Kinda Breaking, Kinda Holding On

[RJ03N]

I don’t even know how to explain what’s going on with me right now. It’s like my brain is glitching and my heart is stuck in this weird spot between panic and numbness. I keep telling myself I’m fine, that I’m strong, that I’ve survived worse but the truth is, I’m not doing too good and I don’t totally know what to do with myself.

There’s this heaviness sitting on my chest that makes it hard to breathe sometimes. And then there’s the fear… like what if I never feel okay? What if the past is still dragging me around more than I want to admit? I hate even saying that out loud because it makes me feel weak and embarrassed, like I should be doing better, like I’m somehow failing at being “okay.” Shame hits fast, too.. the kind that whispers that I’m too much, too dramatic, too broken.

And yeah, I’m writing this, this morning, which is honestly insane because why am I waking up already fighting for my life? Like hello?? The day just started and my brain is already acting like it’s the season finale. Zero chill. Absolutely none.

But even in all that chaos, there’s this tiny piece of me that’s still fighting. Still hopeful. Still wanting to believe that I can keep going even when everything feels kinda off. Sometimes that hope feels so tiny it’s basically an expired battery, but it’s still buzzing just enough to keep me moving. And I guess that counts for something.

I don’t really know how to ask for help without feeling like I’m annoying people. I don’t even know how to say “I’m not okay” without wanting to immediately hit the undo button. But I’m trying. I’m trying to be real instead of dipping every time things get too loud in my head. I’m trying to not push away the people who actually care. And I’m trying to give myself a little bit of grace, even when it feels like cringe behavior to even try.

So yeah… I’m scared. I’m ashamed. I’m hurting. But I’m also low-key hopeful that maybe today won’t stay this heavy. Maybe I’m allowed to have mornings like this without assuming everything is falling apart. Maybe I’m actually in healing, even if it’s messy and slow and doesn’t look pretty.

If you’re reading this, thanks for being here. I’m kinda breaking, but I’m kinda holding on too. And honestly… maybe that’s enough for this morning.

 

[Runningonempty2]

I just want you to know: you're not alone in this. What you're describing is something other people really do experience, and there's nothing "crazy" or shameful about it. It's just what happens when your system has been overwhelmed for too long. And people actually can get better with the right support.

If you ever want to talk about it or figure out what helps, I'm here.

 

[WeDeservedBetter]

I can relate. It's almost like a an overload of thought, feelings, emotions, etc. I relate to feeling afraid to ask for help. It's so common. I've even felt like I was going crazy at times. I would say it's healing when all of this is going on along with a sense of hope. Yes, you are allowed to feel however you feel and it's important to acknowledge allow this. It can be hard to accept this at times.
You are heard and not alone. Hope you feel better. Please take care the best you can. Express it anytime. Thank you for sharing.

 

[Jack1]

Thanks @RJ03N for being so vulnerable and telling it like it is. I appreciate it because I've been there and sometimes I'm just holding on.

 

[Hsqmyp]

Always feel free to ask for help or to share.

 

[wolfbane]

Maybe I’m actually in healing, even if it’s messy and slow and doesn’t look pretty.

It might very well be that. I disclosed about 18 months ago and it's been like peeling an onion. I feel like I make some progress and then, wham, a long-forgotten memory surfaces and think I might never get better. Therapy and meds seemed to help and I've been without both for about 6 months now and can say I'm at a point where I've made peace with my past. That doesn't mean everything's fine and I do intend to resume therapy next year, but I am in a better place--no more curling up in a chair and begging not to be touched--no more ruminating rather than sleeping--and a return to some healthier habits.