Hey Em,
I just read your posts (most all of them). Good to find you here. I dunno--maybe it's partly the age-thing, but your posts just struck me as very similar to what I've been going through.
I find this paragraph of yours:
"I have at times obsessed about pornography I am ashamed to say. I have tried to control people, and have felt either everything was great or everything was completely hopeless. I have always felt very guilty about my sexual desires and my past experiences. I have felt very alone for 20 years. I have even felt alone and detached from God, who i believe in but do not understand."
especially interesting (and similar to my oen feelings at times). Also, your comment about wanting to tell ex-girlfriends, and now how to deal with friends are all very similar to what I've dealt with.
Let me explain a little bit my story, just so you can see my perspective (and hopefully without having to read the countless e-mails I have written).
Like you, I was abused as a child. I was having an asthma attack at the time of my abuse, and was told to do something sexual to a family "help"/maid (a man) to help me feel better.
This was abuse that I did not remember for a long while. A few years later these did come back to me though. Still, I kept it a secret. I finally came to grips with the abuse (well partly) when I told a girlfriend of mine (this was a few years ago in college). At the time it was traumatic but cathartic at the same time, but I was not fully expressive of all the issues.
The other issue that I was dealing with though was my homosexuality (of course, I realize you don't have this issue). At the time I could not sort out these issues still. I was especially troubled--I hid in my shame.
Only about a year ago did I fully sort these issues out, and get out of the closet. I talked with tons of people in religious circles in particular, as my faith was the biggest hangup for me. Now, having found tons of practicing gay Christian men and women (happily in homosexual relationships), I finally feel "home."
Still, in some ways, I am still closeted and not fully comfortable in my own skin (fully just because I have this fear of discrimination--which is in some ways real but mostly paranoia). Overall, I am certainly happy--having reconciled my sexuality with my Christian faith, some of my closest friends, and my life in general AND having sorted out my abuse from my sexuality.
Now I say this because I feel like throughout my "coming out" experience (both sexuality and abuse which I pretty much told to people at the same time), I went through the same issues. Especially as someone who is young, I think we tend to be overly idealistic and excited.
This is not to say you should not be, of course. Indeed, you should be happy, idealistic, and excited. You've taken the steps to finally sorting your life together. However, personally, I find that sometimes you have to be a little careful about making drastic choices. You are at an extremely emotional time in your life (albeit happy), and I find that it is tough to say judge people as being good/bad and then hastily withdrawing from them. Furthermore, it is also tough to all of a sudden start rehashing your past to ex-girlfriends. This is not to say that apologies and the like should not be made. Indeed, it may very well be that your decision to write them, etc., (as I believe you said in another post) may very well be the right one.
Still, I am just cautioning you on being too quick. As you said yourself, sometimes you can be overly great or hopeless. Like you say, these can be cyclical. I have a feeling, right now, that you are on the "overly great" mood, and while that is great, I am worried about a possible crash back to hopelessness. I say this because especially since I came out with my issues, I notice this in myself--the extremes. It helps sometimes to temper your excitement and just do a quick reality check--like, for instance, asking yourself why you really want to write the letter to your exes (is it to make them feel better or mostly just to vent--and if it is the latter, would they really be the best people to whom I should talk about this?). The answer may be yes, of course, but I just want you to be a little careful.
Furthermore, put your thoughts about people/friends in FULL perspective. Yes, you may have reached some sort of enlightenment period, but as someone who has recently felt this way as well, I would caution you on making harsh decisions as whether or not to keep friends based on what you feel about them RIGHT AFTER you are extremely emotional (i.e. coming to terms with your abuse). Reasoned judgments (in my opinion) are best made when one is not overly emotional (be that emotion be good or bad).
If I am correct about our experience (being similar), I have a feeling you just have this desire to start something new...to do something radical. That is in many ways good and great. After all our abuse, we want to shove some old things aside. However, friends and family need not be these agents to be changed (particularly if just months before you thought well of them). In fact, you could instead make it say (as stupid as this may sound) getting a new haircut, going on a specific diet, getting a new hobby, pursuing writing or other interests more, getting on a new exercise regimen, or finding new friends. Whatever it may be is your choice, but to think of actually disposing friends and family is a major step--and one that I would not take lightly. Sleep on it a few days and maybe weeks. You can distance yourself a little bit, but just be careful with severing old ties. The last thing you want is to be going through a lot of changes and stumbles (as will be inevitable in all our journeys) with no one around to help you. At a time when you are going through a lot of changes, stability also helps.
Of course, these are just my humble opinions. Take them or leave them. To answer your question though, yes, your feelings are shared. One amazing thing I find about the abuse is that the "unique" patterns I found in me, are actually quite common. That I think is something you shouldn't forget--you're not alone. There are others like you--and many who are now fully pursuing their dreams.
Good luck, God Bless, and good to find you here.
