Just one of those days...

[JeffLRich]

Just having one of those days when I feel like absolute crap. That it's all a bit pointless in the long run. That no matter what I do, in the end I'll just be the samed damned person I always was before I started trying to make myself "better".

I mean, how do we find that person we were before the abuse started? How do we get back to that core being of self that has been pushed into the muck of life? Does it even exist any longer?

I know that I'll be fine tomorrow, just as I know I was fine yesterday and that something must have snuck into my dreams last night to remind me of my worthlessness, but today, in the mire of this muck I just want it all to be over with and to be that person that I know must be there grugling in the quicksand of my existance, struggling to get back out and breath free again. And I'm at a loss as to how to rescue him.

As you can tell, I'm feeling a bit dramatic today and this too shall pass, I'm sure. It all just comes and goes and the longer I deal with this the wider the gap in between the good days and the bad days, but the bad days still come. Out of the blue I get hit with it all over again and I sit dumbfounded and blind-sided wondering why, again. Why won't it just go away? Why can't I just "get over it"? Why can something that happened so long ago still trip me up 23 years later? Why? Why? Why?

Then I tell myself that Why is just a truncated Whine, and I get annoyed with myslef at the self-absorbancy that is sopping up all my will to continue the fight. I tell myself to just stop "whying". And that's when I realize that that voice is the voice of the person I was before the abuse started, that I was always that person and always will be but it's my job to keep him unsheathed of the layers of muck that seems to cling to me with every step. That it is I who have the choice to let the demons that sneak into my dreams sneak into my day. That I can expell them now because I have the ability to recognize them before they drag me back down into the quicksand of my memories.

I think I just talked myslef out of feeling like crap today. I think I just realized that it's only pointless if I let it be pointless. That I am still striving daily to not be a worthless being. That I AM that core being and always will be no matter what they did to me as a child or what I do to myself as an adult.

Thanks, I needed to get that out.

Jeff

 

[Mike Church]

Jeff to rant is one of the things you can do here without remorse of confronting judgement. Sometimes you really have to get it out. We all know the feelings that come on out of the blue. They are some of the left over shit of abuse. God damn those bastards to hell.

(((((((((((((((JEFF))))))))))))))))))

 

[Mr Toots]

That it is I who have the choice to let the demons that sneak into my dreams sneak into my day. That I can expell them now because I have the ability to recognize them before they drag me back down into the quicksand of my memories.

And sometimes rants help more than just the person doing the ranting.

Thanks, I love the quote and will try to remember it.

 

[Leosha]

Originally posted by JeffLRich:
Just having one of those days when I feel like absolute crap. That it's all a bit pointless in the long run. That no matter what I do, in the end I'll just be the samed damned person I always was before I started trying to make myself "better".

This is impossible. It is impossible to put information into our brains without it changing us. Unless we are very low mental, or in coma or something. You will not be 'same dammed person'. You maybe WILL act same dammed way, that is always possible. But you will not be same person, because you will have knowledge that you did not have before.

Everyone needs to 'why' sometime. Everyone need to 'whine' sometime also! It don't help us, but to be able to do it, to be able to 'vent' those feelings and frustrations do help us. So just keep faith that you are doing what you need to. Be gentle with yourself.

Leosha