just make it stop

[MarkK]

i’m glad the week is over. It has been an unusually LONG week – not so much at work, just the heavy cloud of depression and a week of flashbacks and nightmares. Woke up at 3am again screaming in pain. Of course, i wasn’t REALLY in pain, just the mind thought i was. And that’s more than enough to make it real. At least this time there was no blood.

i desperately need a break from yesterday’s trauma. i know it happened. i admit it happened. i am sorry it happened. but it happened. and it’s more than time for me to grow up and MOVE ON!

So very angry at myself right now for holding on to this. All the BS lines i’ve read and been told keep replaying in my head.

When do i get to leave the past in the past and start looking for the future? i am not STRONG enough to keep up this pace.

Dear Lord i just want it to end.

 

[KMCINVA]

MarK

I am sorry you are having a very difficult. Flashbacks and nightmares can be debilitating and emotionally painful. Sometimes they are triggered by feelings or emotions of remembering the abuse and some say the body and minds way to release the memories and pain we harbored for so long. Regardless, they are painful. Emotional and psychological pain is as devastating as physical pain.

You cannot get mad at yourself, you are processing the past. I wish there was an easy way but it seems most of us travel a similar road when healing. When shall it pass is different for each of us, for all find support and resolution differently. We all hit rock bottom differently.

You are stronger than you realize. You survived the abuse and have survived a long period of healing. Reach out to those who love and support you. We are here for you--

Take care of yourself.

Kevin

 

[DannyT]

Mark,

I really feel for you. There's nothing quite like a major depression/anxiety zone.

As I'm sure you know, getting mad at yourself is a natural part of the whole process, and sometimes like it just takes forever for the healing to happen.

Just try to be there for yourself as you go through it.

One thing that helps me (especially if I'm in bed): I just stroke my arm or forehead and say over and over, "I surrender," or "I'm safe and I surrender."

Those words might not be the ones you need to hear, so that was just my version of the technique. The point is that when I repeat that phrase over and over again while the waves of anxiety are hitting, I can start to breathe again. And gradually the waves usuall receed somewhat.

I sure wish you all the best,

DannyT

 

[Brian3022]

MarkK hang in there. I don't know when it will get better, but I know it will get better. I know where you're at, it's dark and heavy. You're strong enough, you're just tried of being strong. That's okay and totally justified. Just take a break from it. Go for a walk, listen to music. It gets better in time, and when you come out the other side you'll be a better person. Hang in there, and I'm always there if you need to talk.
Brian

 

[MarkK]

new week - no progress. this is no better than last week. if anything, it's adding TO last week's level of pain.
"cannot be angry with myself" - actually, yeah - i can. i have every right, i'm the one that's failing to grow up, failing to move on, failing, failing failing. more than anyone, i have the right to be furious with myself for the failures.
"it will get better"?? i doubt that. i understand the intent and the wish to help, but the truth of the matter is no one knows whether or not things will improve or get worse. "take a break" - if only. but yes, taking a walk, listening to music - both are good for me, though the walking is a bit difficult anymore. but if i can manage a walk, walking with music on is a perfect blend of both techniques to take my mind away from things temporarily. it's the "temporarily" bit that hurts.
and "come out on the other side" ... sad - but when i envision "coming out on the other side" - it's always in a pine box.
wishful thinking, i suppose.

but bottom line - this week is running lower into the same dark pit.

 

[KMCINVA]

MarkK

I know how you feel. I have been there. The sense of failure is much apart of our psyche. I came to realize my failure of self and living had to do with the "adult" view I failed the child within. Not being able to remember or accept what happened, happened to a child and not the adult. The guilt and shame of going back haunted and controlled. I failed myself, thus I was not a worthy person. Getting over the shame and guilt helps you realize you are not a failure, you were a child.

I am glad you are trying coping mechanisms that help you get some relief. You will come out the other side--it takes time and I wish I knew of a painless way--for me it was very painful. I was rescued by many or if I had not met these people or friends had not rallied I would not be here.

Take your time, keeping finding relief and make sure you have support. We are here for you.

Kevin

 

[Ceremony]

too painful

 

[MarkK]

i don't want to do it any more

 

[oliverwendell]

Mark your postings scare me and as a 60 year old who has just recently chose to come out of my own dark closet of abuse I am embarrassed to say, that you have me scared. I'm scared to the point where you have convinced me to do more and work harder in my own recovery. But first, as crazy as this may sound.. I need to help my new friend Mark with his recovery. Others have reached out some you've probably know for awhile. Come on Mark, stop scaring the old man of this group and keep up the good fight just as you have been doing. I am so proud of your words and the way you can express yourself. You are doing the right thing by screaming in your postings. I envy the fact that you are able to do that. I'm no longer feeling scared now, only concerned for you. Ollie

 

[MarkK]

please note i have said i don't want to do this (recovery) any more. not that i am stopping it (or stopping anything else, such as living, though the thought is tempting) - i DON'T WANT TO DO IT anymore.
and, as much as it may surprise, you aren't the "old man of the group", ollie, as I am a bit older than you. i realize that is difficult (if not impossible) to see as how i am most frequently posting as the frightened 9-year-old trapped with in this aging frame.
and i sincerely wish i could "scream". maybe my postings do, which would be nice considering physically i am incapable of doing so. therapists have asked during sessions that i release some of the anger, depression, frustration, etc and scream. yell. something. but i cannot allow myself to do so. the beatings that resulted from such behavior have me well programmed to keep quiet, if not completely silent any longer.
i commend you from leaving your "own dark closet of abuse" and stepping into the light of truth. i understand how threatening such a "simple" act can be - and you are to be congratulated for it.
as for being concerned for me ... my only response is to not waste your time.

 

[oliverwendell]

Sorry Mark you are now stuck with me as a friend for as long as you choose. Waste my time.. Please!!

 

[MarkK]

Sorry Mark you are now stuck with me as a friend for as long as you choose.

precisely - as long as ***i*** choose
which i do - or don't, depending on your point of view

to quote you from another thread

My bells and whistles have been quieted by ... the fact that I do not believe your story.

 

[oliverwendell]

You lost me. Please explain.

 

[MarkK]

i chose not to have a friend i do not believe

 

[oliverwendell]

I apologize for what may have looked like I was ignoring you. I have been having Wi-Fi issues on and off all day. Comcast promises me that the issue has been resolved.

So I will back away and allow you to work things out. But do not mistake my backing away for turning away.

I have a saying with my friends and family when we are saying good bye to one another and that is..

"I'm only a phone call away!"

So due to the constraints of being online, let me offer this to you, as well as anyone, who may be reading this and that is..

"I'm only an e-mail or posting away!"

Ollie

 

[MarkK]

i have nothing to "work out"
i never did
i posted a statement on where i was mentally, emotionally and spiritually (and haven't really gone far from it even now)
the post was true
it still is
it's not something horrid that i have to overcome
it's not wrong
it just 'is'

and now i'm letting it go of a discussion that doesn't serve me