I have been thinking a lot about the child pornography aspects of my abuse lately. And I had a dawning realization today that the images and videos of my abuse will very likely exist in this world long after I have physically died. That these visual echoes of my abuse, the memorialization of it, will last well beyond me myself. They could exist indefinitely or as long as servers or the internet itself exists.

Ive done a lot of pondering lately about the legacy of the abuse itself upon me as a person. All of those effects, some of which still linger to this day. But, I have never really given much thought to the type of legacy that I want to leave before I myself pass away from this world.

I dont have children, and likely never will. My family itself and my group of friends is very small. So my thoughts have turned to what can I do, in action or words, to leave some sort of legacy? The easy answer seems to be to write something meaningful to me, since I am a writer. I have thought maybe a book of some sort, or a memoir. But, that seems to be a small opposing force to the countless pictures and movies of me being abused. Maybe a website consisting solely of all of the good pictures of myself as boy? Let those more positive images exist on servers indefinitely as well.

So, as I was having this thought today, I thought I would post about it here in this new forum. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions about a good legacy that might in some way counterbalance the abuse and the exploitation, Id love to hear it.


you have given me some heavy thoughts.

i am now wondering how much of my actions and efforts to publish my works has been a subconscious effort to rewrite my public image as "victim".

no matter what i have done, no matter how much fame and success i have achieved... the name of my rapist will always be much more recognized than mine. that really bothers me. people are much more interested in his career as a serial killer, than they are in my artistic expressions as a survivor.
he is famous, i am anonymous. the media treat victims like extras, while they focus on the criminal "star". the guy who raped me thrived on public attention. he was always in the news, and the media had some morbid fascination with his evil.

kind of like...
unimaginable suffering of millions of unknown victims = Hitler

no one knows the names of Alexander the Great's butchered foot soldiers.

legacy. history. those are dangerous words, i think.

yes, sir, toddop, you have really given me something to think about.
Todd, I feel it is some what strange that you bring up this very topic because I have been obsessing to some degree on the same exact issue.

I have come to the conclusion that those pictures and videos taken of me are already out there and will remain out there and there's absolutely nothing that I can do about that. It is a Cold and hard realization, but it is the truth!

However, I have also been trying to view it differently. For instance, if or when someone views/sees those images, they won't pick me out by name, nor would they care. All they will see is a boy being abused. If they are viewing them illegally or for there on gratification, I highly doubt that their motivation is to Identify the ppl on the images/movies.
I would be lying if I said that the issue of those images being "out there," didn't bother me and the issue has been ailing me for some time now.

As to having a legacy, I do not think that those images taken of me directly influence my personal regards to what I leave to this world when I pass on.
I have always believed that one's legacy is comprised of what they have given back to the world in there own way. And, therefore what they will be remembered for by those closest to them and to other ppl whose lives they may have touch or aided in some way.

I hope this helps you and good luck on finding your own resolution to this dilemma.
Todd, Logan, and anyone else who was abused through photography:

here is a thought that occurred to me that might bring a small glimmer of comfort.

if images of you are found on some pedophile's computer or in their possession in another form, that could be used as evidence against them to prompt an arrest and conviction. in that case, your photo would be a silent witness against them - testifying of their crime - and also of the original crime of your abuse that was recorded.

it may not seem like much - but it is a possibility. and it is further possible that there have been arrests and convictions that included your photos as evidence already. there may be perverts in prison today because of those photos.

Hey Todd

Legacy - Like my T had been telling me for a while that I should volunteer and get involved in some organization that specialize in helping abused or homeless youth. If you can't work with kids because they freak you out like they do me then work in the kitchen or any other thing along those lines. There are millions of volunteers that nobody knows about and that's their own personal legacy.

One doesn't have to be involved with the kids themselves which brings up an analogy. People keep asking me that since I was in the USAF what type of plane did I fly. I would tell them not everyone flies airplanes someone has to change the tires or wash and buff the floors in the buildings. Not everyone flies the biggest and baddest planes.

I have great non-abused and never punished by hitting kids and grandkids and since I was was never really in their lives I think that legacy belongs to my wife. But in order for me to feel good I have to be involved in something that I was exposed to (CSA) and which my family has never been exposed to.

When I think about "my" legacy it has nothing to do with anyone else but me. I have to feel good about me, I have to do something that needs to be done to help kids and nobody has to know squat about it except me. I have to feel like I finally did something useful in this world, even if only one kid gets a decent meal I would be happy. I don't mean that giving $10 to some organization is not a great legacy but I have to strive to make personal time available and help some kid(s) in need.

