Just wondering...

Hey all. Quick intro. I am 61. I have SSA feelings since about 15 or 15. So, I grew up as a Air Force brat. I hope it is ok that I am here. So, here is my situation. Up until I was 12, I was what I would say as pretty even keeled. I had friends, etc. At 10, an older kid tried to get me into playing strip poker and I did play. Don't know how many times. I was nerdy, but always had friends. I was a scout in VA, Newport Rhode Island and Mountain Home Idaho. School in Rhode Island was ok, except some kid started beating me up. Then I moved to Mountain Home AFB in Idaho. That's when things got interesting.

I joined the scout troop at Mountain Home. The scoutmaster was very charismatic. So much so that he moved to Alaska and us kids gave the new guy hell, literal Hell. To get past all of that, he left and then came back some point. At about 55, I was looking at old pictures and saw a picture of him. It made me feel funny. I started considering the abuse possibility.

First because his picture made me feel strange. Second because I had been even keeled up to that time. Then, we moved to Idaho and things started to change. I know that hormones can cause this, but then I started being depressed all the time. We moved in to one house and were there about 1/2 year. Then, Dad got promoted to Vice-Wing Commander and we moved to another house.

This is too long I am sorry. So I met a guy and he and i became great buddies. At this time i became sort of hiding feelings. Except for maybe one other guy, only Mike knew when I was angry because I was mostly silent and would communicate through my facial expressions as far as feelings go. I tried to take lots of tylenol to kill my self and also got into self harm. Nothing bloody but i tried to hurt my ankles with hot water from the tap. Ok, that is just a little. My scoutmaster was the abuser, I wrote something under the influence of Ambien, and based on a little snippet of memory, that My scoutmaster prostituted me (I have a memory of someone paying him), used me in some pornography (I have a memory of finding out he was filming and then i stole a can of film and hid it in our house), and me initiating some of it. What I wrote indicated that he might have had a beef with my dad, but naturally a Sargeant couldn't do anything directly, so I was a surrogate. I also remember hiding something in the house attic.

My biggest problem is wondering if I made this up or not. I am seeing a therapist and will try EMDR to see if that helps. But it kills me not knowing. I also don't want to accuse someone of something fictitious. So, what do I do? Its been 10 years since i have been thinking about this. Since I was 12, I have been wanting to die, but I had an uncle kill himself while all of this was going on and my mom killed herself when my daughter was 13 or so. I won't kill myself because I have got to stop the cycle in my family. How do I stop thinking of this. I know it is stupid, but I have,if he did anything forgiven him. I don't want retribution, I just want to know the truth and fix whatever effects there were.

Sorry to bend your ear and hope this was the right place to post lis. If not, tell me where I shold post it. Thanks.


Koko Joe

Hey, this is the right place for something like this and you never have to say sorry for doing so.

Many of us have similar experiences to yours - remembering but not quite sure. I've heard EMDR is extremely helpful and I hope it works well for you.

As far as 'knowing for sure'...I wish I could help you better. I'm kind of in the same boat where I remember some stuff, but the rest is blank. I want to know the truth and have been delving the last four or five months to find it.

What I've discovered is much of it comes on its own, without trying. Just have to be patient and make sure you have plenty of support. Friends, family, or therapist or all. Of course, you always have this site and it's filled with people who can at the very least listen.

Best of luck and remember to be kind to yourself.
Is it normal fo a survivor to feel like a 12 year old when talking to adults. I may be 61 but that is how I feel often times.

Koko Joe

I feel that way a lot of the time, even before I started remembering stuff. A therapist will be able to do a better job explaining why that happens than I will.
I think I sort of understand. I don't go to AA anymore, but am still active with an organization that treats addicts. In that, they tell us that we stop growing when we start medicating. I never thought of masturbating as medicating, but after the abuse, when we moved form Mountain Home AFB to Nellis, there was no more abuse. I started masturbating and sniffing glue, which had to be ok because it wasn't a drug or so I thought. So basically, I self medicated starting around 13 and still do. I guess it has stunted my growth emotionally some. That may be the reason. For once, I wish I knew what it felt like to be a man.
Hey, Joe.

It has been great talking to you here, but I think I am going to move to the male survivor forum. The reason is I have never been a member of the military. I just grew up in it and don't want to intrude on the brotherhood military members share. You guys need to know that I grew up admiring members of the military and that has not changed. I can't think of anyone I admire more. Military people are the greatest people I know. Being here though makes me feel like an imposter since the abuse was carried out by a couple of military guys but I was never in the military. God bless you all.