la brea tar pits

la brea tar pits
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froggy12

Registrant
I've recently been introduced to this site, and I joined. I began to read and suddenly past events began to bubble to the top, things I had managed to bury deep enough so I wouldn't remember. So much for that. One thing after another. At 15 I was raped by ??, knocked out but woke with a dick in my mouth. I told no one since it was not done then - back in the dark ages. But today things came back that happened 3, 12 years before that. I have very deep trust issues; people I thought trusted me, don't. I won't tell my therapist because she is female and at times hasn't a clue about some things. Book learnin just ain't the same. Earliest involved a male cousin who tried to penetrate me at a swimming hole, the other later in a Minor-Seminary with peers. And then it goes on up to late teens and in the Navy. I have no one I can talk with locally, who can understand. This was all before I knew what gay meant and I was 21! Learned early how to either deny or obliterate. Now it is returning and I very alone. It was my isolation in the past that led me to alcohol which nearly killed me. I wanted to die, but didn't have the guts to use force. And I feel like the proverbial reed rattling in the desert wind, and no one to listen. "SCREAM," thy name is me.

Oh well, I'l make another pot of espresso and spin on my seat here and wonder. 'Mon dieu, mon dieu, pourquoi m'a tu abondonne.'

froggy12 in his boggy (it is raining here in MA)
 
Froggy12 - I hear "Your" scream and want you to know that scream is very familiar! Sometimes it was your voice, other voices and sometimes mine! But you found the site where Screamers go to recognize others who feel/felt the same way. Thinking you are and worse, feeling like you are in isolation is the most awful feeling. But in reality - you are not alone here. we are here to listen, help support! I know our Resouce page with professional therapists in not extensive.. but try there for someone "flesh and blood" to help you in your area. You are always invited to share on the Site (chat/discussion board).

I too want you hear me also - I am a survivor with many complications. I say survivor because I have wrestled with most of my demons and can testify that healing does occur and "screams" do get heard and helped and supported. I have found this site to be miraculously helpful in my healing and a fine community of serious guys in all stages of recovery.

BTW, what does the french 'stuff' mean? German and English I understand but?

Hope this helps!! Howard
 
this is froggy12 (not to be confused with 'foggy) rising from the bottom. I do go to therapy. I was full of narcissism: only me. Just gotten out of dual diagnosis booze/clinical depresszion locked ward for the ?th time. I was assigned a female therapist and she is not used to a 66 yr old faggot who lived in the Haight-Ashbury when it started, among other places.

So today I ate a half-bag of jelly bellies, downed with a mug of espresso and off I went with 2 weeks worth of daily homework -a page a day - feelings, stuff learned, did I go to AA? what bothers me, the hardest part is 2 positive things about me. I can be a candid when writing/typing and she puts on her seat-belt when I plop down in her chair. The fun begins. I like it. she likes it, and we both like each other.

frogman
 
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