I want to help save the life of a kid and no one should know anything about it. That is my dream to be able to help some kid not to harm himself in any way and give him a chance at a normal life.

I'm still hoping for that but at the moment all I am officially a full time drunk, where my T has suggested I go to AA, so as an adult I'm a drunk and as a kid I was a full time shit.

Todd, get involved, save a life, that would be the best legacy in my weird opinion.

I hope my name is not the last post on this thread.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff, your in luck, your post will not be the last post on his thread!!!

I highly agree in helping those kids that that are in harms way as street kids. their job is extraordinarily Dangerous and trying to help them get off of the the street would be a very noble cause!!!

Since many of you know what they are going through and go through on a daily basis, you are in a very unique position to help many off them to choose a different path in life and in a way safe their lives in the process!

This cause could be your legacy that few other's are qualified to enact upon.

you guys have the experience and the knowledge of where a lifestyle like this ends up.

you guys could be the one to change some of their lives around knowing what the kids are up against and perhaps you could be the only ones to intervene and be the intervention that they need to change their lives around, considering your extensive, relatable histories!

Just think about it. You may be able to save many kids lives from the suffering that may of us have endured!!!

Thanks guys for all of your feedback and support around this issue.

Victor I think we survivors are always rewriting the story to some extent. But, I dont think it is a wasted effort at all. Our stories were hijacked in a way by our perps, so it makes sense that we would seek to write our stories with our own pens going forward. Your perp may have gotten more of the limelight, but what is he viewed as? I dont think he is a superstar, but more infamous and somebody known because of his own abhorrent behavior and as a depraved outlier to the rest of society. I know it seems unfair, but I am glad you dont have his stigma and legacy to bear. I would much prefer the survivor label and anonymity, I think. I am glad you are here with us among other survivors to share your story, thoughts, and feelings. Your words give me a great deal to think about.

Logan I have also come to the same conclusion that I can do nothing about the pictures and films that are out there. I dont think anyone will be able to ID me, necessarily. I think as you mention, the likelihood is very small, if not impossible. Although I must admit I do have a strange fear of exposure, which seems to run counter to that. I feel exposed, and naked, and vulnerable. They are the feelings that I had when the pictures and films were taken, all sublimated internally. When I think of those images, those feelings are released like gases from hidden pockets under my skin. So, even though it isnt rational, these feelings do come up and permeate me and my feelings about the pornography. I appreciated your thoughts on legacy. I do agree that legacy is what we leave to the world when we pass on. Thanks for summing that up so clearly. And for your kind words and support.

Lee Thanks for bringing up such an important angle to the images and films. It is true, and I have used it before as an argument to myself. It could help convict some perp out there. But, I feel it is equally likely that the same images could be used to create new perps, move perp from viewer to actual abuser, or used by a perp to entice or normalize sexual relations between men and young boys. I wonder if those two divergent possibilities eventually balance each other out or negate the use of it as a legacy for me. Thank you for reminding me of that though and it does hearten me. It is definitely worth exploring and I am glad you reached out.

Jeff Thanks for your response. I think your kids are a very important part of your legacy. You were a part of them growing up without abuse, even if you downplay it. You helped create that life and that environment for them. You provided for it. Ive actually thought a bit about doing work with kids. I am not sure what shape it will take. I do give regularly out of each paycheck to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children. I discussed this a bit with my T. We talked about possibly getting training and serving as a Victims Advocate for kids that are pursuing legal charges against their perps. Or even working with adult male survivors in the same capacity. I hope you realize your dream to help save the life of kid also. I do think it is a strong counter to the legacy of abuse and exploitation. But, you are right that first you must save yourself before turning to other kids in need. I have complete confidence in you and your ability to do that. I am rooting for you.

And Logan, thanks for your encouragement around Jeffs suggestions. I too agree that helping change the lives of others is a strong response and potential legacy.

Again, thanks to all of you guys. Your words have really touched me and contributed to my ongoing thoughts about my own legacy. I have to admit I dont know where I am going with this. I still feel this is unresolved in some way internally. Like I have gotten close to scratching the itch, but not got to the itch itself, if you know what I mean. But, I am also in no rush to get to a solution. A legacy is a broad issue, and I think I need time to mull this over a bit more to see how to really get resolution on this issue.

