Just thinking

Just thinking
B

Brokenhearted

Registrant
Today I have been just thinking....mostly wishful thoughts, like if only my husband could have come to me or someone 6 yrs ago when we lost our first baby and said, "Hey, I'm really hurting, and I'm feeling like doing some things that aren't right," etc. If only the lies hadn't lasted so darn long.

I was hurting too, and I still hurt if I see little baby boy clothes at a store, or boys' clothes that are toddler size, which is the size he would have been today if he'd lived.

I guess his compulsion/fear/weakness/pain was stronger than his love for me....here I go, getting down in the dumps today! -- I told you I would again! -- but I know his thinking isn't rational -- my T said it's DISTORTED. So I have to remember that.

That's ok, it just illustrates how strong his pain was/is, not how weak our love is. His pain took over all his intellect, he went by his distorted emotions, etc.

Man, it just is so sad. Today I'm mostly feeling sad for all the times he's been w/ other women and/or men instead of ME. Just hurts is all. And I am sure I will hurt for a while from it, as it sinks in more, and my T will help me w/ it, thankfully. I don't want to beat him up about it because that will cause more shame/guilt and then what -- might make him go off and do it some more to feel better temporarily??? That's not a solution.

He goes out of town for 2 wks Fri. so I will try to pick up where we left off when he returns. I believe where we left off is possibly taking baby steps toward him seeing a T, but maybe for the time being and for a while, if he'd just come to this website that would be great in my opinion. I'll have to probably delete a lot of my posts. How does that happen? If you delete one that began a topic, then do all others in reply to it get deleted also? Because it wouldn't make sense if the first one is missing, right? I hate to delete but feel it might be best in case he does ever come here. I have begun emailing him some topics from here. Not sure if he reads them or if he even sees they're relevant to him yet but I'll keep doing it just in case there's one where he'll go, "Wow, that's me too."

My hope is that he will choose to change so we can continue to have our family together. I have to keep praying that his "other life" is not so attractive to him now that I know about it. Maybe it's more alluring if kept in secret, in the dark.

I think overall I feel pretty good about things -- if he had wanted to move away and start over where no one knows anything about him, he would have done that by now. I think it's just a tough situation for any partner to endure. :(

I'm going to go eat some chocolate!! :)
 
Brokenhearted,

Chocolate therapy - my favorite! :) Seriously, I feel so bad when I see you going through all this - I know all I can really do is hope it all works out for you and offer ideas that have in some way been helpful to me.

But one thing you say I do want to emphasize:

but I know his thinking isn't rational -- my T said it's DISTORTED. So I have to remember that.
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That's so true; the way survivors respond to the turmoil of their abuse is often just 100% emotion - logic and rationality have little or nothing to do with it. I know that sounds pretty serious, and it is, but it also means the survivor isn't acting based on a deliberate choice AGAINST his partner and family. He's responding emotionally to waves of negative feelings and judgments he has against himself.

Much love,
Larry
 
Dear Brokenhearted,

I'm sorry that you lost your little boy. I imagine that he is always somewhere present for you, and I can appreciate your wish that everything could have gone differently.

What I really respect about how you talk about things is that you seem so clear about your feelings. This is a great model for your husband and for your daughter. Still, of course, they are their own separate selves with their own life journeys. Certainly this has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn as a partner and as a mother; I often find it very challenging to understand how we can be so intertwined yet so independent, and to be at peace with whatever is to come for my children and partner as well as for me.

I can sense, though, that you have the internal serenity to cope with whatever develops. Your faith is very inspiring to me. Still, I second the encouragement you have heard from other people to take care of yourself. This is a good way, isn't it, to reach out to each other?

Blessings to you and yours as you move forward.
HG
 
Larry,

You continue to help me more than you will ever know. :)

Dark or milk chocolate? My favorite is dark...
 
Brokenhearted,

Dark if I have a great cup of coffee to go with it, otherwise milk. Ahhhhhhhh, chocolate.... :)

Much drooling,
Larry
 
Brokenhearted,

Even though my husband and I are separated and getting a divorce I still hurt everyday. I think about all the women he has been with. The women he is seeing right now and talking to; it hurts like H**L!! But like you I know it all stems from the CSA. He is trying to find things to satisfy he craving for love/being wanted etc. And yes even though we as wives are willing to give that to them they just can't/wont' allow us to. It also hurts me that he does not wear his wedding band anymore. But funny thing I have been to his apt. and he has it sitting on his dresser??? So if he was really over the MARRIAGE why would he be keeping it??? Who knows??
I will keep you, your husband and your daughter in my prayers.

Ginny
 
Ginny,

The other night mine said, "I'm looking for something I'm never going to find" and I'm glad he said that. About a week ago he said, "I'm destroying everything I've worked so hard for."

Mine still wears his ring although sometimes he is forgetful to do so and maybe more "forgetful" in the last few months, it seems. Hope yours is keeping his for a reason and not just randomly.

