Letter at abuser, maybe is trigger
I am hoping this post stay where I post it this time. Still do not know what happened to my last post.
I will have occasion to have to see the person who sexually abused me, will have to see him October 3. It is not private, it is not one to one thing, it will be at sport competition. But, since I leave of training with him, when I see him at competitions, he make a point always to say rude things at me, or to even touch me. This will not happen again.
I write letter at him. I do not know where feelings of it come from, because they are not as I feel. I write it somehow as someone strong, who not longer has fear of him, even though I do. I write it as I have no worries of him, that he not total change my life and character and make me scared and panic and lose of sleep. I not let him know what he still does at me, how I always still have his voice in head, how I still smell him when I train, how I still feel what he did at me in the dreams and the flashbacks and the body memories. I do not tell him that I cut and burn myself for him, or that I try kill myself for him. I not tell him that to be sick from memories of him make me so sick I go in hospital two times. I not tell him of how much my life he takes of me, how much of what maybe would be now. Because, all that not matter, right? Beside of that, I not want to give him more to use against of me. I not want him to know that he still scares sh*t out of me, wake or sleep, and to work so much of this make me sick.
So instead, somehow, there are words in it, of 'you do not win this', 'you not hurt me again', 'you will pay'. How he will pay? I do not have courage to speak of it to authorities. But I do decide that it will happen. When I am some better of this and stronger of this, he will pay, because I will tell of this. It is not meaningless threat I tell at him, I do mean that I do that someday.
And I send it at him, I sent it today. So that he will know that when he see me in few months, it will not be 'same old sh*t'. He talk at me, he will be sorry. He touch me, he will be more sorry. I will not be stupid, I will not make trouble of myself because of him. But he will not like how I do react at him.
And I send it at someone else. I send copy of letter at another person, someone I used to train with, who is still with him. I say that I do not know that these things happen at him, but that they happened at me, and maybe it explain some things at him. This is not someone I am close friends of, we know each other long time and even now, we talk some, but is not so much. But I send it at him also, because it is maybe it happens at him also, and I want him to know that I know of it, that he can talk at me if need.
This is it. This is what I do, where I am. I DO things to help me now, I tell more people of this, I get on medicines, I go with therapist. I work at it, I do the books, I talk more of it some. I am NOT letting it just go by, I AM taking responsibility of it, to make it better, to fix it, to take back control.
So, when does it get easier?
Leosha
I will have occasion to have to see the person who sexually abused me, will have to see him October 3. It is not private, it is not one to one thing, it will be at sport competition. But, since I leave of training with him, when I see him at competitions, he make a point always to say rude things at me, or to even touch me. This will not happen again.
I write letter at him. I do not know where feelings of it come from, because they are not as I feel. I write it somehow as someone strong, who not longer has fear of him, even though I do. I write it as I have no worries of him, that he not total change my life and character and make me scared and panic and lose of sleep. I not let him know what he still does at me, how I always still have his voice in head, how I still smell him when I train, how I still feel what he did at me in the dreams and the flashbacks and the body memories. I do not tell him that I cut and burn myself for him, or that I try kill myself for him. I not tell him that to be sick from memories of him make me so sick I go in hospital two times. I not tell him of how much my life he takes of me, how much of what maybe would be now. Because, all that not matter, right? Beside of that, I not want to give him more to use against of me. I not want him to know that he still scares sh*t out of me, wake or sleep, and to work so much of this make me sick.
So instead, somehow, there are words in it, of 'you do not win this', 'you not hurt me again', 'you will pay'. How he will pay? I do not have courage to speak of it to authorities. But I do decide that it will happen. When I am some better of this and stronger of this, he will pay, because I will tell of this. It is not meaningless threat I tell at him, I do mean that I do that someday.
And I send it at him, I sent it today. So that he will know that when he see me in few months, it will not be 'same old sh*t'. He talk at me, he will be sorry. He touch me, he will be more sorry. I will not be stupid, I will not make trouble of myself because of him. But he will not like how I do react at him.
And I send it at someone else. I send copy of letter at another person, someone I used to train with, who is still with him. I say that I do not know that these things happen at him, but that they happened at me, and maybe it explain some things at him. This is not someone I am close friends of, we know each other long time and even now, we talk some, but is not so much. But I send it at him also, because it is maybe it happens at him also, and I want him to know that I know of it, that he can talk at me if need.
This is it. This is what I do, where I am. I DO things to help me now, I tell more people of this, I get on medicines, I go with therapist. I work at it, I do the books, I talk more of it some. I am NOT letting it just go by, I AM taking responsibility of it, to make it better, to fix it, to take back control.
So, when does it get easier?
Leosha