But, I want to be active. So, I am going to try a few things, and see if that helps me to feel some resolution around it. I think only by trying a few things, will I actually be able to see how it feels and see how my thinking evolves around this. I havent discounted writing, I havent discounted any of the sage advice you have all offered. I am absorbing it all, and hopefully getting stronger, and getting a better sense of direction around these ideas. If I do come to any resolution, or scratch that itch, I will definitely post about it here. Id love it if you guys do the same.
Hey Victor - I just wanted to mention that newspapers thrive on shootings and killings. Nice stories are hidden someplace inside the paper starting at page 10. The only way someone makes the front page is as the murderer or the murdered. It's the same thing with say charity. You always hear about the guy who gives millions of dollars to an organization but you never hear about the grass roots people who donates $10 a month because they can't afford more. I give to a couple of charities and I would like to think I make a difference. You would never see some one like me in a newspaper unless I jumped off a bridge.

Todd & Logan - I don't think that anyone else would be able to ID one's self from pictures on the net. I've said many a time that I can do a simple Google search and come up with old pictures of myself. Those pictures freak me out because they put me in a time and place. With the pictures that I have seen of myself which I don't think would be considered porn because I'm in some sort of a bathing suit. But it does put me in that studio where those pictures were taken and if these pictures are out there then someplace closer to hell there are pictures taken that I or anyone else should ever want to see. Reading and watching documentaries of pedos having hundreds of thousands of CSA pics I know that the couple of thousand pictures taken of me is only a drop in the bucket.

I do have a somewhat of a problem worrying that somebody will out me but I don't think it is something realistic to worry about. The real issues I have with my photos being out there and I still remember so many of them being taken. Some pictures and movies I was made to do under threat of death but the majority of the photo shoots was just part of the game I was involved in. I better stop this line of thought because it's starting to trigger me.

What I wanted to say to Todd and anyone else who wants to help kids I would say go for it. Just imagine being able to save even just one kid that has the same background as any of you had. Saving a kid from committing suicide or just growing up the way we all did along with all the same issues. To save a kid from a drug fueled life of despair. To help a kid beat the odds of becoming a statistic that shows street kids on average have a shelf life of only 30 years. One good friend of mine made it only to 20. My best friend who was in school till the age of 10 had no education and by the time I would see him on leave from the USAF looked young like me but looked very used up. By the time I got out of the service at 21 he really didn't look good. his older brother who was my age looked even worse as did the fourth kid in our apartment.

I'm talking too much again. I really only wanted to say that being able to save a kid from the street or a dysfunctional home is really were it's at. It's the best present you can give to a child.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope


All good thoughts. How about hunting down every mother fucker who points a camera at a vulnerable kid on a child porn set?
You can immortalize yourself forever like Simon Wiesenthal,
the holocaust survivor who became famous by hunting down Nazi's for the rest of his life. All of us should be hunting these fuckers down and turn them over to police.


I hope that you remember that all the posts you have made here at MS serve as your legacy as well. They will last on the internet long after your have passed on. Any survivor who joins MS will be able to read your writings and be touched by your wisdom and love. You will continue to help others and help others heal for perpetuity. That will be your legacy. I don't know if you realize it or not, but the writings you contemplate doing are being written already. This will continue to shape your legacy. The men that read your writing will be helped. Hopefully they will always remember you. Maybe they'll speak well of you -how you touched them and how you have helped them. This will continue to prove that good can and will always triumph over evil. Good luck to you Todd.

hey Todd

I've been thinking about this legacy bit for a long time. I doubt that anyone who would look at your pictures or videos could realize that that kid that's being abused is you. At least that's the way I feel. I also think that anyone that recognizes you in one of those situations would ever say anything to you about it because WTF is he doing looking at child porn and second you could always tell the guy that it's only a good resemblance.

I don't think that it affects me anymore that someone could out me from my all the photos and movies that were made of me. If anyone who knows that I'm in one of those pictures or movies I would spit in his face and call him a pervert and as the lovable leader of N. Korea always says the "scum of the earth" in the middle of Grand Central Station. I would then turn him into the police and make sure that it makes the front page of all the newspapers in NY.

A book would be a nice endeavor since you say you are a writer. I have read a number of book of people have written about their lives as a porn star and how much trouble he had growing up having gone through that shit. I have also read a number of book of carers who have taken care of kids that were abused, how they got dragged into that world of shit and how he lived through it. I think that the more books that are out there and the more people who read these books they will realize that this shit really happens possibly to the "next door".

The Sandusky, Boy Scout and Priest scandals have been on the forefront of showing that a lot of kids are really being abused. I've been seeing that story about sexual abuse has been making it to page two of newspapers even though the majority of stories are of girls.

On one hand the newspapers reporting on sexual abuse is definitely good education we have to start seeing the same abuse being reported on about boys also. If the stats that I read are correct that one in three girls and 1 in 5 boys is correct then there should be more stories of boys in the papers which I don't see in the majority of NY newspapers.