I CANNOT dwell on the people he's been w/. I would be eaten alive if I did. If there had been just one, I would probably wonder what color her hair was or whatever. But with there being so many over such a long time, it can hardly matter.

Well, got to put my 3yo to bed - she's getting hyper.
 
Ginny and BH,

I don't know if this will help, but one of the things I learned as I tried to cope with my own abuse history was that if I gave in every time to the temptation to dwell on the details of what had happened to me years ago, I would never recover. I could easily spin my wheels in the past for the rest of my life.

The problem was that of course I deserved to think back and get angry or grieve over what had happened. But there was never going to be a point where I would "understand" what the abuser had done to me or figure out "why me"? I would just keep revisiting those events and never come away with the answers I wanted - and needed.

I finally realized, with my T's help, that at some point I would have to start turning away from that futile exercise and try to stay present and work on my current situation and my feelings as they are now. I could even see when the time for that was: after a certain point I noticed that I was rehashing everything - playing the same tapes in my head over and over again, if you like. I wasn't learning anything new. Maybe a few new details here and there, but nothing that was helping me much. That is, I realized that I had learned what I needed to learn from the past.

As I said, it was difficult to "leave" the past, and of course I don't mean that I never think about it now. Obviously I do. What I mean is that I don't plunge into the past as I used to and bring to it all the old and futile questions I had. I don't allow myself to get "stuck". I had reached the point where I could see that just because I had the RIGHT to express further anger and grief, that right didn't mean that going down that road all over again was going to be good for me.

Does this make sense for partners in their efforts to cope with their side of all this? I don't know - you would have to tell me. But I suspect it does make sense when I see you, Brokenhearted, saying something like this:

I CANNOT dwell on the people he's been w/. I would be eaten alive if I did. If there had been just one, I would probably wonder what color her hair was or whatever. But with there being so many over such a long time, it can hardly matter.
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That sounds like a very healthy attitude to me. You aren't saying you don't deserve to rage over all those episodes; you are just saying that aiming your emotional energy at that isn't something that's going to help you. You have your present and future to think of.

And what a cool example. Getting a hyper three-year-old into bed. I remember that one! Arrrghhhhh. :eek:

Hope this is worth thinking about.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, I must remember that. Present/future are all that matter now. What a waste of time to dwell on the past anyway. Sigh, makes me tired just thinking of it. What's done is done. And if I hurt from it for a while that's ok, too, just so I don't spend all my energy thinking about it. I am fortunate to have a great T to spill it to when I need to.

I happen to have one of those "past, present, future" diamond wedding rings. So there are 3 stones, and the big one is in the center. The meaning of the ring is to ask yourself what the middle one represents, the past, the present, or the future? It sure doesn't represent the past now. So I like to think the big one is for the future. :)

Also having my 3-yr-old has equipped me to deal w/ some of my husband's childlike behaviors. Like if he blows up at something and storms around, I keep my voice calm and let him know it's fine to feel the way he does but not fine to "throw a tantrum" or whatever. And often I hug him after he has gotten so mad like that, just as I do my 3-yr-old and it always equalizes things and they don't stay mad long that way. That's a small example but there are many others... but maybe there's a reason I had a child before having to deal with this whole thing, to help me know how to cope in another way, besides finding this website, because the childish emotions ARE different than grown-up ones.

Yeah, I think the past will only slow us down. I'd rather spend my energy on more positive thoughts when I can. Sometimes the negative ones will creep in, like they kind of did today, but I believe I can learn to turn them around or stop them. I am reminded of a chapter I read from a book called "Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort & Joy" about a plane crash that killed a few women friends. And the question the chapter asked was, "What were their last thoughts?" Did they use them up thinking about something negative or something good? I think it made an impression on me because "last thoughts" can happen without our knowing it.

Anyway, I need to print out your posts to me to keep so I can re-read them when I need to. They are truly encouraging while also being realistic.
 
Honey Girl,

Thank you for your kind words. I do rely on my faith. I guess I try to look at this in terms of eternity. "When we've been there 10,000 years," what's it going to matter how we got there? As long as we get there!

My greatest concern, in all honesty, is that my husband gets to be there too. I think a lot about God's love for us, how we are his little children, and I understand it more than ever now that I have a child of my own (well, two if you count my husband!). I'm not a "holy roller" or anything, just a person who has Jesus in her heart, and it changed the way I used to see things.

I have a lot of faith. I have always been close to my dear parents. My mom told me she always used to pray for me and my brothers every day and I have no doubt it had an impact. My dear mom has Alzheimer's at age 70, my formerly trilingual (English,Spanish,German) and very intelligent and gentle dad had a major stroke the day before Easter, and it won't be too many yrs before they both will go to Heaven, but you know what, they will get to meet their grandson and that will be some day. I'm rambling now. But I keep my eyes on the very far horizon and I know it helps me.
 
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