Learnin to fly

Learnin to fly
E

endlessjourney

Registrant
I know its hard to let go and just be yourself after everything we've been through. I lived my life being quiet, walking around with a pissed off look on my face to let everyone else know: "not to f##k with me". Being pissed off and shoeing people away is comforting. However, after doing it so much, you tend to see everyone around you, laughing with eachother, loving eachother, and then you realize that you got what you wanted. You are alone now. No one is messing with you anymore. No one too love you, no one to catch you when you fall, no one to laugh with or walk with on a nice day.

The moral is, don't waste your life shutting down on everyone. It's scary to open up but its one of the most rewarding thing any of us survivors can do. Let yourself love. I've wasted too much time with bitterness myself. There is a time to bitter, but then there is a time to let go of it. Don't let a few bad apples in your past spoil the whole batch! There's plenty of evil out there but there are plenty of people out there that want to love you, TRUST ME!

Courage is Freedom!
Jason
 
Jason,

Thats very good advice! It's very difficult to implement but it is well worth the effort! :cool:

Recovery is Possible!

Brian
 
I had a vision about a month ago. I was standing on a hilltop, likely in a castle, looking down the hill. There were many rows of huge fortified walls between me and the bottom of the hill. My closest friends were standing on the other side trying to get my attention. I couldn't get to them and they couldn't get to me.

It is a sobering reminder of where I stand in my recovery and where I need to go.

Steve
 
Right on Steve.

What I just wrote is much easier said than done. I'm still trying to figure it out! I practice smiling more, initiating and joining conversations that I usually wouldn't. Eventually, I found that I have a lot more personality than I gave myself credit for. This is a terrifying point in my life at times. Opening up can be scary but its working. I was asked to be the best man at my cousins wedding and gave a speech in front of the whole family and it turned out great. Talk about nerve racking though. I've been getting up and singing songs with a band at clubs and giving multiple presentations at school confidently. All of which were things I was absolutely terrified of because I was affraid of being judged and ashamed of who I was.

some obstacles seem impossible to beat, but they can be beat with courage, determination, and action. All of us here are living proof of that.

Jason
 
I agree with endlessjourney. I believe it's totally up to us if we want let go of the events that haunt us. Just by simply acting differently in situations that i usually would act the same helped a lot. Whether its smiling, raising a hand to volunteer for something, or talking to people that you wouldnt see yourself talking to. Every step you make to dissipate your fear around certain things or people, marks a substantial increase in your overall level of confidence. And the only way we can do it is by taking action
 
Amen to that brother!

Jason
 
Jay, yes it is easy for us to feel so sorry and neglected, I do, when I meet idiots in life.
Most ppl like me, and I can smile and get the smiles back too.

Its not easy, no way, but in time I hope to make it easier, and just let ppl in again.
Its been a long time, so maybe I can, I dont really know if I can trust any more,

ste
 
well jason you decribed me to a t ...pissed off all of the time..yet i have tried opening up some and you are right it does work...sometimes i resort back and shut myself out thanks steve
 
I had a therapist tell me that a lot of parts of recovery are like rollercoasters. We may reach the top of the hill and be successful, but then we have to come back down for a little bit and feel like Sh@t. How ever, as we go, the dips tend to not to go down as far as they used too. It seems as if things are slowly starting to even out. Opening up, is definitely one of these concepts. Keep trying.

Jason
 
Thwap/Steve-
I was stationed on an icebreaker and we went to Greenland. There's not a lot to do on a small ship and a hell of a lot less in parts of Greenland. We were allowed to go off the ship for a Sunday outing, to climb up onto a glacier.
Off we went in pairs. Got to a point and asked how to get to the ice. Go that way. We did. Got a point where we couldn't go or down and we were at the edge of a cliff. We waved and yelled, no reply. Then the fog came in and we were above it, then it lifted and the rescue party came looking (they count heads on return to ship. One guy sat down to take a rock out of his boot and saw us jumping up and down, yelling. He could do nothing. A copter was sent and we were saved. It takes a third party to save us. We were 1500 ft up from the rocks below!
froggy12
 
Sometimes the rollercoaster gets really nerve wracking.

That icebreaker, whoa, would I love to go on one of them.
One berths in the dock by me, arctic research vessel.

