Leading a horse to water

Leading a horse to water
M

Major

Registrant
Hi everyone,

I posted last fall - was looking to add to that post, but couldn't find it, so I'll start again.

A little over two years ago, my husband of 16 years told me about his CSA with a hockey coach that happened when he was in grade school. He told me, told his brothers/sisters and mother, and one friend. All of us responded as you would expect - with great sadness with what happened, and with loving arms. His revelation actually gave an answer for alot of the odd behaviours he has shown in the past years.

Our oldest daughter is 7, and he told me that the abuse really began to bother him when I was pregnant with her. So that is at least 8 years that he has admitted to trying to keep this down. Anyways, there are plenty of reasons that I think this isn't quite true - I think it has been boiling since the day we met, it just started getting ugly when I was pregnant. Since his admission though, things have gone from bad to worse to unbearable. I am rambling, I am sorry. He has gone through several significant health issues, and has been very relucantant to get treatment. All of which have a significant impact on me and the kids. The most recent "incident" was a car accident just before Christmas. He suffered a fractured vertebrae - yet didn't see a dr for about three weeks - claimed it was Christmas, etc etc... but how could you go for three weeks with a broken back? The past six months have been torture. Not only has his back caused him unbearable physical pain, but his emotions have plummeted to a new all-time low. He was recently declined for life insurance too - we don't know why yet because he hasn't been to the dr's to get the report, but this is not good news. I am assuming it is because his liver enzymes are a mess due to his drinking. Every time I think I have seen the worse and that things can only get better, I am mistaken. I feel like I could spew out an entire novel, so much has gone on.

I am really at my wits ends -- I think I REALLY am at the end this time around. We have four kids, including one baby, and it has been extrememly trying on me. I am exhausted. I am exhausted with the general dealings of raising kids, but piled on top of that is the desperation that I am feeling that our situation will not improve at any point soon. I hope I don't sound like a miserable person. I really am not. I have held up so much for so long, and am SOOOOOOO freakin frustrated by the fact that he will not seek professional help to deal with this. Heck, if he'd visit this site he'd be miles ahead of where he is now. I actually posted a few times in the fall, then he asked me to promise to not visit here anymore as he was going to start posting and reaching out, so I never came back. But things are bad. I need to be back.

Sheldon Kennedy was recently in town promoting his new book, Why I Didn't Tell, I think it is called, so this subject was in the news around here and that was not easy. I know I cannot ever really understand, but I really do struggle with why he didn't talk to anybody sooner. I think 30 years is plenty of time to have kept this bottled inside. To me it seems like he is happier (not the right word) with staying in this state and not talking to anybody than he is to just taking the bull by the horns and taking that first step forward. I could just scream with frustration.

I am losing my ability to be a good supporter. I am sorry. I have spewed this out and haven't proof read it. I just needed to vent. I need to know if it is possible to make a horse drink... any suggestions on how to get him beyond wallowing in misery would be most welcome. Thank you -- I need to recharge my compassion batteries.
 
Major,

I remember your post very well. Everything that has happened since then just goes to show that dealing with abuse is definitely not a do it yourself project. Somehow your husband has to admit that he needs help; he has to want it, ask for it, and then accept it.

In my case there was no one decisive moment in my coming to accept the hard fact of needing help. One thing that helped me a lot was that I came here and discovered that I was not alone. That was a huge revelation for me, and it would probably help your husband to check out this site as well. I was also confronted by my wife, who asked me on several occasions what was wrong, and by a close friend, who sat me down and made me see how crazy things had become. Being approached by a trusted friend was a sobering experience; it shattered my illusion that I was still capable of keeping up appearances to the outside world.

The bottom line is that your guy desperately needs help and will probably not admit it without the intervention of trusted family members and friends.

There is also the very important impact of all this on you and your children to consider. The family suffers too from all this. Take care of yourself and recognize your own needs and hurt. I'm sure you already know this, but it's worth remembering that kids see a lot more than we would like to think. Yours are probably wondering whats wrong with Daddy. They may be very worried but too afraid to ask their questions.

Maybe the most important thing that you should hear is that just as none of this is your husbands fault, it isnt yours either. All of your family has been wronged by the coach who abused him. You have done nothing wrong here, and you have every right to want and expect a close, loving and happy relationship.

