lately it's been hard to regard myself with care - why/

[markgreyblue]

Lately I have been pushing myself to accomplish a lot - more so than before -

I find myself feeling unwell - unlike myself -

and so I am pausing - and trying to rest - up

I do not know what it would take - to get ok enough to do - and how much can I do without getting sick or unwell feeling again?

It came to me to think - so as not to get caught up in a panic -

Why do some of us to regard ourselves with care -?

Is it because we were treated with so little that we perceive ourselves not as people but rather
vehicles to accomplish some task ? and that is all that matters?

I don't know - I see and think know of how I see so many of Europeans and well older cultures - really know "how to live" it is not just eating or tradition -which though reinforce the day to day humanity and joy of life -

but it seems there is cultured regard for - life is rough - life musn't be too forceful or you break - I want to live with that -

I want to live with that and not feel so compelled by popular culture to have things
or live a life - that still in my mind - is telling me what I am worth -

ugg -

m

 

[roadrunner]

Mark,

I often think of that as well. Western society of course urges us constantly to work, work, work in order to prove our worth. But apart from that I think it's also us as survivors, at least it is for me.

When I was a kid being abused my perp isolated me from my parents and kept telling me that they didn't love or want me. As confirmation he pointed out that they didn't even notice I was being abused. I guess that's why I became obsessed with academic achievement. I HAD to do my best and BE the best so that I would not get sent to an orphanage when they found out what was happening. My studies, and then my work, was also my "safe place", a refuge where I could exclude the terrible truth from my mind. Since I was so worthless anyway, it didn't matter what toll this took on me as a person.

As usual you are so right Mark. Recovery includes restoring a sense of balance to our lives.

Fuck. Something else to add to the list.

Much love,
Larry

 

[Morning Star]

ALLOW

Its time
if you ask me
to hand over the entire process
of healing to thee
for he is the healer
and knows
what is best for you
just let him handle the pace.

When He is the ultimate goal
why bother so much
let him handle the way
he wants to heal you.

Rest assured,
you would be healed
but in his way.

Truly speaking,
letting go is our contribution
in healing.

And the best thing we can do
for ourselves is
to allow.

Love would do the rest!