Just wanted to share a poem that I wrote.

Oncewaslost

Registrant
*Trigger Warning-some religious context*

I wrote this poem in 2004 and sent it to my brother in 2015 when I legally changed my name.

STILL?
I thought I forgave
I thought I was free
These things from my past
Bring me to my knees

I cry out to God
I'm begging him please
these things from my youth
just won't seem to leave

why didn't I just do it?
suicide the option
but, I couldn't go through with it
and I'm still crying out
hoping one day I change
hoping one day God rids me
of all this heartache and pain
molested 12 years
equals a life of fear and a whole lot of tears

but I'm not crying now
at least not in defeat
I gave my life to Jesus
now I bow at his feet

but, it ain't finished yet
strayed off the path
the devil had set
he had a plan for me
it ended six feet below
but, it started in a "good"
or a "functional home"

Mom and Dad were working
while my brother raised us kids
no one ever thought to think of what the problem is

I'm crying when you leave,
I'm crying when you come home.
still no one seemed to listen
in our so called "perfect home".

Until police came to our door
and opened up your eyes
now for once we finally see
behind the dark disguise

a life of lies to hide behind
a life of secret sins.
A man? A child? In our home?
When did this begin?

Did you know the pain you'd bring?
Brother did you think?
Did you know how Mom would cry?
How often Dad would drink?

Did you know the choice you made,
would bring you to know Christ?
And what the Devil meant for wrong
would give eternal life

That's life, it's just not perfect,
Sometimes I wonder
if it will ever be worth it.

STILL...

Written by Matthew Owenby 2004

We need to talk, I need you to know and understand that I was by no means a willing participant in the violation you committed against my trust and my soul, by using me as your own personal sex slave. I would like to know when and how this started? How old I was when you started touching me. I would also like to know If there is an ounce of remorse in your heart for the pain you have caused our family? It has been difficult to see your picture or even hear or say your name without cringing and wanting to go into a blind rage. I know that you exist, but I have blocked you out of my memories in every way I can. Unfortunately, this means I can't remember much from my childhood. If it wasn't for the fact that I want to remember the good times that our family had, I would never even try to retrieve these memories. I know that you did not know what you were doing would cause so many problems for yourself and for that reason you might feel bad, but it was so much more difficult to be left here with the family that has been severed. Dad always trying to reunite us and Mom always allowing Dad to guide the family down his drunken (selfish) path that cannot and will not ever be mended (e.g. making me visit you on our family vacations as though nothing had happened).
I don't want anything from you, just for you to know that by the time I was eleven I obeyed you without argument and that may have felt like a willing participation, but it wasn't. You are so lucky that I have not acted on the hate that I have had for you, I will not act on this hate. I will let you go on living your life as though you're happy, because I know that the torment that you have burdened me with is also burdening you and that gives me great joy. I can forgive you for your ignorant actions, but the hardest thing for me to even think to accept or forgive is that you have never even gave me the slightest hint that you are sorry for the way your actions have affected us and more specifically me. My point in writing you has nothing to do with you or your response, I am going to heal and I am not going to care who hears my story. Dad has suppressed me and guilt tripped me long enough. If you have a side of the story such as; you were molested, the situation with your sister/mom messed you up, I don't know you had a fascination or unhealthy infatuation, whatever the case, I'm done pretending that you don't exist and I'm taking my mind back. All the areas that I won't think about because you were there are now available for me to remember at my own free will as I see fit. You may have been a lot older and stronger , but My God is Greater, he found me in my suffering and gave me hope. I hope you come to a place where you have accepted the love of God and move on with your life, but I also hope that you reflect often on your mistakes and never repeat them. Either way you're not my problem.
 
Thank you for sharing your strong poem, and your letter to him. I'm glad you were able to do that work on yourself back then. I know it doesn't really matter, and I know we are supposed to send those letters without having any expectations of a reply, but I was simply curious if he ever did reply and show any remorse? Don't want to pick at a scab, so I understand of you don't wish to reply.

I think it helps all of us to share aspects of our journey in survivorship, both past and present, so thank you again.
 

Oncewaslost

Registrant
I actually created a fake Facebook profile and sent him this through there.... When he didn't reply, I found his number and called him. He was the manager of a Chili's at the time. So, I left him a voicemail stating that I had already gone through his friends list and I would be sending friend request to all of his friends if he didn't reply. I told him that I would post this poem on the wall of my Facebook page with his picture. Needless to say, he called me back and told me that he would call me in the evening. Since I knew what time you would be calling, I did a three way call with my girlfriend and had her put her phone on silent (I knew that I would block out everything so I needed her to be my memory). He answered all my questions and I finally understood why the abuse got worse in the final 2-3 years. Apparently, he had been raped when he was 16. He started molesting me when he was 10 and I was 2.
 

Oncewaslost

Registrant
I actually created a fake Facebook profile and sent him this through there.... When he didn't reply, I found his number and called him. He was the manager of a Chili's at the time. So, I left him a voicemail stating that I had already gone through his friends list and I would be sending friend request to all of his friends if he didn't reply. I told him that I would post this poem on the wall of my Facebook page with his picture. Needless to say, he called me back and told me that he would call me in the evening. Since I knew what time you would be calling, I did a three way call with my girlfriend and had her put her phone on silent (I knew that I would block out everything so I needed her to be my memory). He answered all my questions and I finally understood why the abuse got worse in the final 2-3 years. Apparently, he had been raped when he was 16. He started molesting me when he was 10 and I was 2.
Most of my issues now are dealing with how my parents dealt with the situation.
 

Harry

Registrant
Matt, you didn't mention whether or not your brother apologized to you in your conversation. Did he?
Overdue apologies are better than no apologies. Explaining one's rationalization for making a mistake is not an apology.
 

Oncewaslost

Registrant
Not in so many words... she said that none of our family members did anything like that to him and he doesn't know what made him start doing it to me. To my recollection he never actually apologized. I will have to ask my girlfriend if he did. But I'm about 90% sure that he didn't
 
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