How to "make the horse drink": At some point you will have to make it clear how much more of this you are willing to take. Don't give him an ultimatum. Just let him know that while you love him and want to stay together, there is only so much you can take.

I would also urge him to come here. It makes such a difference knowing you aren't alone or lost. But the bottom line is that it will remain up to him to take the decisive steps. Perhaps it's time for some "tough love"...maybe he now needs to think about all he will lose if things continue as they are going now.

Are you seeing a counselor? That would be very helpful I think. When things get this bad it's so difficult to maintain a sense of perspective and decide what everyone, including you and your children, really need.

Much love,
Larry
 
Major,

There are three things I'd like to offer. The first is to say I'm sorry that it's so tough for you and you're in need of recharging those compassion batteries. It was easy to see why they've gotten so low. This is yet another example of the devastation caused by CSA, it often crosses a generation and the betrayal of your husband by his abuser gets played out within his current family environment.

Secondly, and this might be the most important of the three, you need to take care of yourself. With caring for your four children please be sure to find or make time for you because it's probably more than your compassion batteries that need charging. Larry offers a good suggestion in find a counselor of your own or perhaps getting some help for all the household activities (your husband can help here).

Thirdly, your husband. I can understand his going three weeks with a broken back before seeking treatment. That's one of the things CSA does to us. It makes us feel we don't deserve, are not even worthy of, basic human care when we're sick or severely injured. That must have hurt like hell.

Based on what you've written about your husband he sounds like he's dealing with depression as well. The drinking, maybe to dull the pain. The neglecting his injury, maybe to feel something. I don't know. I'm not an expert.

In any event I am in agreement with Larry. The two of you need to talk and as directly as possible. He needs help and making that first step is oh so hard. Urge him to come here.

In the end you must make a decision on how much you can take. You sound like you care so much for your husband. Ask him if he can't do it for himself can he try to do it for you and your children?

I hope this helps a bit and that you will continue to post as much or as little as you like. We're here for you as well Major.

Best regards,

Paul
 
I know this is terrible for all of you. I am sorry you are being put through this. It is a nightmare for everyone.

I would like to add a comment abouyt the birth of the child triggering him. Beleive him when he says this. Do not replace your judgement for his.

There is a wonderful article on this site talking about just this issue.

As a CSA survivor myself, I can say that "big events" like marraige and children can feel catastrophic to the unrecovered survivor.

I had two psychotic breaks - one with each child. There were a lot of things happening at once which I only understood after recovery.

The fear of growing up, of failing, of my childhood being over and never really having one (confronting reality), of not being able to control the dangerous world, the shame of people having evidence that I was dirty and engaged in sex...the list goes on and on and on.

It is not that he does not love your children, but these are powerful events which signal and represent certain things- especially in the mind of a childabuse survivor.

I hope this helps
 
Everything always seems better on a warm sunny day. At least I am in a bit better mood reading all your posts. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I feel a bit better today. But night is only 5 hours away, and that is when the days tend to fall apart.

I was searching around the board yesterday and read about the Survivor Weekends. There is a Cdn session happening in the fall that I would love to see him go to. Is that an unrealistic expecation? Is that too much of an event too soon given that he has done nothing yet?

Interestingly, the other day he told me that he had disclosed to another friend last summer. I didn't know this until the other night. So I've connected with that friend and asked him to really try to get together with "John". The friend has been great - we've been trading emails frequently, but so far all he has got is "sorry I'm really swamped with work right now". So I told the friend to not take that as an answer - it is just an avoidance tactic. I hope I am not being too pushy, but I'm feeling like he needs a dose of pushiness.

Baby is crying.... must run. Thanks everyone - I really appreciate you all being there.
 
Hi Major, I remember you from the fall.

I'm sorry things are still so rough for you and the family. Honestly I don't know if I would push your husband to go on a weekend in the fall. From my observations, most guys are very strongly affected by the experience, and greatly benefit by having some kind of established support system in place to help them process it afterwards.

I do agree with what others are saying to you though-- some intervention is in order here. I'd encourage you to really think this through for yourself.

