just need to vent

just need to vent
S

swartzhund

Registrant
woke up this morning pissed off and asking why.....why do i have to be a so called "survivor".....i don't want this....why can't i just be a regular guy.....why can't i just "fit in" for a change.....i hate myself so bad some times for being this messed up person i am.....i hate the people who made me this especially that pathetic waste of skin with the messed up brain.....i hate the people who didn't protect me even though they didn't know.....i scare myself sometimes....the thoughts that go through my head......i'm afraid of what i might be capable of if my inner rage ever came to light.....i'm sorry at the same time for the loved ones i've hurt over the years.....i'm sorry for hurting myself in so many ways.....they never deserved that and neither do i.....yet i continue to feel that i do deserve it and that i should not be loved or be allowed to love....the fight goes on
 
Why? Because some disgusting monster took it upon themselves to take advantage of you.

You can "fit in".

You can change. More importantly, how much and what do you want to change?

The thoughts that go through your head are a normal reaction to what that monster did to you. We all have them or have had them.

If you aren't, you need to go to someone for therapy. My inner rage came out in the form of the written word. I wrote letters to my perp. I was arrested for doing it.

Some of the loved ones that "you've hurt", don't even think that you have hurt them. That is smething inside of you talking. Others, yes, you probably have hurt them some, but it's very likely that it wasn't as much as YOU think that you did.

Hurting yourself, well, now that you know that you have been doing it, what are you going to do to stop doing it?

Yes, you do deserve love.
 
learning to fogive yourself, and to love yourself again takes time. when a person hates their self, it is amazing what they can do. you just dont have the self-respect and self-value to stop or even care that much. you feel like you deserve no better.

i want to tell you, you deserve better. you are a loving, compassionate man, or you wouldnt even be here. i am proud of you for coming here and facing your demons. you should be too. many never try to heal. you should aplaud yourself for trying.

hang in there, and keep digging. relief is out there if you can only find it.
 
In addition to what the other guys have written and, especially, phoster's encouragement to forgive yourself, I would urge you to think about dropping labels.

This is something that I have struggled with. For many years my feelings of not fitting in, my negative self-image, and self-blaming, I see now, were in part about not fitting labels that I was choosing for myself or that were being placed on me.

"Regular guy" is as much a label as "survivor." I've found that I don't need either one of these or anything like them to talk about myself here and that fact alone has been a huge relief.

I wonder if a 'regular' guy really exists anywhere except on the surface. I think we all harbor inner torments of one kind or another and that men are especially good at hiding them.
 
Thank you all so much. Its so nice to be able to share this stuff with people who have been there and understand. You all make good points and just know that I DO listen and take them to heart. No, I'm not in therapy......right now, talking like this in front of another person seems impossible....I know I need it.....I've known it for years. I'm hoping that if I keep coming to sites like this and learning from the good people I meet that I will be able to take that step. Until then, thanks for you encouragement.
 
brian taking that leap, and committing to seeing someone was the most frightening thing i have ever done. i came here, i talked and learned to open up, and in time, i knew i couldnt fix myself. i knew i needed help. i found Dr. Fradkin's name here, and it just happened he was in my town. i knew if anyone could help me, it was him. i promised myself that i was going to be open and honest, and i forced myself to talk about the things i wanted to hide the most. i knew they were the things i needed help for. i told him awful things, and he didnt blink. he was always supportive, non-judgmental and kind. i hope you find it inside to take that next step. i will help set you free, if you make yourself do the work you need to do. that means saying what you dont want to say, and exploring things you want to forget. i know you can. hang in there.
 
i know i just have to make myself do it but i don't want to push myself too hard. i have been on here and another forum quite a lot in the last few weeks and i kind of feel like if i do to much or push too hard that i will get depressed or burned out and give up and thats not what i want. I need to take my time but not too much. i'm trying to improve.
 
Brian - to be a survivor is not such a bad thing (the reasons that we are survivors are).

To survive is to win - we have survived, so now we must learn to live!

Brayton says that we should drop labels & I agree that we should drop anything that is derogatory to ourselves or others.

I have other labels that I will not drop:

Best Man, Best Friend, A Boss that Listens, Favourite Uncle, Good Bloke, 'Nice' (the one I used to hate, but it's better than nasty)- won't bleat on too much...but some ideas of how you can positively label yourself!

Best wishes ..Rik
 
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