I would think that a book about my abuse would show how easy a child can fall into the hands of someone he loves and looks up to. It would also show what the child goes through being a "model". But I think that more down to earth for me would be to help children in some kind of capacity that were abused. For me it would probably be cooking or some kind of help not directly in contact with these kids.

My cooking credentials go like this. when I was 14 and home alone. I wanted to eat some hard boiled eggs so I took a dozen eggs from the fridge threw them into a pot, boiled them for 3 minutes, opened one up only to find a gooey mass of goop. I threw all those eggs out and took this time only 6 eggs and boiled them this time for 4 minutes. Again all I got was a gooey mess. So I put on my thinking cap and tried to figure out how my mother made hard boiled eggs. The the light went off in my head and I remembered that my mother always took the eggs out of the fridge the same way jello is made. I wanted them that night so I put them in the freezer and of course forgot about them. When my mother came back from Florida a couple of months later she found the eggs and asked me what was this supposed to be. I told her I was making hard boiled eggs. She laughed so hard while telling me how stupid that was and how I couldn't even make hard boiled eggs. But at least she laughed while cursing me out.

Even if it's not cooking I could help in some other kind of way. I just have to get past the issues of being outed as a prostitute. So if you are a writer then write about your experiences and if not then try and find some way to help children or adults that were abused as children. That might just be getting really involved here on MS trying to help people get past their past.

((((( Love and Peace to everyone )))))

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope


Todd, we care about you and coming from me (as we have communicated with one another), you have left an impact on me and I will never forget you.

Victor-Victim, I think some of the lack of victim naming is also done to give victims their privacy and in the case of child victims (as it is with underage offenders of all sorts of crime) it is often times against the law in many jurisdictions to reveal identities. But at the same time, perhaps this can be seen as an advantage to victims: do you want your victimhood to define you and be your legacy? I know I don't and I would much rather be free from it. While of course the victimization is a part of our personal stories- and indeed we are entitled to have our grievances and trauma acknowledged- it is not all that we are.

Instead, I think as others have indicated here, we should focus our attention on the positive legacies that define us. As Dave as stated, what we write here is read by other and in many ways will offer others comfort and support. Perhaps it will enlighten others on our specific struggles and circumstances. I really am a firm believer that I am destined to use my own story and struggles to motivate me to help others.
i know this is an old post - but it hit me. What i finally started doing to make a difference is i started a blog. i began just posting some of my older stuff from my journal. Some was heavy some not. Anyway, it's progressed to where i've started writing about "me". Today. Still not a lot, but it's a change. And what makes it best is people leaving comments on my stuff saying how much it helped and they thought they were the only one feeling that way and that kinda stuff.
Anyway - another idea.
Hey JayBro

I kept coming back to your last post here which quotes Dave because of what you say about helping others. I agree that what I write could in some way help someone else, I would sure hope so in my case. What I write here is only known by a few people outside of MS, my wife and one friend.

So so far this is not the legacy that I would somehow like to leave with my kids or others at home who know me. I would love to in some way help abused kids. Here I'm anonymous and it lets me tell my story. It has at least helped me reading other guys posts. Telling my story here on MS has helped me to put together the puzzle of my story.

Listening to stories from others and having a great T and shrink over the last couple of years has helped me so much and I have to thank everyone here on MS and especially the guys who I constantly PM with.

Today one of my sons and his wife and 2 kids aged 7 and 4 came here for a visit from Florida. I have a son that lives in the apartment above me with their 4 children the oldest boy being 9 years old. Also 2 of my unmarried kids came over also and we had a big meal and BS session. My wife had told me to try and stay with the group and not go down to my dungeon. After we all ate we went into the backyard for more BS and watch the kids play. I have to say I was very heavily medicated but it is the first time since I came out of the USAF in '71 that I let a kid sit on my lap. I never held any of my 6 children, never did homework with them or played catch or even just roll around on the grass. This afternoon around 5pm my 9 year old grandson came and sat down on my lap outside in the backyard and started talking to me and me to him. I looked him in his face and watched his mouth open and close, I saw his teeth and tongue, I saw his eyes, his hair. He then turned around facing away from me and grabbed my hands and held them across his chest like I was hugging him. It only lasted 5-10 minutes or so before he went back to the other kids but I started to cry. My daughter in law asked if I was OK and I said yes that it must be an allergy. I felt like a child who was never allowed to have ice cream but finally after all these years I got 5 or 10 minutes with an ice cream cone. Yes I was a mental wreck and it felt like all my strength went out of me and now I'm cutting.

So this is the power of helping one another here on MS with what people say and explain their hurts and journeys.