What, specifically, do you and your children need from him? Not things like "I need him to heal" or "I need him to be happier"-- but actual, measurable changes that he needs to make, such as getting prompt medical help for his injuries, not drinking, or doing x,y and z every day? How does it affect things in your household when this doesn't happen-- how does it add to your burden as a parent, how does it affect your kids? Most importantly, what are you prepared/willing to do at this point?

It's my belief that people change their behavior when it seems to them that the cost of their current behavior outweighs the benefits. So while you can't make him heal or change, you can make it very clear to him that the cost of your current life is more than YOU are willing to accept-- that you don't have it in you anymore to be supportive of the status quo. Be honest about what consequences this is having on you and your family.

I feel compelled to add something to a previous post:

"big events" like marraige and children can feel catastrophic to the unrecovered survivor....

It is not that he does not love your children, but these are powerful events which signal and represent certain things
Click to expand...
While this is all true, it's not the end of the story. There are many active, devoted, incredible parents on this site who are also CSA survivors. It isn't always easy but as I'm sure you know, parenting doesn't come with an "easy" guarantee for anyone. It's more than possible for your husband to process these triggers and start learning to be the dad and husband that his family needs.

hang in there,
SAR
 
Hi - thanks for the additional info. I didn't think that weekend would work out, but it is so close to where we live! Too bad. I guess there will be other opportunities down the road.

I know exactly what you mean about the "specific" actions vs the blanket "deal with it", and unfortunately, that hasn't worked so far, as I've had alot of opportunities to lay out specifics! I don't know what the tipping point will be to make his current behavaviour start to change, and I guess that is the biggest part of my frustration.

I also should mention that during the day, for the most part, he is great with the kids. Today for example, there was a big water fight in the backyard, lots of laughs, a big bike ride with the older kids etc etc. I find it hard to laugh though, because I see this as all a big facade - a huge lie to the world that he is happy go lucky. I can't even really bear to go to parties etc (not that there are many invitations with our big family!!) because his behaviour in those situations just seems so untrue. That is a bad statement I know, so I hope you understand what I am saying. I just get so upset, because here he is with the great family, extended family, friends, clergy, etc that all want to help, but there has been no acceptance.

A funny, or sort of funny thing, with him is that he is quite religious, and prays alot. One night when we were arguing about him seeking treatment, he said that he prays to God many times a day for help. I couldn't help but be reminded about that joke floating around (pardon the pun) during Hurricane Katrina, when somebody was on their roof praying to be saved, and told a person on a raft, then boat, then helicopter that he was waiting for God to save him. When the person finally drowned and met God in Heaven, he asked God why he didn't help, and God responded "What do you think the raft, boat, and helicopter were for?". In our case, the minister at our church was a survivor of abuse, and was most interested in helping him. His cousin worked at a rape crisis centre a few years ago. His sister bought him several books - which other than me reading, have sat untouched.

I have a question about seeing a counsellor for myself. How would this help me? My big problem is him not wanting to deal with any of this, and the cascade of trouble that has caused for him/us - ie., physical health, moderate lying, financial woes etc. What strategies could I learn? I am interested in learning more, because I would bet that it would help me as a supporter. I guess that is the main point?

Thanks again. I am sorry for venting so much, but I do feel a bit more in control today. I really appreciate your comments.

Onward and upward - I'll hang in there!
 
SAR,

Of course it is not the end of the story, just a focus on what the feeling can be like before begining recovery and trigger processing. Thank you for rounding out what I left out. It was very important.
 
MY survivor said the same thing about praying to god for a strong woman to help him with this and it was me...he knew it...he had prayed....and then he walked away without a backward glance.

It's a very old parable and I told it to my guy about 1000 times....

unfortunately, because they are where they are, they don't see themselves as the man on the roof....
 
just a little bit of a tip here - your subject line "lead a horse to water" you might think about where this comes from - horses are smart, they won't drink from a poison well. if the water is good enough to drink, and the horse is thirsty, he'll run over you to get to the water. if he's not thirsty he won't drink. if the water's bad he won't drink.

and if you're on his back and walk him into a creek on a hot day, you'd better keep his head up or he'll roll you and the saddle off getting into that water.

just something to think about. good luck.
 
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