lessons learned about self, and those we loved

[theo]

folks,
it has been a long time since i was able to be here on this forum. so much has happened in the last several months. i wanted to share something that i have had to learn with all of you here so that it might help someone, somewhere. below is part of my journal entry. i trust it is self explanatory. feel free to comment or inquire about the insights, if any, though i would sincerely appreciate no discussion of details. it is the insights of bitter lessons i want to share. it is both an apology to those lost, and an acceptance of my own role in what happened. it is also a gift to those who can use it for the journeys they share with those they love. take care, all.

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Neither is more guilty than the other. That is not what is so bitter. What is so bitter is that the death of the relationship, of the love, was bound to happen because of our individual blindness. LT and Former Wife left because at some level they finally recognized that. There are individual circumstances that distinguish them, but the bottom line is they were able to recognize it at some level. We were no longer a couple. I never could have done what they did because I never would have been able to recognize the truth unless I was broadsided by it. Even then, I would have fought it. I felt they had both given up and abandoned me. They didnt. They recognized the truth, even if they could not clearly articulate it.

The pain and confusion I felt over both were real. I could never find closure till I could see the truth. There is no blame to be leveled. There are no answers to be discerned. It simply happened because we went our separate ways while within the relationship and neither could see or hear the other anymore. There is no other way it could have played once that happened, without the intervention I keep harping about that never happened. Our individual reactions to the event were what determined what followed for our individual paths. It was our individual choices based on fragmented scripts of our unique pasts that charted the aftermath, not the preceding events of the ending. It was our choice of how we interpreted the event that determined the aftermath for each of us.

There is now a choice, in light of the truth, of what to do from here. My role in the death of both relationships was equal to theirs. It was not the individual histories, though they complicated the situation, it was simple human weakness that polarized us. This happens. There is no fault. There is no blame. There is only the future in light of the truth now perceived. I can accept the realistic responsibility for my role in what happened now. I can now accept that it would have happened anyway because none of us were able to see the truth in time. Now, I have a choice of whether to build something new, or retain the old. Now, I can grieve, without the complications of fragmented scripts. We did love each other. I can accept that for the truth it is, now.

 

[Caetel]

I am sorry to hear your pain, I am so sorry.
I have done a lot of thinking about relationship too but for me, there is still a mystery about the love two people can share and the building of something long lasting and yet simple and true.
I am in awe of that mystery, so I have to acknowledge the simple truth: "I know nothing" and I have to carry on.
love and hug
Caro
ps: I will be a bit more present in the next few days but don't hesitate to write.

 

[PAS]

Originally posted by theo:
There is no fault. There is no blame. There is only the future in light of the truth now perceived. I can accept the realistic responsibility for my role in what happened now. I can now accept that it would have happened anyway because none of us were able to see the truth in time. Now, I have a choice of whether to build something new, or retain the old. Now, I can grieve, without the complications of fragmented scripts. We did love each other. I can accept that for the truth it is, now.

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

I feel so bad for you..its never easy to lose someone, and especially when one is an abuse survivor we are people who need SO MUCH support and SO MUCH love, and we often wind up losing relationships until we become aware of how we are interacting and learn new ways to interact better.

I 've been in the same situation as you a few times. I was with someone for 4 years and then another person for 5. I almost married both of them. I loved them incredibly. But alas I had to learn the hard lessons of how my own abuse history was playing out in my life and in how I related to them, and I unfortunately had to learn those lessons the hard way. And eventually I had to let the pain and guilt and shame of what I did and what I contributed to the breakup behind me and not let it drag me down. It dragged on me for so long.. I also allowed it to fuel the erroneous belief that I had about myself that I was unloveble and unworthy, but I eventually found it within me to let it go.. for the sake of my OWN mental health. Somewhere along the way I learned to love and value MYSELF.....

I bet *all* my money on you building something new, with the freedom of passing through grief to the other side, the wisdom of hindsight and strength of new awareness of yourself and your recovery leading you towards something more healthy and more whole - whatever that may be!!!!!!!!

 

[SAR]

theo,

You are doing some heartbreaking and excellent thinking, and I hope it is helping you as much as it will surely help others reading.

Thank you,
SAR

 

[theo]

caetel, pas, and sar,
thank you, all three. this was painful for me to post here, as i know you three understand. each of you has contributed so much to my own sense of balance that has been precarious at times in light of recent events.

it hurts, i cannot deny that if i tried. however, what we learn through this journey, and apply, is important. i hope to be able to do this. you know what you what you have done to help me. thank you, for the support, and the legit observations. it is a long road. the journey seems insurmountable at times...but we all learn. the balance i continue to seek is tentative, for now, but it is a start.