Just plain sadness ***TRIGGER WARNING***

[bbats123]

I'm not sure why I feel the need to post this today other than to say things to you all that others don't understand.

I am just sad. I feel really alone, even when I'm with my family. I feel sad that I don't have any way to feel the love I need and want. I feel empty, hopeless about the future mostly because I imagine everyday feeling like today. I try to get back to the regular, depressed me from b4 the time I started to realize I had been abused when I was 10-11.

I work hard to get above the hurt but it's hard when things like a comedy sketch about a colonoscopy can stir up my feelings, or being in a Hanes underwear store and realize I've wandered into a part of my mind that involves underwear I have to throw away because of stains of some kind.

I want to find a place to rest but I'm always on alert and realizing that makes me think about what happened.

I read a book called 'A Place Called Winter' and the final scene is just the two main characters lying in bed, fully clothed and feeling safe and whole together. That's what I crave and cant find.

Thanks guys,

B

 

[manipulated]

Bbats I have wandered that winter and craved that companionship of fully clothed companionship as well as the loneliness of a family gsthering. It’s not easy but it does get better and it starts by acknowledging you see no light out of the solitary pit. Thank you for trusting us enough to share with us. Together we stand.

 

[F.A.]

@bbats123 I understand, I fall into that part of loneliness that no one can get inside of or hope to understand but other survivors. I send you a hug and the knowing you are not alone.

 

[Strangeways]

@bbats123, that's how I felt at my lowest... Alone. Empty. Hopeless. And then things suddenly got better for me. I know you can get there, too. We're all backing you up.

 

[i-m-Bri]

bbats123,

I am so sorry you are in such a dark place. I hope you can find the strength to keep looking for what you crave, even if you can only scratch at it every day. Trust me, taking the journey WILL be worth it.
Keep fighting.

 

[Pollux]

I’m sorry you feel unsafe and going through a hard time.

I will have to check out “A Place Called Winter”.

Your posts reminds me of a song.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

 

[KMCINVA]

bbats123

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Loneliness can be crippling. People think you cannot feel loneliness when surrounded by family and others. I came to realize I could not feel others feeling, I only felt alone and attacked. It created an unsafe environment for me, preventing me from healing and feeling. It reinforced negative feelings, emotions and memories. I began to write my thoughts, I met people who were not intimidating to me, they had a demeanor of openness and love. It allowed me to feel safe. It was not instantaneous, it took time. I hope you can find people who have the ability to let you feel part of their lives so you can begin to feel the loving emotions of others.

I hope you are seeing a therapist and/or doctor who can guide you and provide some medication to get you out of sadness. Sadness can lead us down a slippery path. Please take care of yourself. We are here for you--reach out, vent, rant.

Kevin

 

[Pollux]

I met people who were not intimidating to me, they had a demeanor of openness and love. It allowed me to feel safe.

Where do you find people like that?

 

[KMCINVA]

Where do you find people like that?

I was fortunate, a series of social meetings by a friend who knew these people could help me. I did not know this at the time of meeting. She knew there are those who can relate to people in a different way She is a good person but knew I needed more. She did not want to cause more damage by saying and doing the wrong thing. Someone said to me sometimes an angel comes into your life to lead you somewhere good.

I guess it was luck or maybe fate. Being opened and taking a risk can open many doors.

Kevin

 

[Pollux]

I was fortunate, a series of social meetings by a friend who knew these people could help me. I did not know this at the time of meeting. She knew there are those who can relate to people in a different way She is a good person but knew I needed more. She did not want to cause more damage by saying and doing the wrong thing. Someone said to me sometimes an angel comes into your life to lead you somewhere good.

I guess it was luck or maybe fate. Being opened and taking a risk can open many doors.

Kevin

Very good!!!

 

[Gistin]

@bbats123 I've been going through the same thing, going through the workout of processing alone, and while we're all here virtually for each other, some walk alone in this struggle. The thing is, you posted here to share, and I hope in our words this brings you some comfort.

I like the question @SDD757 asked "Where do you find people like that?" and the response @KMCINVA said "Being opened and taking a risk can open many doors.", which takes a lot of strength, but holds so much truth. 2n or the Power of Two.

One of my greatest challenges is allowing one to stand by me as I go through all this. I'm learning you can't do it alone. Right now I just have my T to hear me, but I need someone in real life I can trust, so I'm assessing my landscape to find a confidant. It may take me forever to find someone, the exercise in getting there only closes the gap of time of walking through this world and shit alone.

Today, here, as a collective - we're stronger than the ghosts, and tricks played on your heart.

-G

 

[NC-Survivor]

Very wise words, Gistin! "Assessing the landscape" works well. Yes you cannot trust just anyone, but you need to trust someone! I pray for guidance for all in your "landscape assessment" searching for an IRL confidante.

 

[bbats123]

Thanks everyone for all of your support, ideas, hugs, the youtube video (i love that song) and experiences. It felt good to be reminded that you are all there with me.

I was talking to my therapist about not having an IRL confidant. Like Gistin, she is my only outlet and I am so thankful for her. I do crave a real person to talk to and share with so the search continues. There are no support groups in my area and I even looked in neighboring states and the nearest one is 4 hrs away. At this point, I may decide to make the drive at least once to see what it's like.

Seems like a big obstacle to finding a IRL person is the desire to isolate myself and 'hide' from the feelings and memories. It's a rough paradox to sort out. That's why I keep up with you guys. I couldn't be in a place to talk about this without all of you. Thanks everyone.

B