Dave,
I really appreciate your posting. I am a stumbler – one who has just stumbled across this site and someone who stumbles from the blow of realizing that I have not been able to recover successfully on my own sexual abuse until this point.
I am thirty now and very proud of who I am. I'm an international aid worker who has recently come back to the States both to pursue an advanced degree and to find a wife. The problem is that I have difficulties establishing long lasting relationships, particularly romantic relationships. In addition, I have compulsive behaviors that undermine my wellbeing.
Being a strong person, I took advantage of the University health coverage and first world medical facilities available to me in an attempt to iron out my issues and move forward in establishing a meaningful personal life.
Although I have now been seeing a therapist for 3 months, and he has hinted at my past sexual abuse being the cause for many of my issues, it was not until last night that I came to accept that I have not been successful in vanquishing these old demons.
As the holidays approached, I was feeling very depressed and suicidal. Last night was a particularly low point, and to distract me from dangerous behavior, I decided to do free association writing. I had never done this before, but I was so down and filled with sadness, that I could not read the book (about the historical beginnings of finance) that I had set aside for holiday reading as a distraction. I wrote ten pages without stopping, and it became clear from what I had written that I was still upset about being abused for so long and unprotected by those I told.
Feeling somewhat better through this exercise, I searched the net for information on sexual abuse. Eventually I surfed to an article written by David Lisak, Ph.D. entitled “The psychological impact of sexual abuse: Content analysis of interviews with male survivors”. It was originally published in the Journal of Traumatic Stress.
A flood of strong, but mixed, emotions inundated me as read the text. Amazingly, I had never really sought out the symptoms of a male sexual survivor. I was shocked (and still am) at the almost complete self-recognition I found in the description of and stories from these abused men. I have been crying ever since.
Now, as I sit alone on Christmas Eve and my family neurotically reenacts every other holiday event I can remember but this time without me, I find solace in your welcoming note.
I am a survivor of incest and I was unprotected by those I told. However, as you can imagine, my work has shown me much horror – ranging from the small children of friends dying in my arms from preventable diseases to the complete devastation resulting from the destruction of adobe villages after a powerful earthquake. It is therefore difficult for me to accept that I have such all-encompassing grief and other debilitating issues stemming from a period of my life now over for more than two decades. Regardless, this does seem to be the case.
Although I am quite upset right now, at least I have increased understanding. Although I did mention suicidal thoughts, please do not be alarmed. I have no intention on acting on such thoughts; they are simply an expression of pain. Neither is it the case that this posting is a request for online counseling. I will go to my therapist on the 27th and will deal with these surprisingly strong emotions at that point.
I want to make it clear that the point of this posting, other than venting some of my grief, is to thank you. Perhaps your kind work will ensure that I will find the strength to continue in my work. I hope it pleases you this season to know that because you soothed my heart and quieted my spirit this Christmas Eve, I will be able to ease the suffering of others in a remote part of the world. I and the future beneficiaries of my work thank you.
Patrick.
