Learning about Anger

[kolisha54]

Have been re-reading some of my posts here in an attempt to see how much MS has helped me to learn & grow.

Am struck that I appear to have been motivated to write (1) out of concern for others whose predicaments have moved me (2) out of misplaced frustration & anger when my Loved One has been unable to comply with my Demands.

The question is: how do we move beyond anger to that scary place that the anger is protecting us from? How do we admit to ourselves that we feel sad, powerless, overwhelmed with grief for the terrible hurts that have been endured by our Loved Ones, in mourning for all the sweetness that we yearn for from our Loved Ones, horrified at our own self-centeredness & sense of entitlement?

Anger is such a convenient way to disguise all of this.

How do we let go of it?

 

[reality2k4]

J, I dealt with anger so long ago, I put it on the back burner, I had to cos it controlled my life.

Anger is corrosive, it really is, so I no deal with anger, but there is still a whole load of garbage that needs to be dealt with.

Your demands with your loved one maybe totally unconcievable to him, and yes, it does lead to loads of confusion, I met it all my life but it is no my fault.

It is not so easy to *demand* off a guy who has been abused cos he sees it as an extension of abuse, but anyhow I hope it helps, cos its not the right answer,

Anger is masked throughout life, and it hurts to wear this mask sometimes, it really does,

ste

 

[Lloydy]

Kolisha

How do we admit to ourselves that we feel sad, powerless, overwhelmed with grief for the terrible hurts that have been endured by our Loved Ones, in mourning for all the sweetness that we yearn for from our Loved Ones, horrified at our own self-centeredness & sense of entitlement?

I have no doubt at all that what you write there is exactly how you feel, how many other partners feel, and possibly my wife feels. I can see exactly what you mean, but is it what we expect of you?

I don't say this to belittle your obviously genuine feelings and emotions, but do we need two people in the relationship feeling the same stuff?
I know that I felt "sad, powerless, overwhelmed with grief" for myself for a long time, and what I needed was the opposite - someone who was "happy, powerful and looking to the future"

That's pretty much what I got from my wife, but does she deserve an Oscar for the act? I honestly don't know for sure, but I suspect she does.

The same goes for the righteous anger towards our abusers.
Anger is a very negative emotion that takes a lot of energy to maintain, and again if we were both given to displays of anger then I'm sure hers would only have fed mine.
But she's not an angry person anyway, so it wouldn't have been natural for her. She has always been very supportive of my anger when ( I suspect ) she feels it's justified.

But how a partner who is given to more open displays of anger copes I don't know. I just couldn't imagine dealing with CSA if I lived with my mates girlfriend, who's temper is legendary. My guess is 'someone' would be in jail if she was in my wifes situation, and it wouldn't be the perps!

My mate Kirk Wayne is doing anger management at the moment, perhaps he'll add something usefull here?
Dave

 

[Wifey1]

Kolisha,
Good question, and I am not sure that Hubby & I have this whole "anger" thing down pat or right therapeutic way to handle it (the anger at the perps and how the SA effects our lives now)

I know for us personally, we go thru periods where we use a LOT of really SARCASTIC SICK HUMOR, or dark humor between us.

REcently that has been changing, we seem to be apologizing when we do this - we aplogize to each other , but as I have thot about that I think it is because we havent had much "alone together time" - so we are unsure as to where we are in our "triggers" at the time.

I personally believe that my own anger has been at times a very "positive" force in my own healing, & yes have even wanted Hubby to "get really angry enough to throw the dishes in the garage" to get "it" out.

but his anger of course comes out differently & he uses it differently.

Over the last 15 yrs or so our "anger managment" has certainly changed. Now when I feel anger over an issue, I measure my personal meter, how much does this piss me off? Is is enough to cause me to take actions to make change? Is it as we say in our neighborhood crime meetings "on our front porch" , or rather directly effecting our every day life function.

Depending on those answers it depends on whether I choose to "let it go" or take steps to make change. I also weigh in, how much energy I will need to address making the "change" and do I personally "have that to give".

