learning more.... possible triggers

[SAR]

Hey all,

I have tried to write this post like three times already, written whole paragraphs and then deleted them. I'm just feeling sad and kind of disorganized.

I have never felt this great need to know about my boyfriend's abuse. I have a need to listen and to help him, but I mean, it's not like I'm directing a movie, if he doesn't want to share the wheres and hows that's up to him. All I've ever asked were very broad questions about ages and general stuff about his childhood.

I guess the good news is, he's feeling safer and better able to cope with things, because he's talking and sharing a lot more of how he feels and what he's thinking... including these dreaded details. Don't get me wrong, nothing he says about the past could make me stop loving him or wanting to be there for him. And I know this must be important for him... I feel almost like I am being tested again, like he is trying to see if I can really handle it all, if our love can withstand even the things he's most ashamed to say...

I don't want to let him down, I want to be strong enough to listen and be there for him, I am just afraid that I won't be. And mostly I'm sad... for his sake, I just don't know how there can be any more, it's enough already, it's more than anyone should have to bear already, I just don't know how there's space for more. I feel guilty even for being upset and sick over this. Of course I will listen, of course any small part of this I can take away from him by hearing his pain, I will do it.

There is just some of it I don't know how to process. Some that makes me angry and disgusted at the people who did this, like really sick and shaking. It's like being right back at square one. Some is hard to deal with because I knew him back then... and of course I knew some of the perpetrators too, I just didn't know what they were at the time... I don't have to imagine it, I can put a face and a voice to the things he's telling me about.

 

[reality2k4]

Sar,

I am sorry you are feeling this way, I know how hard it is to post, so many posts of mine I delete, not wanting to hurt, not knowing whether it is good or bad post, not wanting to stir emotions, not wanting to hurt, I delete things that I spend hours typing in, then think, if I only posted that???

Some things in his childhood can really hurt, and he needs to be sometimes the only one who can do it, Why? Because the hurt is so much, it so much to live with, when something like this affects your formative years, and you are left to deal with it as a child, it is so much a difficult sore to heal, believe me, it can be like an open wound that never healed, nobody wanted to know, so maybe he is thinking, but hey you can never get to the hurt I went through.

The hurt is the deepest cut, he may not feel so easy about sharing it, as it has caused so many life problems, problems like thinking, I was not a man to not get over this? My fault!!! again, everything seems to be your fault? Grrrrrrr.....

It is so sad when a childhood is viciously taken away because as kids we never understand the reasond why, and build up a World full of doubt and wrong perception, it hurts many times over as the deception twists our minds, my own perception is of a World of people just wanting to hurt one another, I have to build my World around maybe a missing conception, but it is so hard in the real World.

I was a kid when it happened to me, full of life, it gets blown away with abuse, no-one to care, all alone, it is so hard.

It is the shame, that kids go through, that unfortunately protects the abuser, and victimises the survivor, it is this imbalance, even in a childs mind, where he thinks, I just want to tell you what happened, but no, I don't tell you, why?
Should I trust you when I have been through so many years of hurt, will you let me down, when I tell you?

It really is a deep hurt, a hurt that makes you use a totally different set of rules to the life you were meant to lead, it can make you dissociate with people you love, and just think, hey I live the hurt and nobody helped me, you just can't even identify with the hurt I go through as a vulnerable child, so you have trust problems.

As you said, it is sick, and as a child, I can identify survivor, I can identify with his problems, they can be profound, but if I can help I am here, because I know just how much it seems, that you think you are being the best for him, and he turns you away.

I am deeply sorry, pm me if you need to

I wish it could all go away some day

ste

 

[kolisha54]

I am so sorry to hear this.

Have been having similar feelings myself - I have come to think of it as a sort of intimate "compassion fatigue." Sometimes you just HAVE to get some distance & concentrate on your OWN joys & simple pleasures - the things that enliven and strengthen YOU: and if you don't give yourself this kind of breathing space, you will become angry, resentful, and (yes) passive-aggressive - with punishing expectations for your loved one that will set you BOTH up to feel a sense of failure-futility-frustration. SOme of this "stuff" is so subliminal that you may not even notice it in yourself until a good while later.... and then.... UH OH!!!!

I know I may sound a bit glib - I do not live in the same household with "my" Survivor & I don't have children, either. It is very easy for me to simply "disappear" when I start to feel overwhelmed & "co-victimized," so I really really really apologize if what I am suggesting sounds pret-ty dopey!!!

But I wonder if it would be possible for you to carve out a "Room of Your Own" where you could retreat from time to time????? I think, from things you have posted, that issues of trust between you & bf are a lot more secure now than they have been for a while - maybe you can finally begin to ease off of having to be "vigilant" & "on call" 24/7?????

I KNOW you will find a way to deal with this - with love & concern for BOTH of you!

BIG HUG!!!!

 

[SAR]

Kolisha, I don't know, I don't think that being on call 24/7 is always a bad thing. There are priorities of course and sometimes you have to say no, but I don't think there's anything wrong with being always available for the asking. To me, it is a part of the healthy trust and love we have developed, to be able to say to myself, "It is safe for me to put someone else first, I can choose to put what I need on hold because I believe that later this person will do the same for me," and usually I am not disappointed.

I am a little more clearheaded now and I think can communicate better about all of this... I honestly don't mind being on the listening end of his pain. It is just an experience like no other, to love someone and watch them go through the shame and fear and helplessness all over again as they let go of the secrets... and for a few reasons, with the particular batch of info that's coming to the surface at this time, I believe that he's being extra sensitive to my reactions. That's scary to me too... I never know exactly where the triggers are when he is so raw, and my poker face is not great even when I'm playing cards.

It has just been a trying week.