Let the healing begin

Let the healing begin

savage_sid

Chatroom Moderator
Staff member
I've been married for over 20 years, have 3 fantastic kids.

Over the past 10 years or so, my relationship with my wife has been suffering; the past couple years saw a bit of an acceleration, she stopped sleeping in our bedroom, grew more distant. We were still friendly, but more roommates than a couple. We're both dedicated to raising our kids, and enjoy some time together, but the romance is completely dead.

A few months ago she asked me to move out. Not to separate, just to give her some space. I refused; there was a lot of negativity, I couldn't quite grasp what she wanted. My wife's description of my behavior seemed quite far off from my experiences; she gave me a book "Stop Hurting The Woman You Love" which was even more baffling - it described abusive relationships, mostly physically abusive, which I definitely have never been.

We decided to try couples' therapy. I also started with a therapist (only had one visit thus far) as the whole thing was quite stressful, as she asked me to move out multiple times.

The couples' therapy, at least, got our communication flowing. I thought we were making pretty good strides, but she was still insistent that I move out. This led me to break down each time, I just couldn't picture leaving my family. I did offer a compromise, to move to a room in the basement, she could have the bedroom, to have some space to herself (she's been sleeping on the sofa in the family room). She refused.

We drove to my office to pick up something of hers that I'd borrowed, and while we were sitting in the car I told her I knew that she was hurting, I knew I was the cause, and I wanted to understand her, to understand her hurt. In her description she mentioned (among other things) that she felt my behavior was tantamount to sexual abuse and coercion. She knew that it wasn't intentional, and that maybe made it even worse, in her mind.

We drove home pretty much in silence and I mulled things over.

I realized that what I had dismissed long ago as not being relevant to me was, in fact, everything wrong with me. I realized that my behaviors maybe had not been normal, or justified, or under my control. My wife was right.

When we got home, in the driveway, I decided it was the time to rip off a big scab and let proper healing start. I disclosed to my wife that I had been the victim of childhood sexual abuse. I told her about my neighbor, a teen who was maybe 4 years older, who abused me when I was 11 or 12, to the best of my recollection. It went on for months, maybe even a couple years, my recollection is hazy as memories of abuse often are, with little snips here and there.

I feel like this admission was a real turning point, both in our relationship, and in my own mental health. My wife has been incredibly open and supportive; a few weeks ago I wasn't certain our marriage would survive. Now I have hope for the future. She's cleaning out her storage room in the basement for me, and when there's space, I'll move downstairs to give her space to heal. I know physical intimacy is still a long way off, and to be honest, I don't know that I'm ready for it anyway - I have a lot of personal healing of my own to do.

Researching this more and more, lots of things start adding up - my generalized anxiety disorder, pelvic floor dysfunction, emotional outbursts, compulsive behaviors, and more. Maybe some of the things that I've dismissed as aspergers (which I'm pretty certain I am) were actually due to the CSA.

I'm also finding out that many of my experiences are not so uncommon amongst the abused; I had felt that I had enjoyed it, that I was at least partly responsible. My fantasies often involved my abuser. And more.

I have a second appointment with my therapist this Friday. It's gonna be... interesting.
I was abused almost 40 years ago. I never told anybody until a couple weeks ago.
It's well past time to let the healing begin.
 
Welcome here. I'm sorry your situation with your wife is so rocky right now, but it sounds like it has taken a positive turn, and that you have taken some positive steps in healing, such as finding a therapist and joining here. I hope that MaleSurvivor can prove to be a helpful tool in your healing from the past. Take good care of yourself.
 
I've been married for over 20 years, have 3 fantastic kids.

Over the past 10 years or so, my relationship with my wife has been suffering; the past couple years saw a bit of an acceleration, she stopped sleeping in our bedroom, grew more distant. We were still friendly, but more roommates than a couple. We're both dedicated to raising our kids, and enjoy some time together, but the romance is completely dead.

A few months ago she asked me to move out. Not to separate, just to give her some space. I refused; there was a lot of negativity, I couldn't quite grasp what she wanted. My wife's description of my behavior seemed quite far off from my experiences; she gave me a book "Stop Hurting The Woman You Love" which was even more baffling - it described abusive relationships, mostly physically abusive, which I definitely have never been.

We decided to try couples' therapy. I also started with a therapist (only had one visit thus far) as the whole thing was quite stressful, as she asked me to move out multiple times.

The couples' therapy, at least, got our communication flowing. I thought we were making pretty good strides, but she was still insistent that I move out. This led me to break down each time, I just couldn't picture leaving my family. I did offer a compromise, to move to a room in the basement, she could have the bedroom, to have some space to herself (she's been sleeping on the sofa in the family room). She refused.