What an adventure :cool:

ste
 
Jason i do exactly today and have been for a long time, what you talk(ed) about in here.I act at times as though i am angry when in fact i am not,this of course keeps people away from me but it also hinders my ability to allow anyone "in" and as a result i am alone again.I realize we as survivors have been through enough in our lives however i really dont know how to let anyone get emotionally close for fear in being hurt all over again and it is something i am desperate to change and yet i still do it.I also know deep within my core self i am able to feel when others are trying to get to know me but i always push them away.Will i ever be able to allow people "in" i have no clue,am i sick of being alone and without, YES i am...i just do not know how to break the vicious cycle after so many years of protecting myself in any way imaginable.To push away is alot better and at least safe then to be pushed away by others at least this way i can therefore once again protect "self" ....It's a pretty fuckin lonely existence when you want to stop the very thing that has protected you all your life that only continues to rott my being right to the bone.God bless you jason and thank you again for all your support ...coopstah
 
Courage is freedom! What a concept, being free to choose or choose not to. Hate eats me up, love can be fun, and my life always has been like roller coaster, but now I know when to get off. "It takes time" made want to kick the speaker in the balls, but if I don't take time, I will wallow in my shit pile. That gets boring, so I reach out and talk to someone and see how it goes. Gotta start someplace.

USS Edisto AGB2 can be found on line Jason, with some amazing photos.

froggy12
 
Hate eats us all up, including myself. I went out tonight and felt resentment towards everyone. That pain of insecurity resides. However, I realize, all of the hate I feel for others reflects on the feelings I feel for myself. I realize, its time to accept that these feelings aren't for the people I am judging, but they are for myself. They are for the issues I am failing to deal with. This is not hatred towards others, but dissappointment and frustration for myself. I ask myself, what am I failing at. It hurts to admit it, but, I am not as far in my recovery as I would like to be. I tend to assimilate myself as the role of a leader. I love to be there for people but I must accept that I, Jason, still need a little work myself. The roller coaster still plagues me and for as much as I would like to think that I am above it, I have not yet achieved that valor. So, the battle continues. Everyday, I fight to find the truth. What do I truly believe in. Who am I. I already know who I am. I will reinforce it when I say, I know who I am and what I am fighting for. The forces that are there to prevent us from overcoming this burden are nothing but illusions. We can beat it and we will. All of us need love and help. Admitting that is the most powerful display of strength we can display. Our abusers wanted us to keep our mouths shut, but, were strong enough to open our mouths and reveal our weaknesses. Reveal our ANGER, SADNESS, AND INNER STRENGTH. That power cannot be defeated by a long shot. We must let it flow through our veins and let it flow through the minds that hear our voices crying out! We will not shut up! We will not swallow our tongues and accept defeat. We will get stronger and conquer those demons that attack us. We are too strong! We shall live on!!!

Truth will set us free
Jason
 
Jason,
Anger has to have the right outlet, otherwise it will flood and destroy everyone/thing in its path. Watch how you vent. There are creative ways.

I used to think I should be what others thought I should be; then I thought maybe I could be this or that; then I realized, I am who I am and am content to be this way. A little strange to some, but that's their problem.

Life is indeed a learning process and we have to be teachable or we become stagnant.

Froggy12, ribbit
 
Froggy

Definitely agree on the ventilating of anger in the right place. It can be difficult at times. We think we are so far sometimes but then we lash out at the wrong person. After five years of recovery, I am still working on that one. Working out and being assertive are two ways I do it. I also take a rubber hose and smack trees with it. The sound and the feeling is quite relieving. Free writing also works well. You know its working when you start pressing down really hard on the paper your writing on to where you almost break the pen. That feels great afterwards.

Jason
 
Jason,

When I hit the keyboard (my penmanship is awful) and I'm in a certain mood, the thoughts flow out, sort of like stream of consciousness. There is no time for grammatical nicities like punctuation. Read James Joyce - but the thoughts keep coming on the screen until I run dry emotionally. Then I re-read and I sigh. Sometimes there are tears, but not a lot, but there is a release, a relief that only the writer will appreciate. Keep it up!
But if you feel the anger is going the wrong way, tell people to hide all sharp objects and then you can take deep breaths.
froggy12
 
Froggy,

I always read my posts after I write them so I can feel what I wrote and, I also check my punctuation but thats just me. Thank god I never had a problem with sharp objects. My fascination is with breaking things LOL. I've been in recovery of CSA for a while now and I've learned to deal with anger issues in a safer mannor. I still struggle as we all do but I've came a long way and to anyone who reads this "It does get better". Anyway, thank you for your concern and, if you could give me a bit more info on James joyce that would be phenomenal. Is he a book author? Let me know what he is so I can read what you referred to in your post. Thanks.

Much love,
Jason
 
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