Kick in the gut (serious triggers and talking about triggers)

Kick in the gut (serious triggers and talking about triggers)
R

RangerJ19

Registrant
Hi guys.

No one needs to reply to this, or even really read it.

I just needed to vent about something that felt like a kick in the gut.

I took a tip from Mike Lew's book Victim's No Longer, where it said we can't get our childhoods back, but we can get to know the child we were. He suggested getting a collection of pictures of ourselves as children.

So I was able to scrape together a collection of pictures of myself from about 6 until 11. Let me tell you, it really helped me a ton! I started to fall in love w/ that boy, that happy, innocent kid. And I started to think about the sort of future that the kid I was deserved to have, and still deserves to have. And I started to think how I want to do my best to give that boy the future he deserves, a happy ending, a happy ending no matter what sort of messed up garbage is in the middle chapters.

And I found that I loved showing my friends about those pictures. I loved introducing my friends to the boy I was, to the boy I loved. I was proud of that kid. He was a great kid. Maybe he's still there...

anyway, here's the part where it went sour.

I was showing a friend of mine the pictures, and he saw a picture of me at probably 10.5. He said "so that's you with the seductive pose and the 'come hither' hold on the kitten? I can see it now... 'My names ---- and I like long walks on the beach.'"

That was 6 months before I was abused the first time. I felt so G- D- filthy. I laughed and pretended I was just appaled at his sense of humor, but I was like... did the perp see me that way? Was I like that? Was I ....

*cusses.*

Look. I'm ok. Honestly, I'm ok.

I'm just grateful for this place. I'm so grateful for a safe place to say G- D- it... that HURT. THAT HURT SO BAD. Usually I feel like I'm doing ok. Then something stabs past the chinks in my armor straight to the heart.

That hurt really bad.

There. I feel better saying that. I feel better. Thank God for this place. I almost hope you guys don't read this 'cause I don't want to trigger or hurt anyone.

I just... I just needed someplace where it was ok to say that.

Thanks.

Peace.
 
Ranger,

I'd say you did yourself such a good thing looking at those pictures. I was doing the same thing several months back, where I was actually starting to love the boy in this picture of myself as an 11-year-old. A certain type of joy was overcoming me as I went toward loving that boy, the one who was such an outcast to the world.

As far as what your friend said, I would have been shocked at such a statement.

Thank you for sharing this.
 
Hi,

I really admire you both for looking at the pictures and I am glad it has helped.

For me I hate me in those pictures. I have no picture of me before the abuse and I won't look at the ones after the abuse. It turns my stomach. I was CSA at an early age.

I know I am screwed-up. I guess I should add it to the list with my T.

Thanks for bringing it up though.
 
Ranger:

What your friend said was inappropriate and stupid! I don't think that it had anything to do with you, personally. It's the typical homophobic sick humor that some people use. I've seen jocks call each other f***ot. I think it stems from our society.
Keep looking at those pictures and appreciate that innocent little boy. It's wonderful that you have been able to do that.
Sometimes people say things without thinking that can really hurt to the core.

sophiesdad
 
I am sorry your friend didn't realize his inconsideration by his remark and caused you pain. Mike Lew's book is so helpful to me, keep reading and staying focused on your recovery. Your renewed pain must be walked through and you have the support of us all to forge ahead with our endless support.
Ric
 
Thank you all so much for your support.

I have felt pretty down this evening at work (I work nights). Coming back to my apartment and seeing your encouragement and caring is wonderful. Thank you all so very much!

I wanted to let you know that I'm feeling better, and I'm not going to let a blow keep me from getting to know the wonderful boy I was!

Thanks again!
 
Ranger,

I'm sorry your friend said what he did. Obviously he does not understand what you have been through.

As for the "pose" you were a kid and no matter how you looked to your perp you were a kid and he was not. Just as women who wear revealing clothes are not asking to be sexually assaulted no one, no matter what, deserves to be abused.

Overall, the exercise of looking at pics was probably a good one. I know I have a couple of these gems of my own which I really like - both from before I was in grade one.

Peace,

Kenn
 
Ranger, I hope this helps and does not offend. Here I go
In the past I described my neice (7 year old neice) as suductive to my sister, her mom. At 7 she poured on the charm, as a kid can. I did not respond, ( an your perp was WRONG to respond). I noticed, comented, and got on with my life.
My point is this, if a kid, pours on the charm, and it might be called sudective it is the same if the kid gets into the car and pretends to drive.
THEY are not driving. Even if someone notices they think they are driving, they are not.
And any sane person would not get into a car with a 7 year old driver
think about it,
Dan
 
Dan,

Thanks. That's an excellent point, and it helps to think about it.

Me.
 
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