We drove to my office to pick up something of hers that I'd borrowed, and while we were sitting in the car I told her I knew that she was hurting, I knew I was the cause, and I wanted to understand her, to understand her hurt. In her description she mentioned (among other things) that she felt my behavior was tantamount to sexual abuse and coercion. She knew that it wasn't intentional, and that maybe made it even worse, in her mind.

We drove home pretty much in silence and I mulled things over.

I realized that what I had dismissed long ago as not being relevant to me was, in fact, everything wrong with me. I realized that my behaviors maybe had not been normal, or justified, or under my control. My wife was right.

When we got home, in the driveway, I decided it was the time to rip off a big scab and let proper healing start. I disclosed to my wife that I had been the victim of childhood sexual abuse. I told her about my neighbor, a teen who was maybe 4 years older, who abused me when I was 11 or 12, to the best of my recollection. It went on for months, maybe even a couple years, my recollection is hazy as memories of abuse often are, with little snips here and there.

I feel like this admission was a real turning point, both in our relationship, and in my own mental health. My wife has been incredibly open and supportive; a few weeks ago I wasn't certain our marriage would survive. Now I have hope for the future. She's cleaning out her storage room in the basement for me, and when there's space, I'll move downstairs to give her space to heal. I know physical intimacy is still a long way off, and to be honest, I don't know that I'm ready for it anyway - I have a lot of personal healing of my own to do.

Researching this more and more, lots of things start adding up - my generalized anxiety disorder, pelvic floor dysfunction, emotional outbursts, compulsive behaviors, and more. Maybe some of the things that I've dismissed as aspergers (which I'm pretty certain I am) were actually due to the CSA.

I'm also finding out that many of my experiences are not so uncommon amongst the abused; I had felt that I had enjoyed it, that I was at least partly responsible. My fantasies often involved my abuser. And more.

I have a second appointment with my therapist this Friday. It's gonna be... interesting.
I was abused almost 40 years ago. I never told anybody until a couple weeks ago.
It's well past time to let the healing begin.
I'm so thankful to hear things are beginning to start to improve with your marriage and I'm so sorry to hear about your abuse. It amazes me about how some of the things in your life resonate with mine (anxiety, hazy about when my abuse happened, ...).

Good luck with your therapy and your family. :) Stay strong.
 
Wow! Thanks for sharing your story. It's so similar to mine except that my marriage didn't survive. My ex wife doesn't know about my CSA and is now remarried. I interacted with her in many similar ways to what you've described and hearing your story makes me sad. I had pushed my abuse down so deep that I didn't even recognize the connection between my marriage issues and what happened over 30 years ago. I want to tell her, but don't know if that's right. Might be a conversation we have down the road as we are still connected through co-parenting. I'm very new to this forum, just sharing my intro yesterday, and I'm finding strength each day, reading these stories so similar to mine, that I've found a safe place to heal. I'm hopeful for you and your wife and how she has responded to you so far. I'm hopeful for myself as well, for the first time in many ways. I've lived alone inside so long and that's starting to change. Keep opening up and sharing, here, with your wife and those trusted people you've found. I'm committed to doing the same.
 
@savage_sid, @G2Buddy, and @HealingLink - guys, so glad you all are here. And that you all are starting your healing journeys. Ther is no quick fix, recovery of what was lost won’t happen, but healing much of what was hurt, stolen, and lost is possible. In addition, it is possible to be and do things previously not possible (like learning how to be intimate). And on the flip side, it is possible to not be and do things that have plagued you your whole lives. This is a long, hard road, but you are not alone
 
@Dre: Thanks for the kind words. This looks like a very welcoming community.

@G2Buddy: Yeah, reading others' stories and symptoms resonates so strongly that it leaves no doubt in my mind that the abuse was the root cause. It explains a lot.

@HealingLink: I'm so sorry that your marriage didn't survive. I hope you find the strength to open up with her, and I hope you find her supportive and understanding. My wife was very confused about me because my behavior was so contradictory to my core being - she knew I wasn't intentionally being this way, but with no explanation it was confusing and stressful -- I was unpredictable in certain ways. Now that she knows there's a reason behind it, there is greater understanding. It doesn't excuse anything, and I'm very sorry for how I behaved in the past, but now that I understand myself better, I feel like there is a path.

@MO-Survivor: Thanks for the encouragement.
 
I've been married for over 20 years, have 3 fantastic kids.

