Knowing it was sexual

Knowing it was sexual
R

roadrunner

Registrant
Sorry for the lame title; I couldn't think of anything better at the mo!

Ste has just posted a valuable article in the News forum about an abuse case in Scotland in which the boy was silenced by the Catholic church. The author of the article said something that really leapt off the screen at me:

[The Church said] nothing on the matter and that is why I had no idea what was happening to me during the rape. I didn't know it was sexual.
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When I saw that it hit me like a bolt of lightning: The first few times I was abused I didn't know either! I was 11 and I had some vague ideas about sex, but not this. I just listened to the perp and did what he said; it was only as things continued and went further that it became clear to me this was sexual. But by then he had me.

I'm not sure how I will process this one. But does any one else recall things this way?

Much love,
Larry
 
Whenever I tried to say "no", I don't like doing this it., I heard a reply of "Nobody has to know"! "It's just between us"! He shamed me into secrecy!

Larry, I'm in for a rough road ahead, but I'm gonna do it, all of you said it's possible, I believe in you and what you say.
 
How true! I never heard the word sex or sexual till I was 13 or thereabouts and by then the abuse had ended. Peace, Andrew
 
Me too!

Love you

Darrel
 
***** triggers *****

Brothers,

I have been working on this one today - in between wrapping Christmas presents of all things!!!!

When did I realize this had something to do with sex?

What I can recall is that I was suicidal by the age of 12; the shame and confusion and fear were that bad. I was already being raped on a regular basis, and even THEN I didn't get the idea that this activity had to do with sex. I knew that masturbating had some connection with sex, and my first experiences of that were with "him" at age 11. But while doing it on my own was sexual, I didn't see things that happened with him as "sexual".

I think the thunderbolt came when I was 12 and asked my Dad what "rape" was. He told me, but he explained it as having to do with a man and a woman who doesn't want it. I was horrified. What about me? I don't want "it" either. And the "it" was sex.

I know of course that we need to recall that what happened to us was abuse, and as such it was about power more than sex. But here I am talking about how it looks to the boy who is being abused.

I still have no idea where this is taking me, but it seems very important.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

My abuse started at 7 or 8. I had no idea this was sex. By the time my awareness grew to that level, it was too late. Then, the shame kept me from telling. The sad part is I was so lonely and needy, I looked forward to the abuse. Like you by 12 I was suicidal, and I was already drinking to deal with the pain (a bad thing to do if you're a teen looking for relief, or an adult for that matter.)
 
Seeker,

The sad part is I was so lonely and needy, I looked forward to the abuse.
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I did too bro. He would plan a "date" with me, and if it didn't work out I would feel bad and wonder what I had done wrong and was he rejecting me. When it all ended I missed him.

At the same time I feared him and hated what he was doing to me.

Keeping to the topic, I guess even by the age of 14, which is when it ended for me, I STILL did not fully appreciate that I was being used as a sexual toy that could be cast aside at any time. I didn't really appreciate why I was feeling so bad about myself, except that I was "doing" things that made me feel ashamed and worthless.

Now that seems nonsense to me, but here we are talking about the early 60s. I was 11 and I really was just a very naive kid. I was all alone with this; there was no awareness and nowhere I could have turned to for help and answers.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

You are right. Nobody talked to us about these things. We were told don't talk to strangers or wierd old men who offer candy. My abuser was an older neighbor, like a brother. After I became aware and started to try to refuse, he let me know he would abandon me as a friend. My only real friend. So, I complied. He still abandoned me though and made it seem like it was all my fault to begin with. What the hell did I know about any of it. People were so secretive about sex anyway, when I figured it out, I was secretive about it too.
 
OK, maybe I'm the exception here, but I think I realized it was about sex from the very beginning. Even tho I sometimes hated it, I still wanted and craved the attention that came with what I was involved in. I know I didn't really realize all the ramifications, but I did know it was sex.

So what does that mean now that I've said it? I don't know. Maybe someone can help explain it to me. In my mind, it just was. I remember hating it, and wanting it at the same time. I'd refuse to participate one time then seek it out another. I'm not sure all that has any real ramificarions to where I am today. Just sharing my thoughts as they come.

Lots of love,

John
 
Larry,

the very reason that I posted this article was pretty much what you quoted.

I never thought that the abuse was of a sexual nature, rather a control thing of a weak minded society throw out character, he had obviously practiced his manoevres many times on other kids.

I did not know what sex was being pre-pubic.

It is just one of those niggling thoughts that caused so much damage over those years, and not being able to talk about it meant decades of anguish,

ste
 
Ste,

It is just one of those niggling thoughts that caused so much damage over those years, and not being able to talk about it meant decades of anguish.
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Isn't that the truth! I think the fact that at first I really didn't know what was going on contributed a lot to my feelings of guilt later on. As an older teenager I made a lot of false assumptions about what had happened, and one was that I knew from the beginning what was going on. But thinking back now I can see (or I think I can see) that wasn't the case.

I have realized for awhile that as a child my thinking on this was never specific or logical. I didn't "think" of what to do or ask what was happening; what I recall is just a jumble of emotions, mainly fear, guilt and confusion, all mixed together, and feeling progressively worse about myself.

John,

You speak of knowing it was sex right from the start. Maybe I did too, but that isn't what I remember. I have pretty clear memories of all this, and the idea that this had some connection with sex just isn't there. Maybe it has to do with my very naive view of sex (I mean then, although now is also open for discussion!). Sex for me had something to do with making babies, and I had seen enough of human anatomy to figure out the mechanics of the whole thing. But that was it! It didn't occur to me that teenagers had sex, or that adults in general did.

To be honest I just wasn't interested. It wasn't on the TV or in films, it wasn't discussed yet at home (I am the oldest of three siblings), and even in school my friends and I didn't talk about it. We weren't ashamed or anything like that; we really were just living in an innocent time for kids of our age. In 1963, for example, I was not allowed to go see the film "Cleopatra" because my mother disapproved of the morals of Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about, and by that time I in my fourth year of abuse. I heard about people "living together" or "sleeping together", but it didn't occur to me to ask what that meant. Go figure.

Much love,
Larry
 
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