Letter at abuser, question
About a month ago, I wrote a letter at my abuser, and sent it to him. I will have reason to see him in three weeks. Although I have seen him before, since the end of the abuse, this will be first time I see him since I start to deal of all it. Always before, when I have seen him, he has gone out of his way to speak at me, or touch me. I wished to make sure he not do that now, because I truly do not know how I will react of that.
After he get the letter, he start calling me (I do not know how he get my phone number, but I have changed it again), leaving over 40 messages in two days, cursing at me and calling me a liar, threatening me. I realize that his reaction was as that because he IS guilty, and he knows it.
What follows is the letter I wrote at him. What I am wondering is, should I write another one, to send before three weeks? I still feel he will seek me out, and now that he is angry and maybe even scared also, I worry of what he'll do. I am doing what I can to make sure he will have no opportunity to find me alone. I worry that to write him again is to respond to his behavior, and keep open the communication, when I do not wish that. But I really do not wish to have him near me at all, but do not wish to run away of this either. So I suppose I do not know quite what I want here. I guess any advice would be good. I will warn that the letter can be trigger, for anger and language at him, it is not descriptive of what he did at all.
Leosha
******Letter, probable trigger********
M,
I know that I see you soon, even though I do not like to. Personal,
I would prefer never I see you, until you are dead only. But that is
not what happens, my life requires me continue to see you, unless I
run off, and not do what is my life any more. And I not do that. I
not let you take that of me, or win me of this.
I am not to talk at you of what you do, how wrong it is what you do.
If you are human, you know that what you do is wrong and evil. If
you are monster, you do not give shit of what you do. Either of
ways, I do not care. Do you hear me, and understand of that? I real
do not fucking care of what you think of what you do.
I do talk at you of me, because of both of us, I am the one who
matters. Because I know that you think you break of me. You think
you take of me so much. And perhaps is true, you do of that. But you
not beat me of this. When I come to you for train, I am child, you
are adult in position of power, and you misuse of that badly. But
you have not power of me now, you do not have of that. I am adult
now also. Is that something you fear? Something you worry happens
with each of the boys you have abused? Because I know you lie at me,
that you do this at others. Perhaps is true, that I am stupid as
child, and afraid of you, and I try believe that you do not do of
this at others. But I know the truth now, and the truth has nothing
to do of you. So is that a fear of you? That these children you
harm, all this time, that we do grow up, we do become adults, and we
recognize of how much shit you are made of, what you do at us? That
power, that fear that you can put over of us when we are children,
that is gone. You do not give me fear, and you do not have power of
me, of my life, of nothing. You are nothing but so much shit that is
to be taken off the bottom of my shoe, and thrown out the door. That
is how much power you have of me.
You see this? You see how it is now? You will never threaten me
again. You will never hurt me again. You do not have that power of
me. You know what you did at me? Those are crimes, even home in
Russia, you are nothing more of criminal. You harm children. You hit
and kick, you yell and curse. You abuse. And you rape. You hear
that? You are nothing more of fucking rapist, evil shit man who
needs to be in prison, who needs to have done at you what you so
happy to do at others, smaller and younger, who can not fight you
off.
I can fight you now, you shit bastard. I am telling you that now. I
am a better man than you ever imagine yourself of. Because I warn
you. I give you that chance, to know of what will be consequence at
you, if you do anything at me. You talk at me, I will curse you. You
come near me, I will warn you. And if you touch me, I will do my best to make you know the fear I had of you. I do not threaten you with this. I will not harm you physically, as I am better person of you, and that is beneath me. But if you push at me, if you continue to try to make me uncomfortable with you, well, I will take away your comfort. I will do all I can to make sure others know you as you really are. I will not warn you again of that. It will
just happen. You think I am child, who talks strong at you and
cowers in real life. That is not truth of this. I am not child. I am
not one who cower of you anymore. I am not of fear of you. I am man.
You understand that? I realize that is something you are not in
familiar with, men. Because of what bastard you are, you choose to
associate yourself of boys. You can not handle to deal of someone
who match you in strength and power, someone you can not so easily
make fear. You can not handle a man, especial a fucked off man, an
angry man, one who has so much hatred at you. I could easy hate you
for what you do at me. It is too much easy, to do that. But, you do
it at so many. You are selfish of it. You can not be content to fuck
of one person only, or one person at one time. You must do it over
as many as you can. You do wrong touch of everyone, every boy you
ever train while I am there. You think because you are not stopped
of that, that you can do that okay? You think that because you push
over so many people, it make what you do right? That you wake, that
you walk and talk and still breathe of air, that is all things that
are not right, just as what you do is not right.
So this is fact. I warn you of this, how I feel, and what I will do
at you. You do not own me anymore, or own any of my body or brain.
And you never will again. The next step I take, it will be to expose
of you and what you do, to let that be known. That is something that
I do not do yet, and maybe not do so soon. But that day, it comes.
You will not be free of this, you will not get away of this, what
you do. You will be held responsible of it, here in this life as
well as your next. Because I will see to it that it happens. I
strong suggest, if you do of this right now, at Zhenya or other, you
stop. But I know you. You will not take that suggestion, that
warning. You feel so much sure of your superiority of all this, that
no harm will come at you. And that is fine. Because you are wrong
evil man. Your feeling above of this, it is feeling that will come
to end. I will bring it, and you, to end. I promise of that to you.