Over the past 10 years or so, my relationship with my wife has been suffering; the past couple years saw a bit of an acceleration, she stopped sleeping in our bedroom, grew more distant. We were still friendly, but more roommates than a couple. We're both dedicated to raising our kids, and enjoy some time together, but the romance is completely dead.

A few months ago she asked me to move out. Not to separate, just to give her some space. I refused; there was a lot of negativity, I couldn't quite grasp what she wanted. My wife's description of my behavior seemed quite far off from my experiences; she gave me a book "Stop Hurting The Woman You Love" which was even more baffling - it described abusive relationships, mostly physically abusive, which I definitely have never been.

We decided to try couples' therapy. I also started with a therapist (only had one visit thus far) as the whole thing was quite stressful, as she asked me to move out multiple times.

The couples' therapy, at least, got our communication flowing. I thought we were making pretty good strides, but she was still insistent that I move out. This led me to break down each time, I just couldn't picture leaving my family. I did offer a compromise, to move to a room in the basement, she could have the bedroom, to have some space to herself (she's been sleeping on the sofa in the family room). She refused.

We drove to my office to pick up something of hers that I'd borrowed, and while we were sitting in the car I told her I knew that she was hurting, I knew I was the cause, and I wanted to understand her, to understand her hurt. In her description she mentioned (among other things) that she felt my behavior was tantamount to sexual abuse and coercion. She knew that it wasn't intentional, and that maybe made it even worse, in her mind.

We drove home pretty much in silence and I mulled things over.

I realized that what I had dismissed long ago as not being relevant to me was, in fact, everything wrong with me. I realized that my behaviors maybe had not been normal, or justified, or under my control. My wife was right.

When we got home, in the driveway, I decided it was the time to rip off a big scab and let proper healing start. I disclosed to my wife that I had been the victim of childhood sexual abuse. I told her about my neighbor, a teen who was maybe 4 years older, who abused me when I was 11 or 12, to the best of my recollection. It went on for months, maybe even a couple years, my recollection is hazy as memories of abuse often are, with little snips here and there.

I feel like this admission was a real turning point, both in our relationship, and in my own mental health. My wife has been incredibly open and supportive; a few weeks ago I wasn't certain our marriage would survive. Now I have hope for the future. She's cleaning out her storage room in the basement for me, and when there's space, I'll move downstairs to give her space to heal. I know physical intimacy is still a long way off, and to be honest, I don't know that I'm ready for it anyway - I have a lot of personal healing of my own to do.

Researching this more and more, lots of things start adding up - my generalized anxiety disorder, pelvic floor dysfunction, emotional outbursts, compulsive behaviors, and more. Maybe some of the things that I've dismissed as aspergers (which I'm pretty certain I am) were actually due to the CSA.

I'm also finding out that many of my experiences are not so uncommon amongst the abused; I had felt that I had enjoyed it, that I was at least partly responsible. My fantasies often involved my abuser. And more.

I have a second appointment with my therapist this Friday. It's gonna be... interesting.
I was abused almost 40 years ago. I never told anybody until a couple weeks ago.
It's well past time to let the healing begin.
Welcome! Much of what you describe is not uncommon. I'm sorry for the struggles you've been having in your marriage & hope things continue to improve with therapy & now that she knows about your CSA. Telling my wife after nearly 19 years of marriage (two kids) was really difficult so I know it took courage for you to do that as well. Congrats on taking those steps & I would encourage you to stay on that path to confronting & healing from your past trauma. You deserve it!
 
Thanks for the kind words, @Hiding from Myself. I hope you're doing better now.

This abuse has been a part of me for 40 years, I just never saw it. It will continue to be a part of me, but it won't have that same power over me. It's going to be a struggle and a challenge, but the only way forwards is through.
 
savage_sid, Welcome, I hope you find that MS can be helpful in your journey. I hate to sound like a broken record , but my story with my wife is very similar as yours. I had denied
my CSA for 40 plus years. My marriage was in dire straights. We started Therapy with my wife making the appointment. I didn’t realize
how difficult I was to live with! I’m so glad you and your wife are getting help! Just recognizing the severity of damage, from the abuse is huge! I wish you the best on your journey to bring you more understanding and clarity. LRD
 
Thank your for sharing and sending me this. I appreciate your transparency and understand your hurt. My wife knows about my CSA as of almost a year ago. though I'm not proud of how I told her. I am still having a very hard time feeling safe and remembering that nothing can happen to me now when I try to tell people about what happened. I am hoping being here, reading stories like yours and sharing mine a bit more I will be able to process my fear and overcome it.
 
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