I have to stop now because I'm still trying to translate what had just happened about 2 hours ago. I'm pretty wrecked and trying to cope with what just went on.

((((( THANKS )))))

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope
Jeff, my brother,

Shalom, Shalom. I just read your latest post & have many emotions about it.
I'll save the soap box for another time & you know how I feel about it.

Yes, my brother, Jeff I keep telling you to be kind & gentle on yourself.

Yes, my brother, Jeff I keep offering my Compassion, understanding, love & hope for you.

NO, my brother, Jeff these are not just empty words.
They come from the depths of my heart & soul to you.

Be kind & gentle on yourself. Keep yourself safe.

Shalom, my brother, Shalom.
'till I hear from you by any means necessary.
Compassion, understanding, love & hope for my brother, Jeff.
I've come back to this thread many times trying to find something to say that I could claim as part of my legacy. I see that I cannot claim anything good that was totally my doing that I could claim as something I did all by myself. Everything leads to my abuse no matter which way the road turns.

If I can't help children then it really doesn't matter if I'm here or not. I can't seem to see any good that I do. These days I just go to work come home and go straight into my dungeon. It feels like I'm just waiting for the grim reaper.

If I take an average of what I was and what I am my legacy would be that of a shitty little hustler. I say that because when I was around 23 I got out of the game and moved north of Manhattan into Rockland county. I knew nobody and nobody knew anything about me. I kept it that way till 2011 when I fell apart walking through the village. Besides the people here on MS who have heard some of my story but you still don't know me. I opened up to a couple of people here on MS and who I knew. Of course I opened up to my T so he knows my entire story. I have a shrink who more or less knows my story. I just need the meds he gives me to keep my feet on the ground. So basically I am an unknown entity. All anyone knows about me is that I was a shitty little hustler.

Unlike Toddop I have children who I was never able to connect with them while they were children. My wife did things like homework and other things that a father would normally do but not me because I was too busy hiding.

So at the end of my stay on earth there is nothing to leave over for anyone to look at. No legacy or anything similar. I am still hiding from the world.

I got up this morning ate a yogurt and then went down to my dungeon. I'll go to sleep and then go to work and then come home eat something then go down to my dungeon I do the same thing every day. I bought this house around 37 years ago and I've been in this same room every day. I never changed the way it looks. I looks exactly the same way it was when I bought the house. Never went on a vacation. So bottom line is I will never have a legacy simply because no body will ever know me.

Yeah I wish my life was different but it is what it is and that means no legacy.

Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope

A part of your legacy that you claim that you do not have is right here for YOU & all to see. Read some of your posts over the years that you have been here in MS in trying to help bring a fellow survivor along.1400+posts.

It's no wonder that you feel sad you go down to your (Dungeon) as you call it. Waiting for the grim reaper. A dungeon is a place of torture & death & no hope.

You know just how I feel about that word it's a negative & grim place to be.
On the other hand my fraternal brother try something more uplifting like my BUNKER, a place where you have some protection & hope that you'll survive.

You are in your normal? routine a yogurt then down to your gasp dungeon & once again your "normal" routine. And it's far from trying to come to terms with yourself. It's that "normal routine" for sure. I won't go into that here.
You constantly keep abusing yourself emotionally, mentally & physically. You feel that you are going nowhere in trying to see anything good about yourself. If I say anything good about you, you do not believe it. You are always cutting yourself down & as such you see no hope. And the cycle keeps going around. A shitty little hustler that is what you were forced to do. By intimidation, drugging, torture & threats about your life. Perform or else.

So let me see what I remember positive about you telling me.
A million mile safe driving record as a truck driver.
An Air Force medic trying to help others from Vietnam placed under your care. To recover from their physical wounds and giving them hope to recover. Some did & some didn't. You my fraternal brother helped save lives for those Vietnam troops.

Saving lives, my fraternal brother is a whole lot more to be very proud of. Than like me I was helping to kill them, nothing honorable about that for sure.

Nobody ever told us that coming to terms with our youth was going to be easy. As we all know all to well we might never accomplish that. But try we must.

Oh yes my fraternal brother, Jeff you sure do have a legacy simply because WE know & care for you.

Those words that I say to you almost every day "be kind & gentle on yourself." And now my fraternal brother, Jeff is a very good time to start all over again. I know that you can do it.

Well, my brother, Jeff I wish you well in trying to come to terms with yourself. Being kind & gentle on yourself.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lift him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Like you have said at the end of your posts.
Peace, Rainbows, Love, Healing & Hope. To you and to my fraternal brothers here.

Last edited by a moderator: