kinda confused
kinda confused
- Thread starterDeafDavid
- Start date
Hi David. I used to interpret for the deaf. My signing is rusty, but I still know most of it. I have only a couple of deaf friends now.
I'm sad that you have to come here, but I'm glad you found this resource. Talk when you are comfortable doing so. Welcome to the board.
Andy
I'm sad that you have to come here, but I'm glad you found this resource. Talk when you are comfortable doing so. Welcome to the board.
Andy
DeafDavid
Registrant
Thank you Andy.It was hard to write so am happy to get a reply. So you know ASL? How cool! I am what they call profoundly deaf (born this way and am totally deaf). That does make communication harder. After "it" happened I was injured quite badly and had to spend several days in the hospital and that was really bad. The police didn't have anyone that could communicate with me. They all treated me like I was retarded or something instead of just deaf. I am just as normal as anyone, just deaf. Oh well, thanks for letting me vent a little. I feel like I'm kinda freaking out but I am strong and will be ok. Thanks again Andy.
Hi again.
You're welcome.
Actually, I don't know ASL, but would like to learn. The friends I learned sign from 21 years ago taught me SEE instead. I manage to communicate ok with ASL folks though. I have some past experiences with deaf culture and it has been one of the better times in my life. For awhile, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I have also read two books that are quite insightful: A Deaf Adult Speaks Out, and Dancing Without Music.
That's a pity what happened with the police. I feel like smacking folks like that upside the head. But then, that's the same situation with people who speak out of turn about SA, right?
Andy
You're welcome.
Actually, I don't know ASL, but would like to learn. The friends I learned sign from 21 years ago taught me SEE instead. I manage to communicate ok with ASL folks though. I have some past experiences with deaf culture and it has been one of the better times in my life. For awhile, I felt like I belonged somewhere. I have also read two books that are quite insightful: A Deaf Adult Speaks Out, and Dancing Without Music.
That's a pity what happened with the police. I feel like smacking folks like that upside the head. But then, that's the same situation with people who speak out of turn about SA, right?
Andy
Hi David,
I too am so sorry you've just been through such a bad experience. I helps so much to know that there are people out there who understand the terrible trauma, doesn't it.
Please understand that there is no pressure for you to tell what happened to you. That will all come if and when you are ready for it to, and not before, and that's OK. Just hang around with us and talk to us about the things you can talk about, or you can just hang here and read other people's posts if you wish. Just know that you are welcome here. Glad to have you aboard, but so sorry of the reason you are here.
Safe Hugs,
John
I too am so sorry you've just been through such a bad experience. I helps so much to know that there are people out there who understand the terrible trauma, doesn't it.
Please understand that there is no pressure for you to tell what happened to you. That will all come if and when you are ready for it to, and not before, and that's OK. Just hang around with us and talk to us about the things you can talk about, or you can just hang here and read other people's posts if you wish. Just know that you are welcome here. Glad to have you aboard, but so sorry of the reason you are here.
Safe Hugs,
John
DeafDavid
Registrant
Thanks again for writing me back. I know this will help in a way. Is this a safe place to describe what all happened? I have so many things still to do. They are putting me in a new home. I have to go to court which I don't know if I can cuz "HE" will be right there looking at me and I have to say everything that happened! I know it is hard to make people understand me at times cuz my speech is not as good as it should be in that I am deaf but they hopefuly will have an ASL interp. there. I don't have any of my things now either. Oh well, I sound like a baby. I'm almost bald now cuz they cut off my hair when they did an operation and I look like a freak to make matters worse. Well I have to stop for now but I will get up courage to tell my whole story cuz I know inside that it will help just putting it all down if that is ok here?? Some people might already know my story anyway cuz the whole thing was in the newspaper anyway, HOW EMBARRASSING!! Anyway, thank you for being here.
David, So sorry for the things that have happened to you. It's hard to believe when you first come here that so many people really do care about what happened to you and how you feel about all of it, but they really do. And the amazing thing is that, even though all of our experiences may have been very different, we really do understand how it makes you feel on the inside. You may or may not want to share exactly what happened to you. But when and if you do, it will be handled carefully and tenderly. We understand also the pain of telling the stories. We're so sorry that you have a need to be here, but always welcome the chance to help someone understand that, even though they have experienced one of the most difficult things the world can give anyone to deal with, no one has to go through it alone. Talk to us. That's what we're here for.
Bobby
Bobby
george of kent
Registrant
Greetings, David.
Welcome to the brotherhood of MS. We are all here for you, as well as for each other. It's ok to relax a little here and just take a few deep, cleansing breaths.
You are doing the right thing, court wise, and I applaud your courage. Eventually, everything will get better.
Here's a big hug of welcome and support.
(((((David)))))
Love, etc.,
Welcome to the brotherhood of MS. We are all here for you, as well as for each other. It's ok to relax a little here and just take a few deep, cleansing breaths.
You are doing the right thing, court wise, and I applaud your courage. Eventually, everything will get better.
Here's a big hug of welcome and support.
(((((David)))))
Love, etc.,
DeafDavid
Registrant
Thank you for taking the time to write me back. My life here in this place sure sucks. They are hiding me because of the witness thing. Its official now, I am what they call, a ward of the court. That feels really strange. Now my mom can't see me either. They charged her with something like failure to protect her minor child so its like now she is not my mom any more. So now I am on my own I guess, but I am glad of that cuz I think I can take better care of me than anyone else has. Well I have been doing alot of thinking about all of this. I know alot of it is my fault. When he would do all those things to me, there was a weird part in me that liked it. I guess I never said here that I am pretty sure I am a gay boy, hope it is ok to say that right up front. I am not ashamed of that but I was made to feel bad from him about it (boy he called me every bad name given to gay people I have ever heard, and alot of names I never heard before, lol). It was I felt like a love for a few minutes till it got violent. He made me do things and would stroke my hair and stuff and for awhile it was loving but it always changed for the worse. I guess you can tell that it happened quite a few times so you can see that is my fault. I should have stopped it right away I know but I guess I always hoped that each individual time would be different. I really don't know what I would do that made him so mad at me. I tried to be what he wanted so he wouldn't get sooooo mad but I just don't understand, maybe cuz I don't hear I don't understand things I should. The only time I ever got up the nerve to say no to him was the last time when he about killed me. I know its not right what he did to me cuz I was actually hurt really bad. Now although I just don't know what will happen to me here as its all out of my control just cuz I am a minor. Well I don't even know if anyone will read this but it helped me anyway just writing it down. I know other guys here have also had really bad things happen to them. I hope someday I will be able to help guys here as well. Well I kinda hate to stop writing cuz I don't feel alone when I am writing. Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read my babbling, lol.
David
David
roadrunner
Registrant
David,
Well, you aren't alone at all. We see every word and we understand how you feel.
Being a gay teenager is fine. Your sexuality is part of who you are and if you are ever to be happy you have to learn to like and respect yourself just as you are.
But try to remember that gay sex and sexual abuse are very different things. Gay sex is something that two males share because they want that for each other; they decide this is what they will do, and each one has the right to decide what he wants and what he can and cannot do. Abuse is nothing like that. It's about a more powerful person exploiting, tricking, and betraying someone else...usually a boy a lot younger than himself. Abuse isn't something two people "do" together, it's a crime committed by one AGAINST the other.
There's a lot more to say about this, but I hope this helps. Welcome to the site, and as others have said, just ease into it and get used to things here. You will find a LOT of support and no one will judge you.
Much love,
Larry
Well, you aren't alone at all. We see every word and we understand how you feel.
Being a gay teenager is fine. Your sexuality is part of who you are and if you are ever to be happy you have to learn to like and respect yourself just as you are.
But try to remember that gay sex and sexual abuse are very different things. Gay sex is something that two males share because they want that for each other; they decide this is what they will do, and each one has the right to decide what he wants and what he can and cannot do. Abuse is nothing like that. It's about a more powerful person exploiting, tricking, and betraying someone else...usually a boy a lot younger than himself. Abuse isn't something two people "do" together, it's a crime committed by one AGAINST the other.
There's a lot more to say about this, but I hope this helps. Welcome to the site, and as others have said, just ease into it and get used to things here. You will find a LOT of support and no one will judge you.
Much love,
Larry
george of kent
Registrant
Hi, again, David.
Just hoping that things are going a little better for you now.
Nothing that was done to us a children, whether we thought we "liked it" or not, is not our FAULT.
Just remember always, "I am good, strong and beautiful; I am proud to be honest and kind; I am David".
Love, etc.,
Just hoping that things are going a little better for you now.
Nothing that was done to us a children, whether we thought we "liked it" or not, is not our FAULT.
Just remember always, "I am good, strong and beautiful; I am proud to be honest and kind; I am David".
Love, etc.,
DeafDavid
Registrant
I want to thank you people for writing me back, I do appreciate it. Well I guess I should go on a little more about my situation. See this is the bad part, the man who kept doing all those things to me was actually my father. It went on for quite awhile. My Dad was always ashamed of me I guess cuz I am deaf and I can't speak as well as he would like. As far back as I can remember I just kept trying to do things he would like so hopefully I could make him love me. At first it was just little things like getting his beer or newspaper and stuff like that. Then later it progressed to doing more personal things for him. When I would do these little things he would smile at me and I would just feel on top of the world. Then as I got older things changed. He would call me into the bathroom when he was in the shower to have me get things for him like a towel or shampoo or what ever. I remember the first time I saw him naked I looked down 'there' just cuz I was curious I think but he said things like I was a little queer cuz I liked looking at him there. Well eventually he said if I liked looking there why don't I touch it. Well to make a long story short, he started making me do things to him 'down' there. He would praise me for being a good boy while he was enjoying it but as soon as he got his satisfaction, he would get mean. The routing was always he made me take care of his needs and then he would beat me and call me names. I really was always afraid but there was those little moments when he was nice to me when I was make to do him that I in error thought he loved me. Well as you can now see, that is why I know that alot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times. Everyone says I was lucky I came out of this alive as I have lots of injuries I guess.
Well thanks for taking the time to read this. I think it helps me to write it down but it is hard to.
David
Well thanks for taking the time to read this. I think it helps me to write it down but it is hard to.
David
David,
It hurts to read of the abuse. It also hurts to hear you blame yourself.
"Well as you can now see, that is why I know that alot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times."
Of course you didn't deserve to get hurt, and I don't know if I'm reading you right, but it hurts to hear you say any thing there was your fault. Most if not all boys really want their fathers to be proud of them. Your father saw this as an opportunity to exploit your need for your father's affirmation. What a horrible thing. I hope you will be ok.
Andy
It hurts to read of the abuse. It also hurts to hear you blame yourself.
"Well as you can now see, that is why I know that alot of this is my fault but I don't think I deserved to get hurt so many times."
Of course you didn't deserve to get hurt, and I don't know if I'm reading you right, but it hurts to hear you say any thing there was your fault. Most if not all boys really want their fathers to be proud of them. Your father saw this as an opportunity to exploit your need for your father's affirmation. What a horrible thing. I hope you will be ok.
Andy
roadrunner
Registrant
David,
All you did was do whatever it took to please your father, and believe me, so many boys have fallen into that trap or one like it. It's not a boy's responsibility to understand when an adult is taking him too far. It's the adult's responsibility to keep his hands off.
So far as looking at your father in the shower, that is the most natural thing in the world. It's called curiosity and I think any boy would do that. It says nothing at all about your sexuality.
I'm glad you are able to talk about this; I think that will help you. And I hope you won't hesitate to raise any other issue that concerns you. That's what this place is all about, and no one here will give you anything less than their full understanding and support.
Much love,
Larry
In fact none of this was your fault. As Andy has already said, it's natural for a boy to want the approval of his father. In fact, that kind of thing is very important and in your case your father should have realized that with your hearing problem you would probably benefit from a lot of extra support, attention and love. Instead he treated you badly, beat you and lured you into abuse.
All you did was do whatever it took to please your father, and believe me, so many boys have fallen into that trap or one like it. It's not a boy's responsibility to understand when an adult is taking him too far. It's the adult's responsibility to keep his hands off.
So far as looking at your father in the shower, that is the most natural thing in the world. It's called curiosity and I think any boy would do that. It says nothing at all about your sexuality.
I'm glad you are able to talk about this; I think that will help you. And I hope you won't hesitate to raise any other issue that concerns you. That's what this place is all about, and no one here will give you anything less than their full understanding and support.
Much love,
Larry
george of kent
Registrant
It's not your fault, brother David.
Adults can be so fucked up when dealing with children, especially children who are in any way "different."
In my case the abuser was my step-father.
And he made me believe that I was the sexual "agressor" and that he was something like the innocent bystander.
The really fucked up part of all that was that I believe him for almost 40 years!!
No child can truly consent to a sexual relationship with an adult; it's psychologically impossible. The power and "authority" imbalance is just too great.
Hope this helps, David. Keep coming back.
Love, etc.,
Adults can be so fucked up when dealing with children, especially children who are in any way "different."
In my case the abuser was my step-father.
And he made me believe that I was the sexual "agressor" and that he was something like the innocent bystander.
The really fucked up part of all that was that I believe him for almost 40 years!!
No child can truly consent to a sexual relationship with an adult; it's psychologically impossible. The power and "authority" imbalance is just too great.
Hope this helps, David. Keep coming back.
Love, etc.,
David, your courage and strength should be commended. I was attacked when I was your age, by an adult who got me drunk. I wrestled with my own desire being gay for a long time before I understood and accepted that it was normal to have pleasure from sex, but abuse is not consensual pleasure, he took what he wanted, and that just sucks.
It gets better, I swear it does, just hang in there. You have more people than you know fighting with you.
Dawg
It gets better, I swear it does, just hang in there. You have more people than you know fighting with you.
Dawg