get off my chest.
Jake
 
Jay,

Good job! Can't add too much to what's been said already, but you done good. That was a resounding rejection of Kenny and the results of his evil actions against you.

There will be more things you will need to deal with as you continue to travel this path, but you just provided yourself with the strength you need to face them as they come across your path.

(((((Jay)))))

Lots of love,

John
 
Jaysen, I hope that this helps you understand yourself and what's wrong in your life, and I think it did.

He may have twisted around the love of a young boy to his sick and twisted ends but he didn't destroy that boy's capacity to love did he?

I will help you find answers if I can.
 
"he didn't destroy that boy's capacity to love did he?"


Yes in a way he did, but that doesn't mean I can't get it back, right?
 
I don't really know you well enough to say for sure that you can get it back, but I see no reason why you can't.

You may well be in the situation that I'm in. It may be that the abuse has predisposed you to live in isolation (like me) and to never go out and meet anyone to love.

If this is the case for you, I can offer no help, becuase I'm still doing it myself.

But I do care about you Jaysen, and I would love to see you recover and get your life back.
 
Why? Not being sarcastic, it's an honest question.

I don't live in isolation, in fact I hate being alone, being alone with my thoughts is the scariest thing in the world to me. I always surround myself with my friends. They don't know the "real" me, they know the Jay who likes to laugh and party and who can be a wiseass and who likes to watch the Yankees get their asses handed to them, they think I'm happy and fearless and don't have a care in the world. But that's not really who I am.

You know what, being in isolation and never going out to meet anyone to love is pretty much the same as my situation. I'm not physically in isolation but I am in my mind. I could be in a room with a thousand people and feel completely isolated.
 
Jaysen - thanks for writing what you did! You have my respect!

Best wishes ...Rik
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top