How do we "move beyond" that place of anger. I Know for me personally the only way I have been able to move beyond it is to allow myself some time to "feel it". That is important for me, no matter the issue, sometimes it is just me ranting verbally until some one says, ok either shut up or put up, or its just a "feeling it" until I feel able to answer "rationally" those personal questions I ask myself that I gave examples of above.

I am not sure I have ever gotten myself to or allowed myself to feel that "powerless, scared part" yet? Even with the "grief", I do know that it probably comes it bits and pieces sometimes a big chunk at a time other times a little bit at a time, many times it has been a "duuuh Sammmy how did I miss that?" type of realization.

I know when I watch "sad movies" and I cry, it isnt mainly about the "sad movie" my tears flow, it is the movie that is the catalyst that allows me to "cry for us" , even the "anger" comes out that way , especially if I watch our local city govt mtgs, & evening news.

"horrified at our own self-centeredness & sense of entitlement?" WOW!! can I relate when I get that feeling. I instantly feel SHAME on ME! But hopefully I do move into a stage of forgiving myself for being human and not always being able to be "aware" of what is "immediately on my front porch".

I know for Hubby & I we are in a great stage of change right now. I also know that I have changed in my own healing processing one hell of a lot over the past 15 yrs.

But I also know for me, I have to be careful not to get my mind set up in a trap of "would have , could have, should have's" - that type of thinking is fruitless for me personally.

Healing is a growing process, for not just our survivor partners, but for us as partners as survivors.

I often have to simplify this stuff for myself by reminding myself in this manner... I did NOT know I was allergic to Iodine (shellfish) UNTIL I ate it and had a reaction to it. Sometimes the love of the taste of the shellfish I think about the "price I would pay (migraine)" and then decide if I am willing to pay that price for a short time. BUT, I had to forgive myself FIRST for NOT knowing I was allergic to begin with.

As I said in the beginning sometimes anger for me personally IS a good tool for a short while to either just allow myself to be human and FEEL it, & other times it IS my tool to help me make change that is needed.

Letting Go? for me has only been a process little by little just as healing is for me & then Hubby & I's relationship also.

I hope you understand I am NOT in anyway supporting that ANGER misplaced, misdirected or used in any abusive way is in anyway ok -- I am saying I think it is a Human emotion and as long as it is NOT doing 1)intentional damage 2) having complete control in a situation -- it is really just short term normal emotion, and will pass when it is no longer needed, or no longer has a positive effective,

Just my experience & opinion...
Peace, Sammy

 

[SAR]

To be honest, I get sort of angry at this attitude when I see it in myself

in mourning for all the sweetness that we yearn for from our Loved Ones, horrified at our own self-centeredness & sense of entitlement?

If I feel horrified and ashamed because I'm asking for my partner to contribute some kind of emotional energy, kindness or happiness to the relationship, whose problem is that?

So often I see this self-centered stuff as a mask for my own low expectations... I'm terrible for wanting to be valued and treated the way other partners take for granted WHY?

I recognize the voice that goes through my head when I start thinking this way, "I'm strong enough to handle this treatment/neglect... I can take care of myself... I don't need anyone to look out for me, love me, give me anything, and no one is going to do it anyway." That's not my voice-- someone put it in my head a long time before I ever met my partner, and you know what, when it resurfaces, Damn Right I get angry.

That anger is important. It's only misplaced if I fail to recognize what it's telling me -- time to think clearly and listen to what my own adult voice is saying about boundaries, demands, reasonable expectations for my relationship.

Why are we "yearning" for sweetness? Why don't we just ask for it? Or go find it? Who taught us, tis better to sit around and yearn and mourn than to ask and appear entitled?

Who wouldn't be angry?

 

[Lloydy]

Why are we "yearning" for sweetness? Why don't we just ask for it? Or go find it? Who taught us, tis better to sit around and yearn and mourn than to ask and appear entitled?

Partners should ask us to show we care, we get so wound up in our healing we often neglect the other things in our lives, for a while I had to be told to have a shower!

We might not respond to being asked in the way you might expect, but although partners will almost always make huge allowances for our closing down of 'other normal functions' while we heal, we need to be reminded that there are two people in our relationships.

The problem is, you either get your head chewed off or a big hug.

Dave