Kind of confused (Poss Trigger)

Kind of confused (Poss Trigger)
P

Printer57

Registrant
To be sure, I do not know if this topic is a trigger, but trying to be sensitive to others ...
Any how,, since I'm really new to all this, verbalizing my SA, I've been experiencing lots of thoughts and feelings.
Since I've confided to my wife abt. my history, I've felt like a rubber band. Times I want to stretch away from her, and not just her but every one, and other times I kind of snap back and feel okay to be with others.
BTW, my wife has been wonderfully supportive of me. She is really great. My children are noticing my diferent affect. I'm trying to tell them that work is rough, which it is, or that Carolina lost the Super Bowl, but I think they realize its deeper then that. Trying to maintian that exterior like I was before is so tiring. Its just easier to lock myself away if not physically i do so emotionally. I know time is needed, but I feel i want to just be by myself.
And while I'm at it, I'm really not "in the mood' for marital relations. I'm just not there emotionally when we are intimate. as I've gotten older I realize how essential the emotional aspect of physical relations is. Again, maybe its time that I need.
Thanks for listening, It's great knowing you guys are here.
peace be with all of us.
Printer
 
printer,
i hear you. at times we just get so lost in our attempts to sort through all the conflicting signals and issues that we shut out those around us. explaining to our children is dificult, especially considering their age at the time. but what helps is that we do our best to be honest with ourselves and those we love. sometimes it is not possible like when our children are too young to understand, or we do not have a partner who can be supportive, which makes those times when we do have a supportive and loving network more precious. it will balance out, printer.
 
Hello Printer,

Kids have great intuition. I think that you ight be able to tell them that you have something that you ned to think about alot just now and that Mom is helping you. Let them know you appreciate them caring about you and that it is nothing they need to worry about. Telling them that you love them and love it that the care about you can make they feel good about themselves and secure about your ability to deal with the problem.

Again and again we see men here who dearly love their wives, but get to a point where making love seems more like having sex. That is a truly tragic effect of SA. I am hardly the one to tell married people how to bring it back to an expression of intense love, far, far removed from the physical act of sex.

Bob
 
Hey Printer... I told my g/f not so long ago and I have felt very much how you describe. I'm struggling everyday with not pulling away from her, both mentally and physically.

I wish I could give you advice but I'm right in the midst of this situation myself. Hopefully it helps just to know you're not alone in this. PM me if you need to.

-Sean
 
Printer - I have been experiencing nearly identical feelings. My wife has also been very supportive and was understanding when I explained that I needed to pull back. Now she knew that when I did that, it wasn't about her, it was about me and what I was going through (am still going through). I think that was a big relief for her and made it easier to accept. So, if you haven't let her know what's up and then take the time you need.

As for the kids...once I triggered, I mean the BIG one, several months ago, the biggest head trip was my inability to use my defense mechanisms. The ones I used to forget thngs, the ones I used to keep me from feeling (didn't know I was doing that until I lost them). Quite literally, in a moment's time, all of my defenses fell down and I couldn't find them again. My head was spinning. I was FEELING and none of the feelings were good. I was terrified and anxious and scared and sad and depressed and angry and confused....and on and on. Things got pretty dark and nearly severe enough that I thought I would end up in a psych ward someplace. After the initial shock, and it took a few days, I was able to find my defenses again and I put them to use. Only this time I could see them and see how I was using them and only use them when I really needed to. When I was with my daughter I was able to put the defenses up, out in public, on a business call or even in a casual situation where it would have been inappropriate for me to be running around in circles, sobbing and drooling. So see if you can find those defenses (I'm pretty sure we all have them) and use them in a positive way. They served to protect us all these years, now we know that they were helpful in that way but we don't need them that way anymore, but we can use them to get through certain times and when it comes to protecting the kids from our pain, I think that's appropriate.

This will all settle down eventually, things seem to level off. I'm sure it will still ebb and flow for me for a while, but it does calm down.
Peace
 
Printer - at the moment, I am much more up than down.

I do however have hiccups where I can suddenly become claustrophobic. What I have done is established a scale of how I'm feeling (trusted people). 1 is floating/nirvana - 10 is close to hell. I recently had a sudden hit of claustrophobia on the underground (Prague - attempted pickpocketing close to me). One of my 'guardians/friends' noticed the change in my face & asked what number I was on. The fact that I could say a 6 without having to describe anything helped me to calm down much quicker than when I didn't have my 1:10 scale.

I don't know how many people you could introduce a similar scale to, but your wife could be a good starting point.

You can even add letter codings if it helps, i.e., 8A could mean shit & want to be left alone (hence the A for alone). 8W could mean shit but want to be with someone (W for with).

Hope this doesn't sound like bullshit, because it works for me.

* An elastic band left in the dark will keep stretching and snapping back for much longer than one in sunlight!

Best wishes as always ...Rik
 
I understand wanting to shut everyone out, I think that is because we are so busy trying to sort through our stuff. I think it takes time, and once you can better deal with the stuff you will no longer wish to withdraw.

CHildren have an incredible way to read their parents, and to know when there is something wrong. THey may know there is something deeper, but in time as the deeper stuff resolves, they will be able to recognize that as well. I know it can be hard, but you can make it through. YOu just need to take care of yourself right now, and try to cope with everything that is going on, and everything you have been through. Good luck.

scott
 
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