You are not only one to get of this letter. It is on record now. Let
us see how you deal of that.
After he get the letter, he start calling me (I do not know how he get my phone number, but I have changed it again), leaving over 40 messages in two days, cursing at me and calling me a liar, threatening me. I realize that his reaction was as that because he IS guilty, and he knows it.
What follows is the letter I wrote at him. What I am wondering is, should I write another one, to send before three weeks? I still feel he will seek me out, and now that he is angry and maybe even scared also, I worry of what he'll do. I am doing what I can to make sure he will have no opportunity to find me alone. I worry that to write him again is to respond to his behavior, and keep open the communication, when I do not wish that. But I really do not wish to have him near me at all, but do not wish to run away of this either. So I suppose I do not know quite what I want here. I guess any advice would be good. I will warn that the letter can be trigger, for anger and language at him, it is not descriptive of what he did at all.
Leosha
******Letter, probable trigger********
M,
I know that I see you soon, even though I do not like to. Personal,
I would prefer never I see you, until you are dead only. But that is
not what happens, my life requires me continue to see you, unless I
run off, and not do what is my life any more. And I not do that. I
not let you take that of me, or win me of this.
I am not to talk at you of what you do, how wrong it is what you do.
If you are human, you know that what you do is wrong and evil. If
you are monster, you do not give shit of what you do. Either of
ways, I do not care. Do you hear me, and understand of that? I real
do not fucking care of what you think of what you do.
I do talk at you of me, because of both of us, I am the one who
matters. Because I know that you think you break of me. You think
you take of me so much. And perhaps is true, you do of that. But you
not beat me of this. When I come to you for train, I am child, you
are adult in position of power, and you misuse of that badly. But
you have not power of me now, you do not have of that. I am adult
now also. Is that something you fear? Something you worry happens
with each of the boys you have abused? Because I know you lie at me,
that you do this at others. Perhaps is true, that I am stupid as
child, and afraid of you, and I try believe that you do not do of
this at others. But I know the truth now, and the truth has nothing
to do of you. So is that a fear of you? That these children you
harm, all this time, that we do grow up, we do become adults, and we
recognize of how much shit you are made of, what you do at us? That
power, that fear that you can put over of us when we are children,
that is gone. You do not give me fear, and you do not have power of
me, of my life, of nothing. You are nothing but so much shit that is
to be taken off the bottom of my shoe, and thrown out the door. That
is how much power you have of me.
You see this? You see how it is now? You will never threaten me
again. You will never hurt me again. You do not have that power of
me. You know what you did at me? Those are crimes, even home in
Russia, you are nothing more of criminal. You harm children. You hit
and kick, you yell and curse. You abuse. And you rape. You hear
that? You are nothing more of fucking rapist, evil shit man who
needs to be in prison, who needs to have done at you what you so
happy to do at others, smaller and younger, who can not fight you
off.
I can fight you now, you shit bastard. I am telling you that now. I
am a better man than you ever imagine yourself of. Because I warn
you. I give you that chance, to know of what will be consequence at
you, if you do anything at me. You talk at me, I will curse you. You
come near me, I will warn you. And if you touch me, I will do my best to make you know the fear I had of you. I do not threaten you with this. I will not harm you physically, as I am better person of you, and that is beneath me. But if you push at me, if you continue to try to make me uncomfortable with you, well, I will take away your comfort. I will do all I can to make sure others know you as you really are. I will not warn you again of that. It will
just happen. You think I am child, who talks strong at you and
cowers in real life. That is not truth of this. I am not child. I am
not one who cower of you anymore. I am not of fear of you. I am man.
You understand that? I realize that is something you are not in
familiar with, men. Because of what bastard you are, you choose to
associate yourself of boys. You can not handle to deal of someone
who match you in strength and power, someone you can not so easily
make fear. You can not handle a man, especial a fucked off man, an
angry man, one who has so much hatred at you. I could easy hate you
for what you do at me. It is too much easy, to do that. But, you do
it at so many. You are selfish of it. You can not be content to fuck
of one person only, or one person at one time. You must do it over
as many as you can. You do wrong touch of everyone, every boy you
ever train while I am there. You think because you are not stopped
of that, that you can do that okay? You think that because you push
over so many people, it make what you do right? That you wake, that
you walk and talk and still breathe of air, that is all things that
are not right, just as what you do is not right.
So this is fact. I warn you of this, how I feel, and what I will do
at you. You do not own me anymore, or own any of my body or brain.
And you never will again. The next step I take, it will be to expose
of you and what you do, to let that be known. That is something that
I do not do yet, and maybe not do so soon. But that day, it comes.
You will not be free of this, you will not get away of this, what
you do. You will be held responsible of it, here in this life as
well as your next. Because I will see to it that it happens. I
strong suggest, if you do of this right now, at Zhenya or other, you
stop. But I know you. You will not take that suggestion, that
warning. You feel so much sure of your superiority of all this, that
no harm will come at you. And that is fine. Because you are wrong
evil man. Your feeling above of this, it is feeling that will come
to end. I will bring it, and you, to end. I promise of that to you.
You are not only one to get of this letter. It is on record now. Let
us see how you deal of that.