Kick the trash

[reality2k4]

When I was a kid, I thought there was no way out of it, I had to direct my problems towards myself and try to deal with them inwardly, I had nobody to throw this trash at, only me.

I suppose abuse made me submissive, but only because I cared, and it backfired on me a whole load of times.

I was just thinking today how terrified I was as a kid, and not really being able to be myself.

I reported the abuse to the cops, but I never heard anything, and of course my family knew too, and I guess they may have thought I ask for it, or that is how I perceived it.

Yeah, it was that way, I had to always be away and be in a safe space, and my big brother mentally abuse me like, why did he do it! He told his friends that I was gay, and I sh*t myself in case he told my friends.

Words can hurt loads more than physical pain, and I learnt that long ago, but he hurt me when I needed him to care and be my big brother, yet he so much protected me after he abused my mind.

I still love him, and I can be so loving with my little brother, and sister, but I dont know how to forgive him, and I can never know how he could abuse me in front of his friends and make me look so small.

After so many years of this off him, I screamed at him, that God never gave me a brother like you!

That hurt him, but nowhere near the hurt he did to me when I was so vulnerable, and I know the answer all along, jealousy!

He was jealous that my dad cared more for me than him, like all dads do, they protect their injured child, like the animal kingdom, but he took it out on me so much.

I wish I could tell him how much he hurt not only me but the whole family, and yeah, he did, but I cant, cos he can never be there.

I was always there for him, but because daddy show me so much affection, was it me who rejected you!
Was it my fault?

Nah,

ste

 

[Moving_On _Out]

Hang in there. You need to really work through this yourself first. I felt close to my abuser for over 30 years after the abuse, I always felt that he was helping me, and it was his way of making things better for me. I was wrong. He was a sick f*ck that just took advantage of a young boy, and so did your brother. Work at feeling good about yourself. I don't think that you should feel any allegiance to your brother. He did some terrible things to you both mentally and physically.

 

[Ivanhoe]

Ya, finding that balance between wanting to set things right and getting strong enough yourself, is tricky. I had a sister that could really be abusive, and it took me a long time until I could hold her at arms length so that I could heal.
I'm rooting for you, ste, you'll have your day, of reconning, count on it.

David

 

[reality2k4]

The whole thing made me terrified to be in the house, I could never be in his space, like some dog dirt.

Yeah, I had problems and he made them so much worse by abusing me, I went to the same school as him, and he just ignored me like I was not his brother, God, I was glad when he left school.

When I met him in school with his 'friends' I look to see if he wants to know, and he just ignored me like I dont exist, but he just treated me like I dont exist, that is real hurt.

These memories are new memories I am getting back to, but maybe I did not want my mind to go back there, and there will be many more to find.

He knows he cannot terrify me now, he also knows I am stronger than him, and so is my little brother Dave who he beat up, but he cannot beat him anymore cos Dave is a load bigger than him.

I just wished he had been more sympathetic when I was hurt, and treated me like his little brother, who got hurt, instead of abandoning me and calling me IT, or things like that.

I dont know why he wanted to destroy my life, I dont know how he could be so callous, and make me scared to be in the house, and then I was terrified to be outside the house too, mainly because of him.

No wonder I ran away, got grounded and took all the blame for everything that went wrong!

I remember dad saying who did that? And I would scurry off, cos I knew it would always be me who got beat, school was the same, yeah, just blame me!

ste